Tony: No hard feelings, Point Break, you got a mean swing.
Nick Fury: It's called the Avengers Initiative.
Tony: I thought I didn't qualify. I was considered, what was it... volatile, self-centred, and I don't play well with others.
Pepper: I knew that.
Thor: You people are so petty... and tiny.
Steve: Stark, we need a plan of attack!
Tony: I have a plan: attack!
Steve: Thor, what's his play?
Thor: He has an army, called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the Earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract.
Steve: An army. From outer space.
Bruce: So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for.
Thor: Selvig?
Bruce: He's an astrophysicist.
Thor: He's a friend.
Natasha: Loki has them under some kind of spell. Along with one of ours.
Steve: I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here.
Bruce: I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats. You can smell crazy on him.
Thor: Have a care how you speak! Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother!
Natasha: He killed eighty people in two days.
Thor: He's adopted.
Pepper: Levels are holding steady... I think.
Tony: Of course they are, I was directly involved. Which brings me to my next question: how does it feel to be a genius?
Pepper: Well, ha, I really wouldn't know now, would I?
Tony: What do you mean? All this came from you.
Pepper: No. All this came from that.
[Points to the energy in his chest plate] Tony: Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit.
Pepper: Twelve percent?
Tony: An argument can be made for fifteen.
Pepper: Twelve percent for my baby?
Tony: Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you.
Pepper: Oooooh.
Tony: My private elevator...
Pepper: You mean OUR elevator?
Tony: ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I?
Pepper: Not gonna be that subtle.
Tony: I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower.
Pepper: On the lease.
Tony: ...Call your mom, can you bunk over?
Loki: Your world in the balance and you bargain for one man?
Natasha: Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that, I'm Russian... or was.
Loki: What is it you want?
Natasha: It's really not that complicated. I've got red in my ledger, I'd like to wipe it out.
Loki: Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Drakov's daughter, Tugenov, the hospital fire? Yes, Barton told me everything. Your ledger is dripping, it's gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer... PATHETIC! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code, something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away!... No, I won't touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you! Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear! And when he wakes, he'll have just enough time to see the work he's done, and when he screams, I'll break his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim!
Natasha:
[fearfully] You're a monster!
Loki: No, you brought the monster.
Natasha:
[back in normal state] So, Banner... that's your play.
Loki: What?
Natasha:
[on intercom] Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I'm on my way. Send Thor as well.
[walks out]Natasha:
[to Loki] Thank you for your cooperation.
Loki: What have I to fear?
Tony: The Avengers. It's what we call ourselves, sort of like a team. "Earth's Mighiest Heroes" type thing.
Loki: Yes, I've met them.
Tony: Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But let's do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breathtaking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you've managed to tick off every single one of them.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony: Not a great plan. When they come, and they WILL, they'll come for you.
Loki: I have an army.
Tony: We have a Hulk.
((Quick note: I've changed one word in the headcount, just because I don't like to cuss. I know it's not me saying it, but I still feel wrong typing the word...))
Nick Fury: We have no quarrel with your people.
Loki: An ant has no quarrel with a boot.
Agent Coulson:
[On phone] Mr. Stark, we need to talk.
Tony: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message.
Agent Coulson: This is urgent.
Tony: Then leave it urgently.
[Coulson enters]Tony: Security breach!
[to Pepper]Tony: That's on you.
Agent Coulson: Mr Stark.
Pepper: Phil! Come in.
Tony: Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent.
Tony: I thought we were having a moment.
Pepper: I was having twelve percent of a moment.
Agent Coulson: I gotta say, it's an honour to meet you, officially. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. I mean, I was, I was present while you were unconscious, from the ice.
Steve: What's the matter, scared of a little lightning?
Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows...
[Thor appears and takes Loki]Agent Hill: When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?
Tony: Last night.
Steve: We have orders, we should follow them.
Tony: Following's not really my style.
Steve: And you're all about style, aren't you?
Tony: Of the people in this room, which one is A - wearing a spangly outfit and B - not of use?
Steve: Big man in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?
Tony: Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.
Security Guard: Are you an alien?
Bruce: What?
Security Guard: From outer space, an alien.
Bruce: No.
Security Guard: Well then son, you've got a condition.
Loki: Please tell me you're going to appeal to my humanity.
Tony: Actually, I'm planning to threaten you.
