Are you a writer or a poet? Come and share your creations with us, or discuss writing techniques with others
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Please only post your own original work, do not post poetry or stories which were written by someone else.
by mamba » Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:29 pm
C6H12O6 wrote:LKFJAL;SKJDF;L
no, kidding. I'll be happy to crit. ^^
.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:They checked through all their books, selecting a certain tube from here, and a specific needle from there.
if you're going to use a comma between "certain tube" and "specific needle", then the sentence should be "certain tube from here, a specific needle from there". otherwise, take out the comma.
in general, it's much better than the first time around.
I'm still a bit clueless on the surroundings, and the bed kind of seems to grow out of the ground, but if that confusion and disorientation is what you're going for, then it's fine.
I noticed you used the word "tube" pretty often -- or at least often enough to think that you used it a lot. perhaps some variation would be nice?
Oh wow. 0.0 I didn't even notice.
I thought I fixed that first mistake. Whoops.
I thought with the description saying it looked like a hospital room, the general atmosphere would be established.
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by eden . » Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:33 pm
Ƨнα∂σωƨƆяʏƖиƬнɛИιɢнт wrote:Username: Ƨнα∂σωƨƆяʏƖиƬнɛИιɢнт
What we will call you: Shadows or Shadzzie
Will you critique other's work?: I'd love to!
Links to your story if you have any: Leilani: Waking Dream
Anything you want us to know?: I'd love critique on my stories!
accepted
.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:C6H12O6 wrote:LKFJAL;SKJDF;L
no, kidding. I'll be happy to crit. ^^
.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:They checked through all their books, selecting a certain tube from here, and a specific needle from there.
if you're going to use a comma between "certain tube" and "specific needle", then the sentence should be "certain tube from here, a specific needle from there". otherwise, take out the comma.
in general, it's much better than the first time around.
I'm still a bit clueless on the surroundings, and the bed kind of seems to grow out of the ground, but if that confusion and disorientation is what you're going for, then it's fine.
I noticed you used the word "tube" pretty often -- or at least often enough to think that you used it a lot. perhaps some variation would be nice?
Oh wow. 0.0 I didn't even notice.
I thought I fixed that first mistake. Whoops.
I thought with the description saying it looked like a hospital room, the general atmosphere would be established.
then clearly I missed that
CARRY ON
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eden .
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by abandoned. » Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:36 pm
lol choey...i'm going to go read your story now...
no...i'm going to come up with my own first...
*headdesk* i need help though e.e
HOLD ON.

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AFFLICTION;
something that causes pain or suffering
hey there! i'm abandoned. you might see me more commonly
referred to as 'pie' though. i adore rping, writing and reading.
however, i do not actively rp here anymore. i am on AS, under
the username forlorn. if you want to rp, shoot me a pm!
or even just to chat, i love meeting new people.
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abandoned.
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by The Only » Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:37 pm
The Only wrote:abandoned. wrote:soooooo....hey guys ^^'' i don't post here often...and stuff...but yea....sorry about that? i feel terrible.
meh. i have this urge to write, but no ideas. /shootme
Free-write. really, I do that for ten minutes a day at the very least. I find it really fun to look at what i wrote the next day and draw inspiration from it.
Would anybody be willing to Critique my short Story? Here is the link to it:
viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1326861
Apologies folks! I'm on a bit of a hiatus for I don't know how long.
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by abandoned. » Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:38 pm
i'm not very good at free-writing xD sorry ^^'' i thought i replied to that
my free write is basically the rping i do here o-o which is always more than 10min...so i dunno if that counts? o-o
edit: oh my god...stories like that creep me out o-o but it was good, The Only ^^

┏━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┓
AFFLICTION;
something that causes pain or suffering
hey there! i'm abandoned. you might see me more commonly
referred to as 'pie' though. i adore rping, writing and reading.
however, i do not actively rp here anymore. i am on AS, under
the username forlorn. if you want to rp, shoot me a pm!
or even just to chat, i love meeting new people.
┗━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┛

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abandoned.
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by hell_hound » Sat Aug 11, 2012 5:33 pm
I'm going to be taking a break from Chickensmoothie for a while.. I don't know for how long. Anywhere from a few days to a few months. I'm sorry. My story The Red Glove will be postponed till I return. I hope this isn't considered spamming, but I wanted to thank you all for making me smile on this thread of writers and readers x3. Thank you.
c☾A DOG CANNOT MAKE THIS JOURNEY ALONEBUT xxxxxx MAYBExx A WOLFxxx CAN
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by Time.Child » Sun Aug 12, 2012 6:13 am
Username:
.Spoonful.Of.Sugar.
What we will call you:
Spoon / Sugar / Spoonful
Will you critique other's work?:
Indeed :3 Of course, only if they ask for it
Links to your story if you have any:
Currently I don't have any going. But I'd let you all know if i did
Anything you want us to know?:
I love to write stories for others, I recently realized how fun contests are
Date and Time where I am: Here
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by eden . » Sun Aug 12, 2012 6:26 am
.Spoonful.Of.Sugar. wrote:Username:
.Spoonful.Of.Sugar.
What we will call you:
Spoon / Sugar / Spoonful
Will you critique other's work?:
Indeed :3 Of course, only if they ask for it
Links to your story if you have any:
Currently I don't have any going. But I'd let you all know if i did
Anything you want us to know?:
I love to write stories for others, I recently realized how fun contests are
accepted ~
nyuuuuuuuuuu we'll miss you finch D:
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eden .
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by PaintLily » Sun Aug 12, 2012 7:20 am
Username: PaintLily
What we will call you: Pooky or Paint
Will you critique other's work?: sometimes
Links to your story if you have any: Most of my stories are Aren't shown on the internet or anything but I do have one Here on howrse and i'm making a roleplay like thing for a book that you can check out Here which is also on howrse
Anything you want us to know?: not really
Last edited by
PaintLily on Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Last edited by PaintLily on Thur Feb 34, 1492 2:18 am, edited 567 times in total. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________MMMMIMagic,
MMMMIStatic,
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MMMI~ Skillet
MI(Song: The Resistance)
^ By emblo ^ v By Sparkleparty v
iIYou can take my heart,
iiYou can take my breath,
iWhen you pry it from
iimy cold, dead chest.
MMMMn~ Skillet
MMMMl(Song: The Resistance)~Please Click my Babies~Also, if you could click anybody
Mihere, I would appreciate itMMMMMnMy foxerflies. >>
MMMHuman Tano - winter.sunset
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MMMMMyawahn & Roi - Lunar.
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