Dear life,
I know I don't have it that bad when I think about it, but why must you make me feel so isolated, alone, depressed?
I feel so confused, so hopeless. Nothing goes the way I imagine it in the big scheme of things, and I know that sounds selfish but I deserve to be a little bit for once. My standards for myself are so low, I feel terrible by even saying I like something about myself or something I've done. No one should be scared to admit they like their work or themselves. I don't expect much to go how I'd like, nor do I think it ever will. But can you not give me a little something, a tiny hint that things might ever get better?
I'm already crying and I haven't even gotten started, why do I feel like this? There isn't that much to be depressed over. I could be on the streets, I could be an orphan. There is so much I have, yet why can't I be happy? I don't want more, no. It won't make me happy. It's just quality of my life right now, it's terrible. I sit in my room day and night, unable to even sit downstairs and enjoy family time. I can't. I don't go out with my friends much. I don't chose to waste my days on the computer, there is nothing else I am capable of doing.
I'm going to address things one by one, just vent. I'm not complaining. I just have no one to talk to, no one. I need to get this out of my mind.
My family situation. It confuses even me. I haven't talked to anyone about how I feel. Some parts of my family know more than others, but I always seem to just say 'I don't know' or 'I'll live' to them if they prod deeper. Why can't I just speak what's on my mind? What is so wrong with admitting you're hurt? I'm not being abused, I have a family. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why must I be such a selfish brat and want more? My parents were never really together. I wasn't even 10 before it got violent in my house. Chairs thrown to walls, police called, it wasn't fun. My dad is an alcoholic, he has no job. My mom is a nurses assistant, she doesn't make much money. So when my mom got a restraining order against my dad we lost what little income he got from his odd jobs. Ever since then money has been really tight, I struggle to find food I can make myself and eat by the end of most weeks.
Then my mom has to go and get a boyfriend. A boyfriend with no job. She hates my dad so much because he doesn't have a job and didn't help much. Yet she lets this nobody into our house and to eat our food and use what little money we have. It makes me angry, but my mom doesn't know. I don't want to start something. I hate him. I hate him so much. I don't know why, but I do and I can't help it. Since he moved in I haven't been downstairs expect to cook my food or when I first get home I obviously have to come in the door first. For over a year now I've been cooped up in my room. Because of him.
Even when he left for a few weeks, I still couldn't bring myself to go downstairs. We used to watch TV together as a family once upon a time. We used to be a family. I can't do it anymore. I've lived here since I was 3 years old, this place is no longer a 'home' like it used to be. It's a prison. I'd give anything to just go back to when I felt at home. Now I feel alienated and isolated in my own house. My family that I don't live with just laugh and say I must live in my own world, absorbed into the computer and shut in my room. It's far from that. I feel trapped in here, I have no where else to go. This hurt the most to type, it's awful thinking back on the 'good ol' days' and then looking around the walls of my room. I haven't sat downstairs in over a year.
I don't get out of the house, ever. My mom is extremely introverted and hates leaving the house. So I grew up in a much less social interactive environment. Because of it I don't go out, not that I don't want to. I literally jump at any chance to get out of the house. Most of the time it's just going to my aunts or my grandparents. I have friends sure, but we just don't get together much outside of school. I wish so much that I could just have that friend to go hang out with on the weekends.
I used to. Emma. We knew each other since we were three years old. It was literally I only ever went to my house on weekdays and then I practically lived at her house every weekend. It wasn't ever a question 'Can I go sleep over at Emmas?' It was always 'I'm staying at Emmas' and I was off. She lived next door, so I got to see her all the time. We went to school together. Right before 8th grade, two years ago now, she moved out of state. I haven't seen her since. Its awful not being able to leave my house and run wild in the neighborhood with your best friend by your side. My neighborhood isn't safe. We knew it. We still ran off and had fun. Now I don't go outside, there is no one to hang out with. My school friends don't live within walking distance. There is no where I can just go spur of the moment. We were glued at the hip for ten years. That's a long time. Now I haven't seen her in two years and hardly talk to her even over facebook.
I've always been quiet. But since 6th grade when I changed schools and knew no one, I really took a downward spiral. 6th grade was awful. I made a few friends, but it ended badly and I was being made fun of and isolated. No one liked me and it was obvious. Everyone else knew each other since before school age, not me. I was the new kid. Worst year of my life. Now I have friends, great friends, but it isn't the same. Since 6th grade I've always felt like the outcast, my self esteem was stomped and tore to pieces that year. I've tried building it back up.
I'm scared of being judged, I'm scared of being disliked. I'm scared of strangers. I'm scared of new things. I'm scared of growing up. All because of that one year. So many people are really cool and nice at my school, but my social limit won't allow me to make friends. I can't do it like I used to be able to. I've never gotten any positive attention from guys, which I don't really care about. It's just I see all my gorgeous friends and then there's me. I can go without anyone liking me, sure. It's just recently how I started liking someone, never happened before. Yet I can't physically start a conversation or keep one going with anyone, much less him.
So here I am, written this novel. For what? It made me feel much better for now. Not for long. I just needed to tell someone, and that someone is no one because I have no one to talk to. I'm scared to tell anyone in real life what I feel. People are always annoyed how I say 'I don't know' but if I didn't you'd be hit with this. And no one deserves all my issues.
I just feel, alone. I don't have anything going for me at the moment.
Just please, tell me it is going to get better. I need something, anything to give me that little bit of hope this is all just a phase. That my time will come.
Sincerely, someone who can't see it ever getting better.
