The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[Nawee]

This is a critique for Nawee!
Who the critique is for: Nawee's Agency form for Harmony
What you had to say about it:

I was born in a small town somewhere you don’t need to know.

This sounds strange to me...as if Harmony is very secluded and private and doesn't want me to know. I would just put "I was born in a small town." but that's my opinion.

I jump into his car and fell asleep.

A problem with verb agreement here. I think you meant jumped right? C:

Okay, that were all the grammar errors I could find...

I think Harmony attacking her dad was a little sudden...If you mentioned somewhere that after her mom died, her dad began hitting her, it would make more sense to me C;

Now, I have a problem with the ending. It's so sudden. It feels incomplete, not a good ending that leaves me satisfied. Her attacking the dad, is the climax am I correct? Well, from there onwards, you sorta rush into the ending which I find very unsatisfactory (that's me, sorry. I can't stand endings in stories that aren't rounded and complete, unless they are meant to be cliffhangers XD). I think you need to elaborate more into the ending. Talk more about the stranger's car, about how she knew immediately that she was safe in the shapeshifter community, etc.

Other than that, I think you have a really great, sold form. C:

Thanks a lot for the critique, I think it will helps me out a lot. Do you think you could point me out the grammar mistakes ? English isn't my first language you see and I need to improve it, so I would like to know what I did wrong ^-^

For the dad part, I'll see what I can do to improve it. I thought it was clear that he was already hitting her, but it seems it's not. I'll work on that.

For the ending, it may be rushed a bit. I'll see what I can do there too. It's like another shapeshifters is asking her how she awakened and how she ended up in the shapeshifter village, so there is not really much to add to it. But I think I get what you mean and I'll try to fix it.

Thanks for the critique !

[Warburton]

Than you, azalea, for the critique! 8D

[bearlygrunge]

This is a critique for DarkAngel52!
Who the critique is for: Oz a Smili to be adopted at TaN
What you had to say about it: First thing I noticed is the setting. You talked of rainforests, so I thought BRAZIL, then you mention Africa. . . I'm confused. Perhaps my geographic memory is weak. . . I guess the only thing I was thinking is that Spotty says that Smilis live in areas that have snow at least in the winter. But, I mean I don't have a problem with it, I just don't know if the judges will be adhering strictly to that. There is a nice flow in your entry, not overly descriptive and not lacking. Just perfect. ^^;

he fell back onto his hind’s and yawned

Hind legs, I'm guessing. Not bad, but if you said, "hind legs" it would be even better! And I don't believe you need that apostrophe, either. Then Spotty also said Smili are not the best runners and lions, much more powerful struggle to kill an adult antelope. But, overall it was wonderful! I absolutely loved it! Oz's personality really shone throughout the background section. Good luck! Your form could win him! <3

[azalea]

no problem, nawee and darkangel! happy to help. C:

[Nawee]

no problem, nawee and darkangel! happy to help. C:

I've edited my form following your advices Aza ^-^ If you want to take a look again, go ahead ! (here)
I don't want a critique, just to know if it's better.

[Warburton]

This is a critique for DarkAngel52!
Who the critique is for: Oz a Smili to be adopted at TaN
What you had to say about it: First thing I noticed is the setting. You talked of rainforests, so I thought BRAZIL, then you mention Africa. . . I'm confused. Perhaps my geographic memory is weak. . . I guess the only thing I was thinking is that Spotty says that Smilis live in areas that have snow at least in the winter. But, I mean I don't have a problem with it, I just don't know if the judges will be adhering strictly to that. There is a nice flow in your entry, not overly descriptive and not lacking. Just perfect. ^^;

he fell back onto his hind’s and yawned

Hind legs, I'm guessing. Not bad, but if you said, "hind legs" it would be even better! And I don't believe you need that apostrophe, either. Then Spotty also said Smili are not the best runners and lions, much more powerful struggle to kill an adult antelope. But, overall it was wonderful! I absolutely loved it! Oz's personality really shone throughout the background section. Good luck! Your form could win him! <3

I edited my form, following your advice. I changed the country (Argentina, the souther regions, has hot, tropical summers and heavy snow-falling winters XD) and a few other things. =) Feel free to check to see if it's better. XD

[Lirrie]

I cant post my form till the artist says its good and i have permission but I really want it cryticed can we post the form here or send it to one of the cretiqers in a pm?

[Cirque]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Cirque
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&p=3435643&hilit
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goennec~
Deadline for your form: I don't know exactly, but I believe it is soon
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both
And on a side note, I'm against this person viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&hilit and I'd love it if someone could tell me who has the better chance of winning.

I've edited mine since the last time I posted it.

[Ebonpyre]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Azora
Link to your form: It's right here
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ::Avaydia::
Deadline for your form: Tonight
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Here

I'm quoting this because I've added and changed a lot.

[Meadow]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Meadow
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&p=3407948#p3407948
Adoption Agency you are applying for: TaN
Deadline for your form: Monday, as in tomorrow
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either. If I had to choose, it would be PM. But I don't care as long as I do get critic. XD