The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[Papyrsatyr]

Mini bump, please remember if you critique other's form, they might return the favor! ^ ^

[TheCalicoTabby]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Hawkwing
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=99202&p=3506276#p3506276
I know there's not much of a story yet; I'm just trying to get a bit of an introduction to the character. I'm planning on continuing this in the same way I have written it so far; explaining her history in third person and then adding in short stories from her point of view at different points in her life.
Adoption Agency you are applying for: The Agency (2.0)
Deadline for your form: Um, not sure. ^^"
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either's fine.

[Cirque]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Cirque
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&p=3517611#p3517611
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goennec~
Deadline for your form: I don't know, probably a while since the round just started
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both

[Atwood]

I think this covers all the forms that were still waiting here (apart from TaN applications).

This is a critique for Cirque!
Who the critique is for: Cirque's Goennec application for Vienne
What you had to say about it:
It seems incomplete right now, but I really like what you've got so far. :3 Vienne comes across as a fairly tough and independent goennec as an adult, as well as somewhat jaded, which contrasts interestingly with the bit when she's younger in which she seems much sweeter - it makes me wonder what has happened in her life to make her think that way, which makes me want to read more about her to find out. There are a few run-on sentences (for example "She didn't know what to do, she was attempting to find a shelter in this barren land, but there wasn't anything to be seen in her sight" should have either a period or semi-colon (;) after "She didn't know what to do") that make it a little hard to understand in spots, but not too bad. Also, there are a few spots in the first paragraph of her background with redundant descriptions such as "seen in her sight" - those should probably be shortened to either "to be seen" or "in her sight". Apart from those little things, it's looking good. ^^ You might want to put a little bit of her personality in the Personality section (only non-spoiler bits of course ) just to show that you do have a defined personality in mind for her, but if you keep expanding on her story it will probably show up well in there, too. :3


This is a critique for nainium!
Who the critique is for: nainium's Agency application for Talia
What you had to say about it:
First thing that struck me about the form was the font colour, which is never a good thing. XD I had to highlight it to read it easily. Bright green is a very hard colour to read against a light background, and it can be hard on the eyes to look at for a long time, so I'd definitely suggest changing the colour to something darker (if you really want it green, maybe something like this or this would be better). Apart from that, it was a really interesting form with a lot of emotion - the little details like her father bringing home green candy wrappers as presents for her were touching, and her father's death was dramatic and tragic. I can definitely see how that would haunt her forever, and her responses to his death felt fairly genuine and realistic (cleaning his fur, trying to make him look like he was sleeping, etc). Apart from the font colour, I really don't have any suggestions for improving it. ^^


This is a critique for Lirrie!
Who the critique is for: Lirrie's Agency form for Alo and Chevayo
What you had to say about it:
I found the descriptions of the horses' culture and breeds quite interesting, and the land of Farenairer felt well-drawn. There wasn't much sense of the brothers' personalities in the actual story part though - maybe a scene of them interacting with someone else or each other might help show their characters more, since in the form right now they only have one line of dialogue each. Perhaps you might also show Alo on a scouting mission or Chevayo sparring with another horse so the reader can see that they're good at what they do, or maybe just write a short scene of them playing in the water or something. :3 The sentence structure is confusing in a few spots; for example "Once it was lead by their new leader Spirit's Grandfather now led by Spirit they travel and take in other horses that need a safe herd to travel in" could be rewritten as "It was once led by [grandfather's name], the Grandfather of their new leader, Spirit. Now led by Spirit they travel and take in other horses that need a safe herd to travel in". Also there are a few punctuation problems, like where it talks about the humans taking away the herd and says "humans; something rarely seen in Farenairer; came" it should have commas or dashes (-) instead of semi-colons. Pretty much the only issue is the grammar and punctuation - the idea behind it is great and the characters seem interesting if under-displayed.


