Unknown

[belle noire]

This is my writing.. It has no name, it's just a short story, please do not steal, make an RP of it, change it in any way. Serious critiques are welcome.

Darkness, that's all there ever was. Pure darkness, it never seemed to go away, never seemed to allow even the smallest bit of light inside. For if it did, well, what would happen is unimaginable. The night was cold, windy, and wet. Just like all the others before it. Breath sawed in and out, creating a white frost against the ink-black of the night sky. A lone figure walked, its form etched out against the night, though not much could be seen from it. Obviously from height, it was female, and there was no mistaking that. A dark brown cloak was pulled tightly around it, hood up, hinting at secrecy.

Suddenly it stopped, darting to the left into an alley. Sounds of retching and hacking could easily be heard, that's all there was in this town anyhow. Delving deeper into the darkness of the alley, the figure seemed to disappear. And then, the cloaked being could be seen once more, the soft light of a lamp illuminating half of its face. Pale, ivory skin. The sharp slash of a cheek bone, and the light tinge on the apple of the cheeks. Yes, definitely a woman. Long strands of blonde hair whipped around her face, seeming to almost dance in the wind. From her posture, strait and upright against a pole, constantly looking to the left or right, eyes just covered by the hood, she had to have been waiting for something.

Like clockwork, from the darkness came another cloaked figure. This one was larger by at least two feet, the width of its shoulders seemed to go on forever. Obviously a male in the most basic of forms. She turned to him, head down and slightly to the side. The cloaked male lifted his hood, revealing dark brown hair and dazzling green eyes, though they were as cold as the night. "Do you have it." Such simple words, but they held all the meaning in the world. She could feel a shiver force its way down her spine, goose-flesh rose upon her arms, the hair on the back of her neck stood as she nodded. Somehow, she had imagined the one she was to meet would be... More. The male seemed young, he couldn't be over the age of 23, this was wrong.

Before she could turn and run, strong arms came around her from behind, a grip of steel that would not allow her escape. Oh, and she tried desperately to escape them, if only she hadn't been so stupid. In the struggle, her hood fell back, allowing platinum blonde hair to flow freely around her shoulders and brush against her tiny waist. Her face was pointed, pixie-like in a childish manor, but her eyes. They were the eyes of a woman whom knew more than any should. A bright, fiery blue that spoke of all kinds of hatred for the men that had bested her. And then, pain against the side of her head came sharply. In it's echo, her liquid-fire eyes faded, closing, and she slumped bonelessly in the second mans arms as they took her away, vanishing into the darkness from whence they had come.

This is all I have right now, total Writers Block... I'll edit this later when I'm not so blocked :c

[Ridiculous]

I don't know if you want me to post here - if you don't I'll delete this - but that sounds really good. You have so much detail in your writing, which is a really good thing to have and the use of 'it' to dehumanise the woman is really interesting to read. Writers block or not, you could probably turn that into an entire story. I'd enjoy reading more!

[belle noire]

c: Ahh, I'm perfectly fine with someone/anyone posting on this. It makes me smile to know that people enjoy reading what I write. Thank you so much for the compliment on this, oh wowie, I can't even, I'm smiling so large right now. I'll most likely add more later, or make some type of blog/writers account somewhere to put this.

[PetCrazy]

This is really good! I wish I could write this good. . . Honestly, I can't see anything to critique at all.

[belle noire]

^.^ Squee, oh my goodness, I just. Wow. Thank you so much <3

[skrundle]

This is amazing. I don't even think it needs to be edited, except for a couple of minor spelling errors! You have potential. This could become a hit. The was you reflected the atmosphere of the story was absolutely expert. I could almost feel the cold wind, the night, the young woman's hair brushing against me. It gave me shivers down my spine! Excellent work!

[belle noire]

/rollsaround/ Oh, I regret never really putting something I wrote here before. ^^ Everyone is so positive and nice with their comments. I'm going to be adding more later tonight, and I'm probably going to keep the name as Unknown, it's kind of grown on me. c: I really appreciate all the comments I'm getting on this, makes me a bit more confident in what I write ^^ Thank you all so much. <3

[twofrogsinacoat]

This is great!! The only thing I'd say that you need to fix is the use of the apostrophe in "it's" and "its". When used in a possessive form, the word "its" has no apostrophe. The apostrophe is only used to shorten "it is". (:

[belle noire]

Ah yes, I see where you mean. C: Thank you for helping me notice that, changed it~

[twofrogsinacoat]

You're welcome! Great story, by the way (: