The Roleplay Academy's Class A (Novice)

[Cry of the Soul]

(I'll be gone Mon-Fri)

[mahouras.png]

Alice continued walking in the forest. Her stomach was rumbling, she didn´t ate since 2 days. She heard something... Some kind of small steps. A mouse! It could be her last meal in days, so her didn't thought about it twice. The mark in her wrist began to glow and she changed to her animal form. It was easier to follow the smell and the sound of the mouse. She was silent, and she was nearly catching it. She stretched her paw and catched it. She was so glad that she had something to eat. She changed to her hybrid form and began to run. She crashed with something, but she didn't saw it. She started to stand up and rubbed her head.

-Auch! Nyan...

She saw some hybrids there, she was very surprised.

-Gomenasai! I didn't meant to... Gomene, nyan.
She said that as she began to walk back slowly.

[Wolf'sflame]

Critique

Wolfie-kat

Ten lines, good job on length on that post! No spelling mistakes I can see either. You kept your character's personality as well and also showed some emotions to her. There is some punctuation problems thought.

1-Who she thought was her best friend avoiding her and was scared of her. 2-Telling her to get away from her while throwing things at Kia. Being chased. She looked up and tried to shake off her memories. "I'm Kia. 3-She introduced herself trying her best to smile.

1-This sentence could have a comma in between "friend" and "avoiding".

2- you could also add a comma to connect "Being chased" (which is a fragmentation) and "Telling her to get away from her while throwing things at Kai".

3. A comma between "herself" and "trying".

She introduced herself, trying her best to smile.

Other than that, it is very well done. Good job!

Whimsical Jukeboxx

Very good description, but you need to give your character thought and feelings. It's good to show how they think and feel about the situation, that is what you are mainly missing.

Songs of Broken

*skip*

Alice Everdeen

Good starter post... There is not spelling mistakes, which is very good.

1-Alice continued walking in the forest. 2-Her stomach was rumbling, she didn´t ate since 2 days. She heard something... 3- Some kind of small steps. A mouse! 4- It could be her last meal in days, so her didn't thought about it twice. The mark in her wrist began to glow and she changed to her animal form. It was easier to follow the smell and the sound of the mouse. She was silent, and she was nearly catching it. She stretched her paw and catched it. She was so glad that she had something to eat. She changed to her hybrid form and began to run. 5-She crashed with something, but she didn't saw it. She started to stand up and rubbed her head.

6- -Auch! Nyan...

7- She saw some hybrids there, she was very surprised.

-Gomenasai! I didn't meant to... Gomene, nyan.
8- She said that as she began to walk back slowly.

Let's start with 1, there is nothing wrong with this sentence, but you can expand on it. Like this: "Alice continued to wander through the forest bushes on the forest floor.

2: The sentence doesn't make sense "didn't" should be "hadn't". Her stomach was rumbling, she hadn't eaten in 2 days.

3:

3- Some kind of small steps. A mouse!

These are both fragmentation sentences. You could add more onto the first one and the second. Here's an example: Her sense of hearing caught the sound of small steps of some kind. Suddenly, she realized what it was; a mouse!

4: Another sentence that doesn't make sense.

It could be her last meal in days, so her didn't thought about it twice.

"thought" should be "think". Or change the rest of the sentence.

5- "Saw" should be "see" in that sentence.

6- You need quotation marks, this is a common mistake that can easily be corrected.

7-

She saw some hybrids there, she was very surprised.

Two things are wrong with this sentence. First, you should add some detail or (bracket the names) so we know who she bumped into.And second, add some more emotion. Like, "her eyes widened in surprise."

And 8: You should change "said" to something else. Like "whispered" or "spoke quietly".

[Wolf'sflame]

Jason changed his gaze from her scarred face to the basket before carefully putting his hand into the basket and pulling out a few. He hesitantly popped one in his mouth, hoping they weren't going to be too bitter. At least I know what kind they are, nice and harmless," he thought in his head. He relaxed a little bit when the berry juice filled his sense of taste, a nice and pleasant one. "These are really good!" he commented as he popped two more into his mouth I guess I can consider her an ally," he added to his thoughts, though the wondered if she was a shapeshifter like him. His stomach tightened as he thought about the possibility, 'If I'm wrong, she'll turn me in...' Betrayal was a terrible thing, he had learned that long ago. He then swallowed the berries in his mouth. He had to be brave on asking that important question. He then contradicted his previous thought, 'She wouldn't be just living in the forest if she weren't a shapeshifter...and those scars could be a clue too...' He shivered as the memory made it's dreadful appearance. Flames everywhere, screaming, crying, and being carried to safety, then the running before a loud BANG!
He shook it away then opened his mouth to speak, only for a quiet voice to appear, small enough to be one of a mouse if they had good enough vocal chords.
"Hey?..." he asked, halfway confused by the number of people we was meeting in the forest today.

