The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[versicolor]

This is a critique for Jellie!
Who the critique is for:Jellie
What you had to say about it: I could not find a thing wrong with you form, the story seemed well thought out and the characters seemed real, id love to see how you continue this story. Thhe only think maybe you could do is have the characters speak more.

Awww, thank you. That means a lot to me. n____n

[Papercutt.]

This is a critique for Lady-Luck!
Who the critique is for: Lady-Luck
What you had to say about it: I loved your form it was well thought out and id love to see if you take it further, the ending though was a bit too much for me, I guess thats just how i am but maybe you could tweak that a little. Anywell great form, try th put spaces in between each of you bolded heading and good luck.

Thanks!! In the ending what i really wanted was to create an air of slight suspense and to really bring out how evil Kali is ( you need a bad guy every once in a while). I pretty much sat down and wrote it in less than an hour without planning it out beforehand. Thanks again for your critique

[MirrorMask]

[quote="MirrorMask"]I would like some critique please!
Username:MirrorMask
Link to your form:http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=98912&start=1110
Adoption Agency you are applying for:::Avaydia::
Deadline for your form:Anytime
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Here.


[quote="MirrorMask"]I would like some critique please!
Username:MirrorMask
Link to your form:http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&start=2830
Adoption Agency you are applying for:Tough as nails
Deadline for your form:Anytime
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Here.

[Lirrie]

This is a critique for MirrorMask!
Who the critique is for:MirrorMask
What you had to say about it: Mirror i would add a personality to your form and a likes and dislikes, awesome form contains the folloing things

Name of Creature:
Personatity of creature:
Their likes:
Their Dislikes:
And a Backstory:

Adding parents names and a breed is a plus but dosnt have to be done. Try adding somore to the story and i think youll do quite nicly.

This is a critique for MirrorMask!
Who the critique is for: MirrorMask
What you had to say about it: I saw nothing wrong with this one the story didnt draw me in though to much maybe change the font the red is hard to read. But thats about all is wrong, everythig you did in this form you should do in your other one.

[Princess Luna]

I love the idea of this place; I don't write many forms anymore, so I probably won't use this place to ask for critique, but I'll probably come around once in awhile and critique someone else's form ^^

This is a critique for MirrorMask!
Who the critique is for: MirrorMask, their form at '::Avaydia::'.
What you had to say about it: I think it has a good story-line overall, it has some nice and unique twists mixed in.
However, I'd advise spell-checking it; I had a difficult time reading it because of all the spelling mistakes.
And I agree with Lirrie; a little bit more in the aspects of personality, likes and dislikes would be good, to 'fluff it up' a bit =3 Otherwise, I'd say it's a good form.

[Atwood]

Thanks to everyone who's helping critique forms! ^^ I should be back in action by April 1st, so I'll backtrack and try to find any forms that are still waiting for critiques, too. :3

[Kay the Cat-Fox]

This is good! Really helpful.

[MirrorMask]

I love the idea of this place; I don't write many forms anymore, so I probably won't use this place to ask for critique, but I'll probably come around once in awhile and critique someone else's form ^^

This is a critique for MirrorMask!
Who the critique is for: MirrorMask, their form at '::Avaydia::'.
What you had to say about it: I think it has a good story-line overall, it has some nice and unique twists mixed in.
However, I'd advise spell-checking it; I had a difficult time reading it because of all the spelling mistakes.
And I agree with Lirrie; a little bit more in the aspects of personality, likes and dislikes would be good, to 'fluff it up' a bit =3 Otherwise, I'd say it's a good form.

This is a critique for MirrorMask!
Who the critique is for:MirrorMask
What you had to say about it: Mirror i would add a personality to your form and a likes and dislikes, awesome form contains the folloing things

Name of Creature:
Personatity of creature:
Their likes:
Their Dislikes:
And a Backstory:

Adding parents names and a breed is a plus but dosnt have to be done. Try adding somore to the story and i think youll do quite nicly.

This is a critique for MirrorMask!
Who the critique is for: MirrorMask
What you had to say about it: I saw nothing wrong with this one the story didnt draw me in though to much maybe change the font the red is hard to read. But thats about all is wrong, everythig you did in this form you should do in your other one.

Sure i get working Thanks for the help!

[Atwood]

Long post, ahoy! XD This is going back all the way to my last post and covering every form since then apart from the TaN ones and the most recent three (Minnie:)'s, Jelli's and MirrorMask's). I'll get those remaining three a little later on when I've got some more time. :3 I think most of these forms are still active, but if not, at least the critiques might give some feedback to use on other forms.

