The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[Lirrie]

This is a critique for Lirrie!
Who the critique is for: Lirrie's form for Venus at Break of Dawn.
What you had to say about it:

I loved how you incorporated scientific information into her form, firstly. It was a change to see it. On that note though, there is a part where it becomes almost awkward, and that would be where you quote off of a page itself. You don't actually need to.

From http://www.fennec-fox.com/
Mostly carnivorous; mainly insects, lizards, rodents, sometimes birds and plant material (fruit and berries).

This part could easily be removed, or at least taken out of the quotes. To reference back to a source you could just simplify if and place instead brackets around the site. So, instead of quoting it, put; Mostly carnivorous; mainly insects, lizards, rodents, sometimes birds and plant material (fruit and berries) [Fennec-Fox].
Honestly, because you list your sources at the end, it shouldn't matter to be quoted. :3

[center]History: When Venus and

At this point of time it seems you have a sort of coding error; just thought I would point it out for your help. :3 You could just take away the center here and still have your entire post centered since it appears you did the coding for that instead at the beginning of the post.

These are typos from all through the post, in chronological order:
hungrey = hungry
themselfs = themselves
to young = too young
successfull = successful
small rodent = small rodents
wasnt hunting or wasnt successful = wasn't hunting or wasn't successful
her brother , sister = her brother, sister
finnaly = finally
maybe just maybe = maybe, just maybe
wating = dunno if this is misspelled or just a word I don't know ^^"
Reasearch = Research

as she was older by 30 minutes to an hour.

This seems kind of unnneeded, and a little awkward. I think if you just took out the last half, the entire part quoted, then the sentence would flow a bit better. Personally, I don't think being older by just thirty minutes to an hour would make much of a difference to her hunting skills, but if you think its important then explain it. How did being born half an hour earlier make her a better hunter?

"Venus!" yelled a young kit leaping at the adult female intent on sneaking up on her and not relizing his mistake that on a real hunt would loose him prey and a meal.

Seems a bit weird to read. Perhaps rephrase it a bit, or split it into two sentences.
"Venus!" A young kit yelled, leaping at the adult female. He was so intent on sneaking up on her that he did not realize the mistake he had made. On a real hunt, it would have lost him prey and a meal.
Does that sound more flowing? :3

Overall, I think your form is pretty good. I do advise that you put it through Word or something and fix the spelling and punctuation errors. If you want me to, PM me and I'll go through the entire thing and edit in where you should put commas, periods, etc. :3
I would say just keep going with the story. I like where it is going so far; I'm excited to meet these other fennecs she joined the family with.



NOTE; If you want it to be PMed to you, just let me know. xD
DOUBLE NOTE; I'll be coming back around for more critiques. I just want to do one at a time. xD

Thanks yous I'm going put it in my word to finish it off, the coding got a little weird there so maybe I have double coded of something. I will defiently need more crytic as im expanding the parts in which her parents died and all.

[Nawee]

I would like some critique please!
Username:Nawee
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&p=4017825#p4017825
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goennecs~
Deadline for your form: Sunday
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Here

I have edited my form. I will edit this post with a critique ^-^

This is a critique for Frostedmoon!
Who the critique is for: Frostedmoon's form for
What you had to say about it:
First, a few typo mistakes in chronological order:
actuality = actually
beings = being

I rounded the corner, the last turn to the abandoned house we lived in. As soon as he saw his home he knew something was wrong.

It looked weird to me because you started in the first person, switched to the third person and then you go back to the first person. You should keep it the same in all the form.

our two pups lay bleeding on the floor

Wouldn't it be laid?

"Saracklath." It said

You don't need a capital letter there. You made this mistake a few times.

As for the form itself and the plot, I must say I liked it ^-^ It's classic, but I like how you bring it. I think you could add a little more, but I know your form isn't finished so keep going in that way

[Nawee]

Sorry for double posting, but I don't want my critics too be too heavy.

This is a critique for -3B-!
Who the critique is for: -3B-'s form for non-existant smili
What you had to say about it:
I didn't noticed any typos or mistakes, it's all good on that point.

There is two sentences that confused me:

and given most anything he could possibly want- a happy home, warmth, food, love….