[Wolfie-Kat]

Kia

Kia smiled at him and ate some more of the berries. "There are a lot in the forest at this time of the year." She told him while chewing a mouthful of the tangy berries. 'I wounder if I can trust him. No, probably not.' Kia thought. 'He would just run away and turn me in.' She concluded. 'I wounder if he trusts me. Nah.' She thought pushing those thoughts out of her head. 'Maybe he is one too.' She started to think of when she first saw him he might have had ears. She shook her head to get all of those thoughts out. 'No... Don't think of those things!' She told herself. She gasped a little when she realized that she was actually shaking her head. 'I probably look really stupid now!' She put a few more berries in her mouth hopping he didn't see her shaking her head. She heard Jason speak, and looked at him. "W-what did you say?" Kia asked him unsure of what he said just a moment ago. She hadn't heard him because she was zoning out in her own thoughts and he had spoken so tiny. 'I hope it wasn't anything important.' Kia thought.

[mahouras.png]

(Oh yeah! And she bumped into Kia. I am after who?)

[Wolf'sflame]

(please see the 1st post)

[Pinstriped Pirates]

J A I N

Jain lifted her head slightly as a bird flapped and landed in front of her. Isn't that the same bird I saw when that boy disapeered? She wondered for a moment. It couldn't be possible that there was someone like her. No, that's insane! Her thoughts were clearly proven wrong when she saw skin and fingers emerge from the bird; it shaped into a human. The boy was about her height now as an elk.
With a gasp, Jain felt her body start to shrink and grow and shrink in some place. This time, the transformation was less painful. Jain opened her eyes to see the boy.
The wind blew her hair lightly, caressed her cheek and left like a one time lover. The grass tickled her toes and shuffled inbetween them. Everytime she changed, she would lose her shoes and be barefoot when she changed back and have a brown tank top and short.
Jain chuckled lightly at the boy, then remembered why she had followed him. "You stole!" she chided quickly and harshly. With guily Jain stopped herself from shooting out another nasty comment. "Sorry. I-I am speechless. I never thought it was possible." With a burst of glee, she hugged the boy.

.:Neko:.
Neko stood rigid as the older girl hugged him, his tan face now slightly red. He gulped, slightly confused, yet inside he was overwhelmed that he had found another like him. "I never thought it was possible either," he said, finally managing to find his voice. He suddenly noticed that she had pointed out that he had stolen the pastry earlier. He didn't think anyone was watching him. "Er, yeah. I did steal..." he added honestly with a nervous grin.

[Cry of the Soul]

J A I N

She paused and saw his cheeks flush a wonderful color and Jain could tell he was ultimately embarrassed by her sudden joy. She pulled back and studied the boy. He was short and skinny. She wanted to badly ask how old he was, but that would be an invasion of space. His olive colored skin stood out to her and so did his pointed face. He was rather weird to look at; small with a unique skin tone. She took another step back and she felt a small spark of rage and he mentioned the pastry again. “You know it’s not right to steal! People work really hard just to make a living and you should live up to that factor!” Her long, curly brown-black hair landed over her shoulder as she shook her head in disbelief. With another glance at the boy, her cheeks started to flush. Her internal self told her that coming out rude was not one of the best ways to make friends.
Jain paused, observing his small, frail body and comparing it to hers. She was a bit stocky, but not overweight. “So, you turn into a falcon?” The words slipped off her tongue in a hurry, and she almost laughed. Falcons, to her, weren’t that menacing. Jain questioned her own animal as she though about Neko's falcon. Her elk was female, but she had antlers but in some cases females did have antlers. Maybe she had some of that blood in her, not like she would ever know. A stunning grey color caught her eyes beneath the boy’s mop of black hair. The dazzling color seemed to be his glowing, happy-go-lucky eyes. He was so lucky, having stunning eyes while she had a plain, sulky brown.
Guess I'll never be a true beauty, she thought coolly.

[Wolf'sflame]

Critique

Wolfie-kat

Still have fairly good spelling but need to work a little more on feelings of your character, but we have some grammar issues still.

She put a few more berries in her mouth hopping he didn't see her shaking her head.

1. you could put a comma between mouth and hoping.

Whimsical Jukeboxx

Pretty good, but you need to give your character thought and feelings. It's good to show how they think and feel about the situation, that is what you are mainly missing.
* you are still missing the thoughts, and also add some description too)

Songs of Broken

Amazing post! Very good length and grammar is very good. But you still need to add some more thoughts, the feelings is fairly good along with your description.

Alice Everdeen

*skip*