Private RP For Kayla, Kestral&Leo, and Stonefly

[Toxi+Bbun]

((Thank you! When do we start!))

((When Stonefly finishes.))

[Stonefly]

((Sorry that I am taking so long, Right nowI am really busy and I am unable to get on much))

[Toxi+Bbun]

((That's alright Stonefly, but we're going to start. Depending on how far we get, you can jump in.

Everybody else, we can start! Please post in the order that is listed on the front page.))

[Toxi+Bbun]

((bump))

[kaypatts]

Lakota

Lakota ran through the woods, her rainbow hair flowing with the wind. One of her bracelets fell off but she didn't care. She felt the hot sun burning her fur. She smiled as the birds chirped a song as she ran. She thought of the black wolf that was hunting her. "Why?" She thought. She heart his soft snarls in the background. She found a little cavern. She hid inside, hoping that the black wolf didn't see her. Sure enough the black wolf passed the cavern, clueless. She sighed with relief as she watched a white wolf attack the black wolf.

[.kestral]

Kade

Kade padded through the tree's silently. His deep amber eyes were glancing cautiously around him and he let out a quiet whimper as he stood on the fourth thorn in the last hour. He growled lightly before pulling it from his pawpad and throwing it aside. With a dark look at the thornbushes around him he set of running towards the edge of the tree's. After all, he wasn't welcome at home anymore.

[Toxi+Bbun]

Lakota walked through the shadows that hid her light.

((Hi! This sentence is a little choppy, I'd suggest the use of commas, like so:

Lakota walk through the shadows, hiding her light.

Or, change it into two sentences:

Lakota walked through the shadows. These shadows hid her light.

Secondly, your post lacks detail. I don't except an overwhelming amount, just enough to create a picture. Remember, we can't read you mind, so we have to know what you're imagining. To help with this, ask yourself some questions such as:
-Shadows of what?
-How dark are the shadows?
-What time of day is it?
-Where is Lakota?
-What light? It isn't mentioned in her form.

Soon, descriptiveness will just come naturally. Just keep working at it!

Finally, we are going to be working on post length. At this point, I am going to require a three -good- sentence minimum, excluding dialogue.

Kade

Kade padded through the tree's silently. His deep amber eyes were glancing cautiously around him and he let out a quiet whimper as he stood on the fourth thorn in the last hour. He growled lightly before pulling it from his pawpad and throwing it aside. With a dark look at the thornbushes around him he set of running towards the edge of the tree's. After all, he wasn't welcome at home anymore.

Very good! The fixes I have for you are mainly just grammar/flow issues. They are in bold.

Kade

Kade silently padded through the trees. His deep amber eyes glanced cautiously around him. He let out a quiet whimper as he stepped on the fourth thorn in the last hour. He growled lightly before pulling it from his pawpad and throwing it aside. With a dark look at the thornbushes around him he set off running towards the edge of the trees. After all, he wasn't welcome at home anymore.

I edited a few things to keep it consistent throughout the paragraph. If you don't understand why I corrected something, please PM me. c;))

[kaypatts]

Lakota walked through the shadows that hid her light.

((Hi! This sentence is a little choppy, I'd suggest the use of commas, like so:

Lakota walk through the shadows, hiding her light.

Or, change it into two sentences:

Lakota walked through the shadows. These shadows hid her light.

Secondly, your post lacks detail. I don't except an overwhelming amount, just enough to create a picture. Remember, we can't read you mind, so we have to know what you're imagining. To help with this, ask yourself some questions such as:
-Shadows of what?
-How dark are the shadows?
-What time of day is it?
-Where is Lakota?
-What light? It isn't mentioned in her form.

Soon, descriptiveness will just come naturally. Just keep working at it!

Finally, we are going to be working on post length. At this point, I am going to require a three -good- sentence minimum, excluding dialogue.

Kade

Kade padded through the tree's silently. His deep amber eyes were glancing cautiously around him and he let out a quiet whimper as he stood on the fourth thorn in the last hour. He growled lightly before pulling it from his pawpad and throwing it aside. With a dark look at the thornbushes around him he set of running towards the edge of the tree's. After all, he wasn't welcome at home anymore.

Very good! The fixes I have for you are mainly just grammar/flow issues. They are in bold.

Kade

Kade silently padded through the trees. His deep amber eyes glanced cautiously around him. He let out a quiet whimper as he stepped on the fourth thorn in the last hour. He growled lightly before pulling it from his pawpad and throwing it aside. With a dark look at the thornbushes around him he set off running towards the edge of the trees. After all, he wasn't welcome at home anymore.

I edited a few things to keep it consistent throughout the paragraph. If you don't understand why I corrected something, please PM me. c;))

I Edited my post

[Toxi+Bbun]

((I don't need to approve your every post, just use my critiques for future reference. Please continue on with the RP.))

[.kestral]

(Bump.)