Tony: Call it, Captain.
Steve: All right, listen up! Until we can close that portal up there, what we need is containment. Barton: I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark: you've got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash. Thor: you've gotta try and bottleneck that portal, slow them down. You've got the lightning - light 'em up!
[turns to Natasha] You and me: we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk: smash!
((Again with the editing for the sake of staying PG. Sorry.))
Nick Fury: I recognise the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid decision, I've elected to ignore it.
((Again. Yes. I promise it'll only happen a few more times.))
Tony:
[regaining consciousness] What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me.
Stan Lee: Superheroes? In New York? Give me a break!
Thor: We on Asgard pretend that we are more advanced, but we, we come here battling like Bilgesnipe.
Agent Coulson: Like what?
Thor: The Bilgesnipe, you know; huge, scaly, big antlers. You don't have those?
Agent Coulson: Don't think so.
Thor: They are repulsive, and they trample everything in their path.
Nick Fury: Having trouble sleeping?
Steve: I've been asleep for 70 years. I think I've had enough rest.
Jarvis:
[Thor has just thrown a thunderbolt on Iron Man] Power to four-hundred percent capacity.
Tony: How about that?
Steve: Have you got a suit?
Clint: Yeah.
Steve: Then suit up.
Natasha:
[watching the aliens come toward them] This is just like Budapest all over again.
Clint: You and I remember Budapest very differently.
Thor: I have unfinished business with Loki.
Clint: Yeah? Get in line.
Tony: What else you got?
Clint: Well, Thor's taking on a squadron on Sixth.
Tony: And he didn't invite me...
Nick Fury: This doesn't have to get messy.
Loki: Yes, it does. I've come too far for anything else.
Loki: How will your friends have time for me, when they'll be too busy fighting you?
[taps Tony with his scepter...nothing happens] Loki:
[tries again, with no success] This usually works...
Tony: Performance issues?
Loki:
[after Thor charges at Loki's duplicate and gets locked in a prison] Are you ever
not going to fall for that?
Tony:
[Discussing S.H.I.E.L.D] An intelligence agency that
fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome.
Tony: Better clench up, Legolas.
Natasha: Doctor, we're facing a potential global catastrophe.
Bruce: Well, those I actively try to avoid.
Natasha: This is the Tesseract.
[she shows him a photo of the Tesseract on her cell phone] Natasha: It has the potential energy to wipe out the planet.
Bruce: What does Fury want me to do? Swallow it?
Natasha: Well, he wants you to find it. It's been taken. It omits a gamma signature that's too weak for us to trace. There's no one that knows gamma radiation like you do. If there was, that's where I'd be.
Bruce: So Fury isn't after the monster?
Natasha: Not that he's told me.
Bruce: And he tells you everything?
Natasha: Talk to Fury, he needs you on this.
Bruce: He needs me in a cage?
Natasha: No one's gonna put you in a--
Bruce Banner:
[suddenly gets angry and snaps] Stop lying to me![Natasha quickly grab her gun and points it at Banner]Bruce Banner: I'm sorry, that was mean. I just wanted to see what you'd do. Why don't we do this the easy way, where you don't use that, and the other guy doesn't make a mess? Okay?
[Natasha, still wary, doesn't lower her gun] Natasha...
Natasha:
[she lowers her gun and speaks into her earpiece to the SHIELD agents who are surrounding the building outside] Stand down. We're good here.
Bruce:
[looks at Natasha in amusement] Just you and me?
Steve: You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing.
Tony: You should come by Stark Tower sometime. Top 10 floors all R&D, you'd love it... it's candyland.
Bruce: Thanks, but the last time I was in New York I kind of broke... Harlem.
Thor: Do not touch me again!
Tony: Then don't touch my stuff.
Thor: You have no idea what you're dealing with.
Tony: Shakespeare in The Park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?
Young SHIELD Pilot:
[Seeing The Avengers climb aboard the aircraft to fly to Manhatten] You are not authorized to be here!
Steve: Son... just don't.
Agent Coulson: You're gonna lose.
Loki: Am I?
Agent Coulson: It's in your nature.
Loki: Your heroes are scattered, your floating fortress falls from the sky... where is my disadvantage?
Agent Coulson: You lack conviction.
Loki: I don't think I...
