The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[Nawee]

Regarding Frostedmoon's, I think 'lay' would actually be correct in that particular sentence. :3

Ok thanks for clearing that out ^-^

[Princess Luna]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Tae.
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&p=4074326&#p4074326
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Kamaliah's Goennecs.
Deadline for your form: Sunday afternoon, the 25th.
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Here.

One of my biggest issues is smoothly going from one scene to the next; if your going to bring that up, I'd appreciate how you think I can make the transitions easier for the reader.

[Ebonpyre]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Azora
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=120564&p=3996004#p3996004
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Sparkle, gloom, scene and unloved adoption center
Deadline for your form: This Wednesday
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either way, whichever is most convenient.

[Rosalind]

Here is a poem I did a while back;
I woke up this morning hearing rain on the roof.
drip-drop, drip-drop
I didn't want to get out of bed.
Why couldn't the world just stop?
My stomache was full of dread for the day ahead.
Why couldn't the world just stop?
But still the rain keeps coming down,
drip-drop, drip-drop, drip-drop

Crit?

[LunarFaith]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Lunarflower
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&start=1920#p4019588
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Goennec
Deadline for your form: April 25 12PM
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Any one is fine <3

Thank You!

[! october]

This is a critique for Tae!
Who the critique is for: Tae
What you had to say about it: I didn't see anything wrong with the transitions between scenes; it flowed very nicely. Most people just describe the character's personality and history; but you didn't, which really makes your form stand out. It takes a talented writer to be able to work the character's personality and history into the story, which you did. It was overall an enjoyable read; great job! I'll be crossing my fingers for you.


On an unrelated subject; I know where your avatar is from! 8D

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CODE: SELECT ALL
This is a critique for Rosalind!
Who the critique is for: Rosalind
What you had to say about it: Wonderful job! The use of onemonepia was excellent; and the rhyming was good. In the second to last line you go from past-tense to present-tense. I'm not sure if that was deliberate or not; but it was the only thing I could find wrong.

[Princess Luna]

This is a critique for Tae!
Who the critique is for: Tae
What you had to say about it: I didn't see anything wrong with the transitions between scenes; it flowed very nicely. Most people just describe the character's personality and history; but you didn't, which really makes your form stand out. It takes a talented writer to be able to work the character's personality and history into the story, which you did. It was overall an enjoyable read; great job! I'll be crossing my fingers for you.


On an unrelated subject; I know where your avatar is from! 8D

Wow, thank you!
I really appreciate that ^w^
I'm hoping to add more before the deadline, so I appreciate the support.


8D Glad to hear it!

[Papyrsatyr]

There's too many adoption places now...it would make my head spin to put all of them up on the third post in my opinion.

[MirrorMask]

I would like some critique please!
Username:
MirrorMask
Link to your form:
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=120564&start=780
Adoption Agency you are applying for:
Sparkle, Gloom, Scene, and Unloved Adoption Center!
A friendly place to share your creations - drawings, poems, stories etc
Deadline for your form:
This Wed.
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM?
Either,here I guess

[Atwood]

@ Tae: I also really like the form - while the storyline is a fairly commonly-used one, you wrote it very well and made it feel quite fresh and different. ^^ The only thing I'd alter is this line:

In any case, I was jarred from my position between her teeth and I fell to the ground.

When I first read it, I thought it meant Sunrise had been dropped while her(?) mother was running out of the cave or while she was running away. I'd suggest changing "In any case" to something more connected with the previous sentence, like "As she fell" or "As she stumbled", something along those lines. :3