by outer--science » Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:20 am
Dear Ri,
It's me. The quiet girl, the nerd who just can't stop expressing her emotions and likes yet still gets beaten down because of it. I remember when we first became friends, in our very first day of high school, and you would always step up to defend me when I was bullied and in pain. Even at the risk of being treated badly yourself. You defended me, and I comforted you whenever their racist remarks or biting jokes sank in. We faced everyone together, and I liked things being that way.
I was stupid. I wanted you to be my friend only, and I shunned my other, better friends in favour of you. But alas, you began to change. You became brooding and gloomy and just as I thought you couldn't surprise me anymore, you admitted something serious to me over the internet. You told me, so nervously, that you were bisexual and that you liked me in more than a friendly way. And, overcome with guilt, I told you that I didn't feel the same way. You weren't at school the next day. I knew that I'd hurt you, but I didn't want to be in a relationship that was totally one-sided. I didn't know what to do.
When you returned, you were even darker. You didn't laugh at my jokes, and you tried to avoid me. We were in mostly the same classes, so the feeling of bitter coldness became worse and worse. And one day, in Art class...you turned on me. You snapped at me, suggesting that I should grow up. I was so shocked, so hurt by it but I thought I deserved it after what I did to you. The girl who'd kept me safe from all the cold-hearted bullies was now becoming the thing she'd fought to defend me from. I got over it but you just got worse...and one day, you started bullying another friend of mine, and my best friends and I made an agreement- we'd had enough of your attitude and your bullying, and we were going to leave you behind. We told you that, and you cried. And I felt so guilty, but I couldn't let it get to me, not after what you'd done! So we separated- I stayed with my best friends, and you found new ones.
Around December last year, six months and a dozen internet arguments after we fell out, I hated the wistful look I kept seeing in your eyes when you looked at me and my best friends, your ex-best friends, talking. So at lunchtime one day, I apologised to you for the whole thing. You kept a steely cold look in your eyes, said you didn't care and you were different now, and you wouldn't forgive, but I felt relieved. Free of the pain of guilt. I was so happy! I was finally free! And even better, you apologised back a week after, and we became friends again. You also became friends with our friend Moni who also fell out with you, but not my best friend and your ex-friend Katherine. You hated her. And she hated me for fixing my relationship with you, so we drifted apart, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't regret it though. I just developed a grudge and it intensified over the new year.
But here we are now. We've been friends for almost a year and things started off great before...a couple months ago, when you became your old gloomy self again. The black-hearted girl I hated and abandoned. You threw Moni aside, claiming that you'd had enough of her bull. I ignored it, just pretending I didn't really care for arguments. But I was hurt for Moni's sake- she was so upset! You continued to snap at me, hurting me, because you were maturing mentally faster than I. And I just got sick of it. I summoned up all my courage and apologised to Katherine, and we became friends again. And I tried to avoid you. I still do. And I know you hate it, but I don't want to be friends with someone who insists on hurting me! I've heard you saying you want to confront me about this, but I know you don't have the courage to.
I want the girl I knew at the very beginning of high school back. My guardian angel. Where did she go? I don't know what to do anymore...what should I do? Please, I need help...
From Keeks
Mutsuki // she/her // England // INTP