This is a critique for Hawkwing!
Who the critique is for: Hawkwing's Agency application for Kayla
What you had to say about it:
Not much to say here, really - the story is well-written and interesting, Kayla's personality is completely believable and appealing, and her interactions with her siblings were cute and realistic; they were slightly humanized but still very much kittens, if that makes sense. It'll be interesting to see where you take the story from here, because you've got a fine start on it. :3 My one peeve (which is entirely mine and not really related to the form itself) is that you used 'pedigree' interchangeably with 'purebred'. Those are entirely different concepts - you can have a pedigreed mutt and a purebred with no pedigree, since a pedigree is nothing more than a family tree. ;3 Everything else I found no problems with. ^^

[TheCalicoTabby]

I think this covers all the forms that were still waiting here (apart from TaN applications).
This is a critique for Hawkwing!
Who the critique is for: Hawkwing's Agency application for Kayla
What you had to say about it:
Not much to say here, really - the story is well-written and interesting, Kayla's personality is completely believable and appealing, and her interactions with her siblings were cute and realistic; they were slightly humanized but still very much kittens, if that makes sense. It'll be interesting to see where you take the story from here, because you've got a fine start on it. :3 My one peeve (which is entirely mine and not really related to the form itself) is that you used 'pedigree' interchangeably with 'purebred'. Those are entirely different concepts - you can have a pedigreed mutt and a purebred with no pedigree, since a pedigree is nothing more than a family tree. ;3 Everything else I found no problems with. ^^

Okay, I think I'll change that part, then. I don't really know much about that. Thanks for the critique!

[tinydoodles]

This is a critique for nainium!
Who the critique is for: nainium's Agency application for Talia
What you had to say about it:
First thing that struck me about the form was the font colour, which is never a good thing. XD I had to highlight it to read it easily. Bright green is a very hard colour to read against a light background, and it can be hard on the eyes to look at for a long time, so I'd definitely suggest changing the colour to something darker (if you really want it green, maybe something like this or this would be better). Apart from that, it was a really interesting form with a lot of emotion - the little details like her father bringing home green candy wrappers as presents for her were touching, and her father's death was dramatic and tragic. I can definitely see how that would haunt her forever, and her responses to his death felt fairly genuine and realistic (cleaning his fur, trying to make him look like he was sleeping, etc). Apart from the font colour, I really don't have any suggestions for improving it. ^^

Thanks Atwood! I'll change that now XD

[Ebonpyre]

I want to thank you guys for critiquing my form. I'm pretty sure it helped, since I got him ^_^

I have another form I need critique on, though. It's a bit choppy in places, and makes little sense there, so mostly I'm looking for critique on the big part in parentheses.

I would like some critique please!
Username: Azora
Link to your form: It can be found on this page
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Break of Dawn
Deadline for your form: I'm not sure, but either today or tomorrow, most likely
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Whichever way is most convenient

[Lirrie]

I think this covers all the forms that were still waiting here (apart from TaN applications).
This is a critique for Lirrie!
Who the critique is for: Lirrie's Agency form for Alo and Chevayo
What you had to say about it:
I found the descriptions of the horses' culture and breeds quite interesting, and the land of Farenairer felt well-drawn. There wasn't much sense of the brothers' personalities in the actual story part though - maybe a scene of them interacting with someone else or each other might help show their characters more, since in the form right now they only have one line of dialogue each. Perhaps you might also show Alo on a scouting mission or Chevayo sparring with another horse so the reader can see that they're good at what they do, or maybe just write a short scene of them playing in the water or something. :3 The sentence structure is confusing in a few spots; for example "Once it was lead by their new leader Spirit's Grandfather now led by Spirit they travel and take in other horses that need a safe herd to travel in" could be rewritten as "It was once led by [grandfather's name], the Grandfather of their new leader, Spirit. Now led by Spirit they travel and take in other horses that need a safe herd to travel in". Also there are a few punctuation problems, like where it talks about the humans taking away the herd and says "humans; something rarely seen in Farenairer; came" it should have commas or dashes (-) instead of semi-colons. Pretty much the only issue is the grammar and punctuation - the idea behind it is great and the characters seem interesting if under-displayed. ^^

Thank I noticed that there wasnt much of them in there and plan to remedy the situation today, I will also change the parts you told me about. Thanks for the cretice hopefully it will make my form better.

[MirrorMask]

I would like some critique please!
Username:MirrorMask
Link to your form:http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=98912&start=1110
Adoption Agency you are applying for:::Avaydia::
Deadline for your form:Don't know
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM?Pm please

[Xanre]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Xanre
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=99202&p=3504049#p3504049
Adoption Agency you are applying for: The Agency 2.0
Deadline for your form: I'm not sure
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both