Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[rheia]

Thank you for accepting me. c:

I started a piece yesterday, and it's actually based off a nightmare I've been having. This is what I'e got so far, but, I can pull up the plot if anyone wants to read it. c:


I awoke in a cold, stone room as a shiver ran down my spine. I did not know where I was, or how I had got here. My breath swirled above me as a white cloud, and I watched it for a few moments; mesmerized, like I always had been, by the patterns I could see. I heard movement from beside me. Slowly, and cautiously, I turned my head to the side. I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. It was my friend, Isla. I could just make out a small cut above her eye if I strained my eyes in the darkness. From what I could see, the bleeding had stopped,but it would still be causing her a lot of pain. Carefully, I sat up and squinted through the blackness. I could make out four other forms, and I strained my mind trying to figure out who they are.

A hand brushed against my arm and I jumped, hands curling into fists.

“Shh.” I heard the familiar voice of my sister whisper hoarsely, her hand searching out mine. “Do you know what happened?”

I shook my head, biting back a whimper as her hand brushed over mine. I don’t know what I’d done to it, I just knew that any sort of pressure on it was sheer agony for me.

“I don’t know.” I whispered back, blinking back salty tears that threatened to leak from my eyes. “Who else is here, Al?”

“Jeff, Skyler, Rebecca, Isla, yourself and me.” Alanna told me quietly. I was about to say something in response when a voice rang out, echoing off the stone walls;

“Find the exit, or starve.”

Panic started to bubble up in the pit of my stomach. How were we going to find our way out? We could barely see!

“We have to wait it out.” Alanna whispered. “We can’t do anything until morning when we can actually see. So, we might as well try and get some sleep. How she expected me to sleep, I had no idea. But, for her, I would try. She wrapped me in her arms, chin resting on the top of my head as she hummed softly, lulling me into a restless sleep.

I don’t know how long I slept for, but when I awoke, light was seeping into the room. I could make out each detail clearly now. The walls were made of uneven grey bricks and the floor was concrete; although it could not be seen as a result of the dirt which covered it. There was a single slit for a window, too high to climb out. There were no proper beds in our dungeon, merely slabs of metal chained to the wall. There was no food, or water. We had to find our way out fast. If I remembered right from survival class, we only had three days before we would begin to perish from dehydration.

I could see each of my peers’ faces now. Jeff’s, so still and peaceful looking; as if he didn’t know what had happened and hadn’t woken up at all. Rebecca’s, etched with worry as it was every night – worry for her friends. Even in her sleep, she could tell when something was wrong. Then there was Isla. I couldn’t quite decipher what she was feeling. Her face was blank. I wondered if there was something going on, but she was just hiding it. Skyler was the easiest to read for others, but, to me, her face was the hardest to read. I couldn’t make out her emotions well, as I was distracted by her beauty. Her hair was a mix between blonde and brunette, and it fell in curls around her shoulders. Her eyes were closed in an almost peaceful expression, and the way the light hit her made her seem like she was glowing. Alanna was already awake - or hadn't slept at all; I couldn't tell. She wore a sombre expression as her eyes scanned the room, searching for some kind of exit.

[Pangolin]

Have you guys been accepting new members? I've noticed you guys stopped taking people after page 62 for some reason...

We're always taking new members. The owner just hasn't had the time to update the front page. So, feel free to fill out an app and join us. ^^'

[crescent + cheep]

I don't like taking Mary Sue tests because of this: Link

But anyway, I'm gonna give it a try.

// Commander Shepard
Great site!

//Aelphada
I agree.
Its not really fool-proof, but reading through some of the questions did help me with my characters.

//Silverhart
True. I think mary-Sure truly depends on the type of writing about, and what is clicheé at the moment, as Ashenjoy mentioned, the "Katniss" character type is seen more and more often, I think.
If any of you have read the book "OutsideIn" or "InsideOut", which are two good books, the main protagonist is of that type.

There are fewer charcters like Arthur in the "Keys of the Kingdom Series" [which I love], and like Hermione in Harry Potter, who lack phsical strength or agileness [Arthur has a strong Astma problem and isn't sporty at all, and Hermione lacks at riding a broomstick, and is more the intellectual type]. Correct me if I'm wrong

[Twisted_Swallow]

I'm really struggeling with fixing it up, I do realize that there is something wrong but I can't quite fix it, but thank you for the advice.

[MBRShorse]

I just read that whole webpage on Mary-Sues and I feel like presenting my opinion.

After reading the mentioned webpage, I found myself agreeing with the author. The term "Mary-sue" is so broadly used that I think that you could really consider every character a Mary-Sue in some capacity. It also is forcing certain character types out of the book world since they are deemed "mary-sues". So, after thinking about this, I had this little revelation that came from a previous discussion with another writer. So, here it is: Mary-sues are truly based off of characters traits, but how other characters react to them. Let me explain.

Let's say we have an Obnoxious character (yea, abused passed, infallible and is The Chosen one with super awesome, but rare powers). Now, if every character in the novel bows down before this person and worships them (and the message of the book isn't "People worship obnoxious people"), then the character will be perceived as a Mary-Sue. This will be especially true if those who speak out against them are portrayed as horrible and those who worship are shown to be wonderful. Now, if you the other characters in the book react negatively to Obnoxious character's traits, then they will most likely NOT be seen as a Mary-Sue, especially if the nay-sayers aren't portrayed as wrong. So, really, Mary-sue-ness is purely based off of the reactions of the other characters. Therefore, to avoid creating a Mary-Sue, make sure your character has flaws that other characters react negatively too. Also, not everyone is going to like them and they aren't always going to magically connect to the "tough" (i.e. loners, hard-hearted, etc) characters of the novel.

