"Jenny! Come out here now!" screamed my mother. I slowly opened my door and closed my eyes. I took a step, then two, then ended up in front of my mother. "Open your damn eyes now." I slowly did. She grabbed my face with her hand, pressing my cheek against my teeth painfully. She got close, and her breath made me gag. "Look what you did, you brat," she hissed, yanking my head around to the couch.
I saw the stain. The stain from her. But I guessed she was too drunk to remember it. She pushed me away and I rubbed my jaw where it hurt.
"You clean that up right now!" she yelled, pointing a finger at me. I turned away and got a rag, scrubbing the stain. She stood over me. "Get out of my sight." she said after it was gone. She snatched the rag out of my hand and left. I got up and went into my room, shutting the door quietly.
_____________
I grabbed my backpack and went outside, getting my bike.
I balanced the backpack on the handlebars and on my legs, then set off the most horrible day of the year.
First day of school.
_____________
"Hey, nice jeans!" called out a group of girls walking behind me. My cheeks flushed and I tried to disappear in my locker. They laughed and giggled and then walked on. I checked that they were gone, and looked down at my jeans. What was wrong with them? I touched my knee through the rough hole, and slid my fingers over the countless stains.
I angrily slammed my locker and grabbed my books. I looked at my schedule and headed to my next class.
_____________
"A young child, the age of 3, murdered. The body found-" I clicked the television off and curled up on the couch.
A slam.
A click.
The door opened, and my heart was pounding. I pretended to be asleep.
My mother dropped her keys on the counter and made her way up the stairs, her heavy feet thudding. Her breathing was ragged. I heard her bedroom door creak, and latch. I quietly got up, grabbed my jacket and went outside.
_____________
As I curled up in the grass, I looked up at the moon. The stars twinkled and smiled, having a great time. I heard faint laughter. But I wasn't sure it was totally real.
_____________
I shivered and rubbed my arms. I craned my neck and remembered I had school. I got to my feet and looked back at the dark house. I tried opening the door, but it was locked. I peeked in through the living room window and saw my mom sleeping on the couch. I tried getting her up as I eyed my homework sitting on the table, but she didn't stir. After awhile I angrily pounded my fists on the window and ran to school.
_____________
"Jenny, where's your homework?" Mr. Hems asked. I ducked my head down. "Locked inside my home with my drunk mother."
"What did you say?"
I raised my head. "Don't have it."
He shook his head and wrote something down then turned to the class. I laid my head down on my desk and closed my eyes.
_____________
I walked to the park after school.
I saw countless giddy children and exasperated moms. They all stared and watched me walk away. I had to leave.
_____________
I slowly walked down the hallway and passed Her door. I closed my eyes and touched the soft wood. I thought I heard Her tinkling laghter. Her light blonde hair bouncing happily as she played with her toys.
I turned into my room, my eyes sore.
I looked around my small room thoughtfully and saw my closet. But I didn't really see a closet. I saw a place where things could be relieved. A place that would end all my worries. I saw the belt. The bar high above my head. But I looked away.
I looked at my small desk with the red lamp on it.
I turned my head to look out the window to see the town I'd lived in all my life.
I thought of my mom, who I knew deep inside she loved me. I knew she cared.
I got into my bed, the covers like a shield of all my problems. I snuggled in deeper and tried to forget. Tried to forgive. But I couldn't.
_____________
I skipped school on Wednesday. Instead I took my bike to the park and sat down by the base of a tree and read a book.
_____________
I woke up to the sound of my stomach rumbling. I clutched it and got up, shoving my book in my backpack. I looked for anyone coming then hopped on my bike and raced to the grocery store.
The trees and roads whizzed past as I thought of my life. I thought of me.
I thought of how I kept all my feelings hidden, hidden under a mask of courage. I had created a shell around my feelings many years ago, and it had been getting thicker. No matter what happened I had been determined to look strong, but on the inside I was rotting away.
