~Ƭɛαяƨ Ѳғ Ɖɛƨραιя~

[castielle]

Any feedback of the story so far would be appreciated. ^^

[Azmeril]

This story is amazing! I really love it.
I think you have used good wording and descriptive language and the story idea is really cool.
I do have some advice though, you can take it or leave it.
it is important when you are writing stories to remember what you have already written or even reread it so when you write the next bit everything is the same. For example, in Chapter 1 you said Magenta had her hair out, but then in chapter three she had her hair up. It is only a tiny mistake though and one that many would over look and as I said, you may take or leave my advice. Another thing I noticed was the newspaper article. While I think the idea is awesome I don't think it would be as calm as it seemed here and it probably would be plastered everywhere for all to see and there would be a lot of people panicking. For a first draft though, this story is absolutely incredible. I love your characters, especially Nick I think this story has amazing potential, please keep going!

[castielle]

Thankyou heaps, Azmeril! I just fixed the mistake that you mentioned. ^^ I'm happy that you like the story so much. Chapter 5 will be here soon.

[castielle]

Chapter Five

It took me a while to stop freaking out about the war that could possibly be coming. It's ironic that the day I stop clutching the fabric bag is the day that the war actually breaks out.

I sat in my classroom at school. Things had actually, unbelievably, been improving as far as my bullying problems went. My brown hair was in a long braid down my back, my eyes glued to the teacher, who was droning on with some speech about World War 2, Hitler's reign and such. I vigorously scribbled notes in my workbook.

"Magenta?" the teacher suddenly spoke. "Would you care to share your notes with the class?" I bit my full lip with uncertainty.
"Um, sure," I said, nervously walking out the front. No feet yet, but I tried not to get too hopeful. I was sure I would be tripped soon enough.

I slowly read out my notes with perfect clarity. People tilted their heads, as though they thought it impossible that I could actually do anything intelligent at all. When I had finished, I strode back to my seat quickly, blushing furiously.

I closed my notebook when I smelt smoke, and heard the sound of gunshots. People started to scream as the lockdown alarm began to sound, the deafening noise ringing in their ears. I tried not to scream, I really did, but soon I was screaming just like everybody else.

I jumped off my seat and crawled under my desk, just like everyone else was. Lockdown protocol was there to keep us safe, so why not obey it?

I covered my ears and bit my tongue. The teacher frantically ran around the classroom, calling students names, trying to get them into order.

"We have to evacuate!" she shrieked. "Jason, Natalie, Milli, Nick, Magenta! Everyone! Now!"

I emerged from under the table and didn't need to be told twice. Neither did anyone else. The teacher led us outside where we ran down stairs and hid in the forest near the school. Everyone heard the sound of bullets whistling through the air.

I didn't have my bag, my family, anything really. The teacher had told us to scatter through the forest until someone found us. Someone that wasn't a soldier.

I ran around wildly and scaled a tree. I sat on a branch and pulled twigs from my braid. My skirt was ripped a little and my white blouse was a bit dirty. And here I was, alone in the woods with a war raging on.

Now what?

[Snips.]

This is a great idea c:
If you put it on websites like FictionPress or Wattpad, you might get some more readers