So, yes, that's what I think. Of course, in the writing process, this is a bit more complex (obviously), but this is the basic gist of things.

[Silverhart]

@Twisted_Swallow

Like Commander Shepard said, paragraphs and capitalization need some work. I'm also kind of lost as to what's going on. I think you should describe more of what's happening. Are they hiding in the first paragraph? Where are they hiding? You should show your audience where your characters are and what they're doing, otherwise they're just voices in space. At least a little bit at the beginning, just to get a setting. Describe what they're seeing.

And then, this person Roxy just pops up. You should describe her coming into the scene, where is she when she speaks up. Is she behind the characters, or next to them? Does she startle the other characters, or did they know she was there? It also says her voice is unfamiliar, so is she a stranger to them? It sort of needs to be more clear. And also, if she is a stranger, why do they trust her so quickly and agree to go with her? Since they were hiding from the other men, I would think they would be sort of wary of someone suddenly popping up.

But it is kind of hard to tell who's talking when, so definitely break their dialogue up into paragraphs. But it's a good start. The 'rippling' thing (is that right?) sounds really interesting.

@.Castiel.

Looks alright so far. You have me intrigued. In the first paragraph though you first say the character was watching their breath swirl in the air, and then next say that “I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.” Which are sort of contradictory actions.

Also this sentence: “I shook my head, biting back a whimper as her hand brushed over mine. I don’t know what I’d done to it, I just knew that any sort of pressure on it was sheer agony for me.” I'm just thinking that brushing someone's hand wouldn't really cause a lot of pain. Maybe grabbing or squeezing someone's hand, especially if they hurt it previously, but it just seemed a little odd that a brush would cause that sort of pain.

“Skyler was the easiest to read for others, but, to me, her face was the hardest to read.” Again, sort of contradictory. Either she's easy to read or she isn't. You go on to say that her beauty made it hard for the main character to decipher what she was feeling, but while that might be distracting, I can't really see how that would make her emotions harder to read. Maybe try saying it a different way, 'cause that sentence just doesn't make sense for me.

I'm sure there's other stuff, but that's what jumped out for me. Very interesting. I have so many questions about what's happening to these characters.

@Fanged A Mary Sue can certainly be a cliché, but a cliché character doesn't mean they're a Mary Sue. I don't know, is it me, or is every strong or smart female character labeled as cliché lately? It makes it so hard to write a likable, believable female character who is strong or smart. I can't really speak for Katniss type characters, since I haven't read 'The Hunger Games', and all the main characters in the books I'm currently reading are male.

I agree MBRSHorse, but I also think Mary Sueism is about wish fulfillment. About putting some of, or all of yourself into a character, and making that character how you want to be, and making the world act how you want the world to act for you. I actually think everyone should have a little Mary Sue character, not to publish or share, just to have fun with in your own little stories. I have one. XP It's fun! Although lately, she's seeming less Sueish and more like a real character.

[rheia]

@.Castiel.

Looks alright so far. You have me intrigued. In the first paragraph though you first say the character was watching their breath swirl in the air, and then next say that “I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.” Which are sort of contradictory actions.

I tend to do things like that without realizing. As in, I can be watching my breath one minute, and the next I can just realize that I've held in another breath. The protagonist is loosely based around myself, so, some of her actions are mine. ^^; I do see how that would seem odd to others, though. I'll probably edit that when I'm doing my revisions of the story.

Also this sentence: “I shook my head, biting back a whimper as her hand brushed over mine. I don’t know what I’d done to it, I just knew that any sort of pressure on it was sheer agony for me.” I'm just thinking that brushing someone's hand wouldn't really cause a lot of pain. Maybe grabbing or squeezing someone's hand, especially if they hurt it previously, but it just seemed a little odd that a brush would cause that sort of pain.

Again, as the main character is based around myself, her reactions are mostly the same. I'm really sensitive when it comes to pain, so, a brush over my hand would cause that amount of pain. I completely get that it doesn't make much sense to others, though. I need to remember that I have to write in a way that's easier to understand.

“Skyler was the easiest to read for others, but, to me, her face was the hardest to read.” Again, sort of contradictory. Either she's easy to read or she isn't. You go on to say that her beauty made it hard for the main character to decipher what she was feeling, but while that might be distracting, I can't really see how that would make her emotions harder to read. Maybe try saying it a different way, 'cause that sentence just doesn't make sense for me.

Skyler is also based off of someone, who is honestly difficult for me to read, but others seem to be able to read her like an open book. The main character often focuses on the things that distract her, or, rather, what something looks like and that often makes it harder for her to look deeper into things and see the bigger picture.

Thank you for the criticism though. <3 I'll take all of that on board.

[*~.Imagination.~*]

I agree, to an extent. That is definitely true, but sometimes, it wouldn't matter what everyones reactions where. I have seen some Mary Sues that are just... gah.

I read a book where, if a certain character (The main love interest) where to be any MORE of a Gary Sue, he would have been a sparkly vampire. Seriously. A magical knight, who happens to be kind, strong, the best swordsmen ever, always looks attractive, with absolutely no faults to speak of. It made me gag at how much the MC gushed over him. >.< She had like, 3 failed relationships, and then him, all in one book. Of course, the ONE guy that is actually a great, complex, interesting, witty, but faulted character in the whole book is the ONLY one she doesn't have a romantic relationship with.

Amelia, Y U NO PICK FINN?!

[Dr. Paine]

Amelia, Y U NO PICK FINN?!

Because Finn/Bubblegum Princess forever? /shot

[*~.Imagination.~*]

Haha! XD Different Finn, but still epic!