I thought of my mom. She didn't used to come home drunk. She used to come home happy and cheerful, her arms spread wide for me to hug her tightly and breathe in her sweet scent. She'd cook me dinner and we'd talk, then she'd tuck me in. I was always full. Always happy.
But now I was always hungry. Always angry. Always looking for a way out.
_____________
I parked my bike and went inside. I quickly ducked behind an isle and looked for food. I grabbed a pack of ham and put it under my shirt. I crossed my arms over my chest. The cashier looked over at me. "Find what you were looking for?" I shook my head and hurried out the door. I grabbed my bike and sped off.
_____________
I arrived home and set the ham in the fridge. But I snuck a piece and shoved it in my mouth then wiped the grease off my hands on my jeans. I hugged myself tight as I sat on the couch. My throat choked up, and my mom came in. She wobbled over to me, her breath jarring me off the couch. I saw a glint in her eye. This wasn't my mom. This was someone else.
She reached towards me, her hands bony and cracked. I pushed it away, disgusted. She groans and I shove her away, urgently trying to escape. But her hand latches around my neck. I try to pry it off, but she won't let go. Then she gasps and releases. I looked at her, horrified. But she doesn't look back.
I run as quickly as I can up the stairs and into my room. My hearts racing and I've made the descision. I grab my belt and tie it around my neck. I look around my room and say good-bye.
"Wait!" I hear my mom call. "I'm so sorry!"
She bursts through the door and grabs me tightly. I smell her warm, homey scent and she whispers in my ear, "I love you."
But that didn't actually happen. I just wish it would. I become angry at my mom. How she never loved me. Never took care of me. I walk slowly into the closet and I sit on my knees on the shelf as I tie the belt to the bar.
I think of us laughing together, I think of us sitting on the couch, eating together. But most of all, I think of Her. I think of Chrissy. My beloved sister. She left this world too early. Too soon. Before that everything was happy. But when she died, mom became depressed. She used drugs and alcohol to relieve it.
I look out of the dark closet into my darkening room and for the first time, a tear slips down my cheek.
"I love you," I whisper.
And I think She heard.
_____________
I saw the stain. The stain from her. But I guessed she was too drunk to remember it. She pushed me away and I rubbed my jaw where it hurt.
"You clean that up right now!" she yelled, pointing a finger at me. I turned away and got a rag, scrubbing the stain. She stood over me. "Get out of my sight." she said after it was gone. She snatched the rag out of my hand and left. I got up and went into my room, shutting the door quietly.
_____________
I grabbed my backpack and went outside, getting my bike.
I balanced the backpack on the handlebars and on my legs, then set off the most horrible day of the year.
First day of school.
_____________
"Hey, nice jeans!" called out a group of girls walking behind me. My cheeks flushed and I tried to disappear in my locker. They laughed and giggled and then walked on. I checked that they were gone, and looked down at my jeans. What was wrong with them? I touched my knee through the rough hole, and slid my fingers over the countless stains.
I angrily slammed my locker and grabbed my books. I looked at my schedule and headed to my next class.
_____________
"A young child, the age of 3, murdered. The body found-" I clicked the television off and curled up on the couch.
A slam.
A click.
The door opened, and my heart was pounding. I pretended to be asleep.
My mother dropped her keys on the counter and made her way up the stairs, her heavy feet thudding. Her breathing was ragged. I heard her bedroom door creak, and latch. I quietly got up, grabbed my jacket and went outside.
_____________
As I curled up in the grass, I looked up at the moon. The stars twinkled and smiled, having a great time. I heard faint laughter. But I wasn't sure it was totally real.
_____________
I shivered and rubbed my arms. I craned my neck and remembered I had school. I got to my feet and looked back at the dark house. I tried opening the door, but it was locked. I peeked in through the living room window and saw my mom sleeping on the couch. I tried getting her up as I eyed my homework sitting on the table, but she didn't stir. After awhile I angrily pounded my fists on the window and ran to school.