This is a critique for Azora!
Who the critique is for: Azora’s Break of Dawn form for Cojak
What you had to say about it:
Wow, awesome form! 8D I absolutely loved it – the writing is wonderful, the story is immediately gripping, the characters were dynamic and engaging, the imagery is great, and I wanted it to be a novel. There are a few minor spelling errors here and there, like ‘occassional’ instead of ‘occasional’ and ‘it’s’ instead of ‘its’, but they didn’t really distract from the story. Not much to criticize here; great job! ^^


This is a critique for Xanre!
Who the critique is for: Xanre’s Agency form for Litani
What you had to say about it:
Interesting and well-written so far; I’m interested to see how Litani lost her sight and why it was her own fault, and I felt sympathy with her helpless anger at what she had lost and was no longer able to experience because of that. She feels very real in her emotions and is complex without being mystifying in her responses. I’d suggest putting a space between the current happenings and her memory of the past, since it’s not immediately apparent that she is simply remembering an event rather than the event being in progress at that moment, but apart from that it’s an excellent start. :3


This is a critique for Soccerlvr!
Who the critique is for: Soccerlvr’s Goennec form for Roshan
What you had to say about it:
It’s well-written and interesting, with intriguing characters and a strong underlying tension – I definitely got the feeling that Roshan and Junay were on thin ice with that herd, especially Kaysih, and Roshan’s consuming desire for revenge came through well. The ‘avenging the father’s death’ story is a fairly common one, but it’s used well here so it feels archetypal rather than clichéd. Roshan’s first bit of dialogue seems awkward though, since his sister would obviously already know that “the 'neighboring herd' isn't such a great place after Hosheu killed our father to take leadership of his own”. Since that sentence is purely for the edification of the reader and doesn’t make sense for him to actually say to his sister, it would be better to give that information (or at least a couple of the details like “to take leadership of his own”) elsewhere like in the next paragraph where the situation is described. Very nice though! ^^


This is a critique for Lirrie!
Who the critique is for: Lirrie’s Agency form for Luniea
What you had to say about it:
The description of the Celestial Night Wolves was intriguing, but the character herself doesn’t really stand out to me – I found it hard to get a sense of what she was like, and by the end I still didn’t really know much about her personality. As a tip for future forms, generally in character applications it’s best not to go into extensive detail about them as newborns or events before/just after their birth unless it’s showing something particularly important; typically your time is better spent in writing about the character once they’re old enough for their personality to be showing through. ;3 A couple of paragraphs is usually all that’s really required if you want to show their parents’ personalities, interactions and social positions while the character is still extremely young. The punctuation and grammar was off in several places as well, making it a little difficult to follow what was going on – several of the sentences were run-ons. You’ve got the makings of a good story there, but it’s definitely held back by some of the more mechanical issues.


This is a critique for tanner!
Who the critique is for: tanner’s Agency for Irya
What you had to say about it:
I think you might need to bulk up the form a bit, since it’s very short right now, and she really doesn’t seem like a horse at all. She sounds like a human high-schooler girl, and the only thing about her that gives any hint that she isn’t, apart from actually stating her breed and age, is her liking for alfalfa. I’d suggest expanding on her personality more; as it is she doesn’t have much distinct character to her. As some examples, what are her favourite things to do with her friends? When and how did she meet Dante (who’s given as her mate in the first section)? How does she feel when her friends can’t be there? What is it about alfalfa that she likes so much (smell, taste, texture, etc)? Explore the character, play around with the idea of her a little, ask yourself how she’d react in a silly situation or a scary one, and have some fun with working out the little quirks that make her special to you. :3 It’ll improve your form and give you a stronger sense of who Irya is as a character.

[Xanre]

Long post, ahoy! XD This is going back all the way to my last post and covering every form since then apart from the TaN ones and the most recent three (Minnie:)'s, Jelli's and MirrorMask's). I'll get those remaining three a little later on when I've got some more time. :3 I think most of these forms are still active, but if not, at least the critiques might give some feedback to use on other forms.

This is a critique for Xanre!
Who the critique is for: Xanre’s Agency form for Litani
What you had to say about it:
Interesting and well-written so far; I’m interested to see how Litani lost her sight and why it was her own fault, and I felt sympathy with her helpless anger at what she had lost and was no longer able to experience because of that. She feels very real in her emotions and is complex without being mystifying in her responses. I’d suggest putting a space between the current happenings and her memory of the past, since it’s not immediately apparent that she is simply remembering an event rather than the event being in progress at that moment, but apart from that it’s an excellent start. :3

Wow, thanks! I'm glad her personality seems so real, and that my story was so interesting. ^^
As for the space, I'll add that right away.