[Coulson shoots Loki with his BFG, causing Loki to be blown through the wall behind him]Agent Coulson: So that's what it does.
((RIP Phil.

))
Tony: That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.
Steve: How can you not trust Fury?
Tony: He's a spy, he's THE spy. His secrets have secrets.
Loki: The Chitauri are coming! Nothing can stop that!
Tony: This is an invitation, not a threat.
Loki: True. For a threat, you would have kept your armour.
Tony: Care for a drink?
Loki: Stalling won't change anything.
Tony: Not stalling, threatening.
[Loki awakens to find the Avengers staring at him] Loki: If it's all the same to you, I think I'll have that drink.
Loki: Enough! You are, all of you are beneath me! I am a god, you dull creature, and I shall not be bullied by--
[Hulk flattens Loki with repeated smashes into the floor] Hulk: Puny god.
Steve: Stark? We got him.
Tony: Banner...?
Steve: Just like you said.
Tony: Then tell him to suit up... I'm bringing the party to you.
[he and the Leviathan break out of a building and speed away toward the rest of the Avengers]Natasha: I-I don't see how that's a party...
Thor:
[referring to humans] You think yourself above them?
Loki: Well, yes.
Nick Fury: Where's Barton?
Selvig: The Hawk? Up in his nest, as usual.
Tony: What's the stat, Rogers?
Steve:
[looks at the Helicarrier tech] It seems to be powered by some sort of electricity!
Tony: ...Well, you're not wrong.
Thor: I thought humans were more evolved than this.
Nick Fury: Excuse me, did WE come to YOUR planet and blow stuff up?
Agent Coulson:
[on the phone] I'll brief you on everything when you get back. But first, we need you to talk to the big guy.
Natasha: Coulson, you know that Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me.
Natasha: Gentlemen, you might want to step inside in a minute. It's going to get a little hard to breathe.
[as the Helicarrier starts to power up, Steve and Bruce walk to the edge]Steve: Is this a submarine?
Bruce: Really? They want me submerged in a pressurized metal container?
[Steve and Bruce stand at the edge and they look over as the Helicarrier starts to slowly rise out of the ocean to fly]Bruce:
[smiles] Oh, no, this is MUCH worse!
Natasha: I'd sit this one out, Cap.
Steve: I don't see how I can.
Natasha: These guys come from legend, Captain. They're basically gods.
Steve: There's only one God, ma'am, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like
that.Thor: Where is the Tesseract?
Loki:
[laughs] I missed you too.
Thor: You listen well, brother. I--
[Thor is knocked off the mountain by Iron Man who tackles him in mid-flight] Loki: ...I'm listening.
Pilot: Target acquired.
[Fires guns at Hulk] Pilot: Target engaged.
[as Hulk leaps toward airplane] Pilot: TARGET ANGRY!
Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr. Banner to his laboratory, please.
[Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall]Natasha: You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys.
Steve: Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here.
Thor: I've come here to put and end to Loki's schemes!
Steve: Then prove it! Put the hammer down.
Tony: Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves it!
Steve: Does Loki need any particular kind of power source?
Bruce: He got to heat the cube to a hundred and twenty million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.
Tony: Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunnelling effect.
Bruce: Well, if he could do that he could achieve Heavy Ion Fusion at any reactor on the planet.
Tony: Finally, someone who speaks English.
Steve: Is that what just happened?
[Tony and Bruce shake hands]Tony: It's good to meet you, Dr. Banner. You're work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.
Bruce: Thanks.
Nick Fury: [toTony] Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube. I was hoping you might join him.
Steve: Let's start with that stick of his. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a Hydra weapon.
Nick Fury: I don't know about that, but it is powered by the cube. And I'd like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.
Thor: Monkeys? I do not understand.
Steve Rogers: I do!
[Tony rolls his eyes, while Cap looks proud of himself] Steve Rogers: I understood that reference.
Steve: Stark, are you seeing any of this?
Tony: Seeing, still working on believing.
Tony: Cap, pull the lever!
Steve: I need a minute here!
Tony: Lever. Now!
Tony:
[examines Loki's helmet] Make a move, Reindeer Games.
[Loki takes off his armor] Tony: Good move.
-------------------------------------------
As you can see, I am obsessed with
The Avengers, from which all of these quotes are. *puts on sunglasses* Deal with it.