_____________
"Jenny, where's your homework?" Mr. Hems asked. I ducked my head down. "Locked inside my home with my drunk mother."
"What did you say?"
I raised my head. "Don't have it."
He shook his head and wrote something down then turned to the class. I laid my head down on my desk and closed my eyes.
_____________
I walked to the park after school.
I saw countless giddy children and exasperated moms. They all stared and watched me walk away. I had to leave.
_____________
I slowly walked down the hallway and passed Her door. I closed my eyes and touched the soft wood. I thought I heard Her tinkling laghter. Her light blonde hair bouncing happily as she played with her toys.
I turned into my room, my eyes sore.
I looked around my small room thoughtfully and saw my closet. But I didn't really see a closet. I saw a place where things could be relieved. A place that would end all my worries. I saw the belt. The bar high above my head. But I looked away.
I looked at my small desk with the red lamp on it.
I turned my head to look out the window to see the town I'd lived in all my life.
I thought of my mom, who I knew deep inside she loved me. I knew she cared.
I got into my bed, the covers like a shield of all my problems. I snuggled in deeper and tried to forget. Tried to forgive. But I couldn't.
_____________
I skipped school on Wednesday. Instead I took my bike to the park and sat down by the base of a tree and read a book.
_____________
I woke up to the sound of my stomach rumbling. I clutched it and got up, shoving my book in my backpack. I looked for anyone coming then hopped on my bike and raced to the grocery store.
The trees and roads whizzed past as I thought of my life. I thought of me.
I thought of how I kept all my feelings hidden, hidden under a mask of courage. I had created a shell around my feelings many years ago, and it had been getting thicker. No matter what happened I had been determined to look strong, but on the inside I was rotting away.
I thought of my mom. She didn't used to come home drunk. She used to come home happy and cheerful, her arms spread wide for me to hug her tightly and breathe in her sweet scent. She'd cook me dinner and we'd talk, then she'd tuck me in. I was always full. Always happy.
But now I was always hungry. Always angry. Always looking for a way out.
_____________
I parked my bike and went inside. I quickly ducked behind an isle and looked for food. I grabbed a pack of ham and put it under my shirt. I crossed my arms over my chest. The cashier looked over at me. "Find what you were looking for?" I shook my head and hurried out the door. I grabbed my bike and sped off.
_____________
I arrived home and set the ham in the fridge. But I snuck a piece and shoved it in my mouth then wiped the grease off my hands on my jeans. I hugged myself tight as I sat on the couch. My throat choked up, and my mom came in. She wobbled over to me, her breath jarring me off the couch. I saw a glint in her eye. This wasn't my mom. This was someone else.
She reached towards me, her hands bony and cracked. I pushed it away, disgusted. She groans and I shove her away, urgently trying to escape. But her hand latches around my neck. I try to pry it off, but she won't let go. Then she gasps and releases. I looked at her, horrified. But she doesn't look back.
I run as quickly as I can up the stairs and into my room. My hearts racing and I've made the descision. I grab my belt and tie it around my neck. I look around my room and say good-bye.
"Wait!" I hear my mom call. "I'm so sorry!"
She bursts through the door and grabs me tightly. I smell her warm, homey scent and she whispers in my ear, "I love you."
But that didn't actually happen. I just wish it would. I become angry at my mom. How she never loved me. Never took care of me. I walk slowly into the closet and I sit on my knees on the shelf as I tie the belt to the bar.
I think of us laughing together, I think of us sitting on the couch, eating together. But most of all, I think of Her. I think of Chrissy. My beloved sister. She left this world too early. Too soon. Before that everything was happy. But when she died, mom became depressed. She used drugs and alcohol to relieve it.
I look out of the dark closet into my darkening room and for the first time, a tear slips down my cheek.
"I love you," I whisper.
And I think She heard.
_____________
