Screaming the Wrong Notes (Feedback and Critique Encouraged)

[wildfire6]

Bmp

[Rolly-chan]

This is a really good story! Interesting, intriguing. You have a point to each scene so that not one seems redundant (except maybe for the one they both meet - but I'll come back to that) and I really really love the theme of this. It reminds me a little bit of "The Royal Doll Orchestra" because of the mysterious atmosphere - they just both give me similar vibes. And I love that manga
(and I love music, since I have played the piano for, oh hells, already 12 years!).

What you could improve is description. Description of the surroundings, sounds, smells. You could add a bit of description here and there (but don't go overboard xD). It's just that I can't get a good image of the place, of their world. Maybe try to picture the place in your head as detailed as possible, and then put in bits and pieces of what you see, hear, smell and touch (how surfaces feel, or the humidity or heat or cold).

Regarding the scene where they first meet again: this is the only scene that to me seems a bit redundant. Why do they meet before school? Is it important? Is the point of the scene that Violan hums the tune Altona has stuck in her head so that she somehow recognizes him a little? If so, you could try to make it more important in that scene, make it the main point. Maybe by making Violan hum the tune before he speaks to Altona so that she pays attention to him before they actually meet, and make Altona wonder about that tune from start to finish.
That's just an example, though, and I don't want to tell you how to write your own story, since you're the only one who can write it (or else, it wouldn't be your story). =)

You could use a betareader. I have spotted several typos and missing comas and such. If you want me to look it all over and correct it, I'd be glad to help!

So, now you have another reader because I'll definitely keep an eye at this story ^^
(I saw your story on the Inklings topic, so, hello, fellow writer!)

[wildfire6]

Thank you so much for the feedback, I will definatly go into the descriptions and as for Violan, he's been looking for her and Altona was walking to school, so their meeting was a "what-the-heck-why-not?" moment. The tune will be important later but at this point Violan's just doing everything he can to get her to remember things, so he's just trying to jog her memory as much as he can))
Spellingwise my spell check is broken, so I haven't gotten to sending it through google))

[Rolly-chan]

You're welcome =)
It's just that this scene sounds a little bit unnecessary and boring to me ^^° You know, she's walking to school, new guy comes up and asks for directions, yadda yadda yadda. It's what could happen any day. But if you hint at what will happen at the very beginning of the scene - for example, Altona having a kind of precognition, an eerie feeling that something's about to happen, that something's not quite normal or something like that - then it probably wouldn't feel as redundant.
But maybe it's just me xD (and it's nothing big, anyway ^^)

Do you use firefox as your internet browser? If so, you can install a dictionary for it from the mozilla add-ons page, and then you'll have a spell-check for the CS forum boxes you write in (any boxes if you access them through firefox, in fact). I'm not sure about Internet Explorer, but I'm sure it's got something similar.
Or did you mean this spell check? xD Then you can use Word or OpenOffice.
The spell check won't find mistakes like linking two main sentences through a comma, though. Or more complex grammar.

[wildfire6]

Thanks for the advise))
I use internet explorer actually (but your making me wish I used firefox))
I had word, but my dad tried to update it and ended up messing it up))

[Rolly-chan]

Yeah. It's strange. I can't seem to find any add ons for internet explorer as easily as I would for firefox o,O Maybe I'm just not used to it xD

But lookie:
http://www.grammarly.com/?q=spellcheck& ... zAodonKSaw
You can just paste your text there and it will underline the incorrect words ^^

[wildfire6]

Thank you!!!))

[wildfire6]

Altona

Background Music-This Is Halloween from The Nightmare Before Christmas
"Violan, what if they find out?" ,I asked my instrument. Well, he wasn't in instrument form at the moment, right now he was a dark haired blue eyes muse with an alto clef under his right eye, bandages over his left eye and the wings of a kind of bat, "They'll know we're onto them at some point."
Violan gave a melodic laugh, perfectly in tune, "They won't! You're half banshee for crying out loud, they think banshees are all mindless animals, right?"
"Yeah but-"
"Altona, I'm your instrument, nothing more to them. There's nothing to worry about."
"But Violan that's why they'll go for you, because you're my instrument. How better to get me to quit the council than to get rid of you." ,my voice had risen to a pleading tone, "I-I just don't know what to do. If I stay they'll get rid of you and-and I don't know how I'd get on without you, it's not like there are so many alto instruments willing to pair with a half-breed like me."
Violan sighed, "If it'll cheer you up I'm somewhat prepared."
"How?"
He moved up the long black sleeve of his coat to show a white bandage, I immediately slapped him, "Violan, if your that emo I can get you therapy, there's no need to cut yourself! Seriously, you being depressed doesn't help."
Violan rubbed the red hand shape on his jaw, "D*mn Altona, I'm not emo, I got a f*ck*ng tattoo. Gah, did you really have to hit me so hard?"
I gave a small laugh, "Yes Violan I did, now show me the tattoo that will cheer me up."
Violan returned to smiling and lifted the bandage to show my name in beautiful silver cursive on his wrist, "If they do take me, I'll know to look for you. Even if it is under the wrong intentions my tech genius friend, you can hack google from up here right?"
I ran my fingers over the letters and nodded, "Of course I can, what kind of hacker would I be if I couldn't find a search for my name in a worldwide search engine?"
Violan rolled his eyes at my sarcasm, "At least I know you can do it."
I looked up to him, "I'd never get on without you."
The jewel tone muse park around us suddenly seemed brighter than when we'd entered, we might be able to stop the corruption of the council yet.
I shoot awake panting at the sound of my alarm clock, "What the h*ll was that?"
I feel an odd pain in my shoulder blades, like I'd slept on them wrong, but it isn't my shoulder blades, it's something farther out. I run to the small bathroom that is attached to the mess that was my bedroom and looked in the mirror. I screamed at my reflection.

The damaged part of my face has a gold alto clef on it and that half of my mouth is full of razor-like teeth. As for my eye, it appears it had never been there. I turn cautiously so that my back was to the mirror and find myself greeted by a set of gold tinted white bird wings. I think to move them, see it they're real. They are, and I can't even open them fully because tip to tip they're in the range of twenty feet.

[wildfire6]

Violan

Background Music-Scared by Three Days Grace

I run to the spot where I met her the day before, if I'm lucky she's still walking to school after my creeper tattoo incident.

I get lucky.

Altona is shaking all over, her wings constantly adjusting as is her subconscious habit. She doesn't see me until she walks into me.

I hold the girl by her shoulders and look her in the eye (singular), "You okay Altona? You seem a bit off."

Altona shakes her head in response, "You wouldn't believe me if I-Oh H*ll you've got them to!"

I raise my eyebrow, "Got what exactly?"

"Th-th-the f*ck*ng wings! Their all silvery-black and big and batty and stuff!"

I shrug, "I'm aware of that. Looks like you're starting to go back to your old self, seeing through the glamour is a good sign."

Altona's eye is wide, "Explain this to me?" ,it was more of a question than the order she intended.

I laugh, "Altona, that could take all day."

She stares at me, "My dad got a day job, we can cut class for my plausible schizophrenia."

[Asap1998]

I love your writing so much, I can't wait for more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!