Shouldn't you say "mostly"? Most sounds weird to me when I read this sentence. Maybe try to tweak it a bit? Maybe it's just me, too.

the sharp edges of hardened aa lava slicing into their legs and, for those that had them, paws.

Is aa a typo?

As for the form itself, I really like the plot and the character is really well developped. I really want to hug him =3 And I can definitly see him pouting XD

I was a bit confused by the earring part, I'm not sure to understand what he tries to do and his reaction to it =/
I also felt the events at the end were a bit rushed compared to the rest of the story and it breaks its flow a bit.

Apart from that, I really like your form!

[Desmond]

Thanks! :D

"Most" is just a quirk of my writing. I often say "most anything..."; it's technically grammatically correct, just a little arcane.

And "aa" is a type of lava. xD It's extremely rough, and there are a lot of sharp bits. There's also the wrinkly type, pahoehoe. :3

Naturally, the form's still being worked on; I've planned several bits and pieces to put in there, but it depends heavily on what the Smili looks like, and how his character further develops in my head. But thank you so much! <3

[Lirrie]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Lirrie
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&p=4027369&hilit=sunrise#p4027369
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goenecc~
Deadline for your form: Sunday
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both

[KinqBoo]

This is a critique for Frostedmoon!
Who the critique is for: Frostedmoon's form for
What you had to say about it:
First, a few typo mistakes in chronological order:
actuality = actually
beings = being

I rounded the corner, the last turn to the abandoned house we lived in. As soon as he saw his home he knew something was wrong.

It looked weird to me because you started in the first person, switched to the third person and then you go back to the first person. You should keep it the same in all the form.

our two pups lay bleeding on the floor

Wouldn't it be laid?

"Saracklath." It said

You don't need a capital letter there. You made this mistake a few times.

As for the form itself and the plot, I must say I liked it ^-^ It's classic, but I like how you bring it. I think you could add a little more, but I know your form isn't finished so keep going in that way

Thanks.

for the

our two pups lay bleeding on the floor

I meant to do that, it sounded better to me. But I'll change it.




I actually said in my form i'd like the critique by PM.

[Nawee]

This is a critique for Lirrie!
Who the critique is for: Lirrie's form for Sunrise
What you had to say about it:
First of all, you should be careful with the typos and spelling mistakes. You've made quite a few. You should try to copy-paste your form on word before posting it, it corrects most of those mistakes Here are the one I spotted :
Geos = Goes (since they are Goennecs, not Geonnecs)
coler = color/colour
completly = completely
colered = coloured
feild = field
no where = nowhere

Also there is some sentences that need revision:

Once the was a small herd of night coler Goennecs called the night herd

It would be "Once there was" and since the night herd is a name, you should probably write the Night herd.

hey all had mane and fur the coler of the night sky and in fact even only came out when it was completly dark.

The two parts of the sentence are oddly connected. I would go with something like this : "They all had mane and fur the color of the night sky and, in fact, only came out when it was completely dark."

Well as legend has it a powerful sun colered geo came and took the herd from their leader.

The beginning of that sentence makes no sense =/ What do you mean by "Well as legend has it" ? The rest of the sentence is ok, but that part is weird. I don't what you meant but you should fix that.

The first filly born

That just a detail, but I don't think filly is the right term, right? It applies more to horse and such. I'm no expert, but I would use kit, pup or maybe even lamb.

That looks like it for the mistakes.

As for the form itself, I think the song is a good idea and we get a good feeling of what will happen. However, you'll have to stick to it while writing your story or the idea will lose it's essence. You have to be careful so that the story and the song still fit together.

It sounds like a good beginning, I'm eager to see what you'll write next =3


EDIT:
@Frostedmoon:Well for the laid part, I'm not sure =/ I know Brevity correct something alike in my form and despise being written in the past, she told me to write lay.

And I'm sorry for the PM part... I went too fast. I hope you're not angry. I can send it to you by PM and erase it from my post if you would like.

[Bite]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Blitzen
Link to your form: http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&start=3170
The last form, for Savvi.
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Tough as Nails
Deadline for your form: By the end of this week.
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? PM, please. :3

[KinqBoo]

Im not angry ^^;;

I wasted all my angryness at someone who called me a her. xD


Its fine, I was just stating that fact.

[Atwood]

Regarding Frostedmoon's, I think 'lay' would actually be correct in that particular sentence. :3