The Roleplay Academy's Class A (Novice)

[Wolf'sflame]

Jason's attention turned from the house to the where the feminine voice appeared, his ears pricked in alert. It was true that somebody had to make this, but he wasn't expecting to see anybody actually there. "Maybe it's whoever makes this thier home, I wonder why they don't live in the town.." His visible fox ears twitched as he looked over the place. He then began to look over it, circling it until he saw a girl. He looked at her with emerald green eyes as he looked over her features. She was pretty, escpecially with her long hair and thin figure, but he also instantly saw that the scars that looked like burns on her face; something had happened to her. He then remembered what form he was in. He took a deep breath and slowly the ears slipped back into his hair and vanished along with his grey hair colour being replaced with a nice black. "Hopefully, she didn't see that, the last thing I want is to get chased around for a second time..." Jason thought wondering what to do. He made his desision quitely enough and aproached her, "Hey, what are you doing in the middle of a forest?" He thought it would be okay to approach her, since she lived in the forest and also he could maybe gai nher trust.

[Wolf'sflame]

(Woodstock, please wait for your turn next time, this is practice by taking turns...So I guess your turn will most likely be skipped and jump to Songs of Broken)

Critique

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Brightpaw

Very well done! 16 lines even! There were no spelling or grammar issues. Though I think we need to see some of her thoughts.This is still very good! Keep it up!

Wolfie-kat

Really good 2nd post! You added thought this time, which is deffinately a good thing. There were also some feels and little bit of detail, this also couldv'e been longer but it honestly looks very good. Maybe you could explain why she's scared. But I think you it would help if you used quotation marks with thoughts. That's what I do, but I don't think it's mandatory.

Woodstock

First of all, this is a practice rp where we are learning, so taking turns is part of it. So I think it's only fair if you skip your next turn, since you took yours out of turn.

The post was quite good. NO spelling but a common grammar mistake, that actually drives my English teacher up the wall, you cannot use "And" or "But" to start a sentence. You also still should add thought.

Songs of Broken

Litle grammar and no spelling mistakes along with very good length, great job! We even have thoughts this time.

It gave off a pleasent flavor. She could eat here forever.

This is the problem when it comes to fragmentation, but this can be easily fixed. Just put a comma instead of a period.

[Brightpaw]

Oceane Dupont

"Oh no, they've found me. This is it, the end of everything I've worked for..." Oceane thought, her pulse racing as she stared in horror at the jaws below her. She heard a crashing, trampling noise; undoubtedly that of a human. She inched further along the branch, gripping the rough bark with her fingers. If she could just reach the next tree along... There was an eerie groan, and the branch she was crouched on shuddered and crashed to the ground.

Oceane felt the breath knocked out of her as she hit the hard ground with a loud "thump". She felt hot, stinking breath on her face, and the wet nose of a dog sniffing her face. Loud, human voices pierced her thoughts and she felt herself being hauled to her feet. A face pressed close to hers, the human glaring at her intensely. With a feeling of horror filling her heart, she realised he was staring at the canines and ears of a tiger. Uh oh...

Oceane let an ear-splitting scream leave her jaws as she felt icy pain, cold and all-consuming, drive through her veins. She looked down with horrified eyes to see a needle protruding out of her upper arm. She felt the world spin around her, the trees becoming a blur of colours as she fell to the ground with a dead crash.

[Wolfie-Kat]

Kia

"Um, well..." Kia started to answer. "It would sound ridiculous if I told him that he is standing in front of my home" she thought. "But I am the worst lair in the universe. He would probably see right through me... It might be better just to tell him that I live there." She sighed thinking to herself. "I was just coming home." She whispered her green eyes looking from him to the green grass. "Who are you?" She asked quietly, still not looking up. She was so embarrassed. "He probably thinks I'm really weird! And I've only known him for a few minutes." She thought to herself. Kia had seen something on the boy's head, just before he had asked her that question. "He can't be like me... No way." She thought turning away the thought that those might have been ears on his head. "But what did I see on top of his head... Are there really others like me?"

[Cry of the Soul]

J A I N

Jain lifted her head slightly as a bird flapped and landed in front of her. Isn't that the same bird I saw when that boy disapeered? She wondered for a moment. It couldn't be possible that there was someone like her. No, that's insane! Her thoughts were clearly proven wrong when she saw skin and fingers emerge from the bird; it shaped into a human. The boy was about her height now as an elk.
With a gasp, Jain felt her body start to shrink and grow and shrink in some place. This time, the transformation was less painful. Jain opened her eyes to see the boy.
The wind blew her hair lightly, caressed her cheek and left like a one time lover. The grass tickled her toes and shuffled inbetween them. Everytime she changed, she would lose her shoes and be barefoot when she changed back and have a brown tank top and short.
Jain chuckled lightly at the boy, then remembered why she had followed him. "You stole!" she chided quickly and harshly. With guily Jain stopped herself from shooting out another nasty comment. "Sorry. I-I am speechless. I never thought it was possible." With a burst of glee, she hugged the boy.

[Wolf'sflame]

Critique

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Brightpaw

Great job! I saw some good fluidity there along with a clean connection with both thoughts, details, and proper grammar and spelling! Keep that up! Also make sure, after this little event, that there is a way for someone to have the importunity to rp with her.

Wolfie-kat

Another good post, but we really need to work on the length. The rest is pretty good as well. I'd say some more of her feelings of nervousness and reasons behind her actions should help you out, it's good to get into your character's situation to see how it feels; but that's how I do it usually.

Woodstock

First of all, this is a practice rp where we are learning, so taking turns is part of it. So I think it's only fair if you skip your next turn, since you took yours out of turn.

The post was quite good. NO spelling but a common grammar mistakes. Althought, the starting of the sentence shouldn't be "But' or And", you have to remember that. The only exception is dialogue. I've seen it a few times on your posts too. Try to either cut out the And and But or just branch it to another sentence.

(There may be something on the class notes about this...)

Songs of Broken

Litle grammar and some spelling mistakes along with fairly good, great job! I like how you explained it, but you can also explain reasons and also work on the feelings part. It is also good to use a spelling check program before posting, but that it entirely up to you. Keep of the good work!

[Wolf'sflame]

Jason looked over the girl again before looking over at the shabby looking structure, a little stunned. "Really!? W-Why??" he spoke, all he could say in such shock. It brought up memories, that little home. He had made something like this when he was little, when nobody would play with him because of who strange he was. He had never understood why every adult shunned him and protected their children from him like he was a monster. He shook his head, his black hair lifting a little before he stopped, messing it up as well. He then spoke again, "S-sorry about that.. It looked pretty cool actually. I just didn't expect somebody like you to be living in it. By the way, I'm Jason Revian. Can I ask who you are?" In his mind, he was trying to think of a reason for her to be living in such a place, she should be at her home in town with a family right now, not here in the forest where anything could hurt her. He admired her if she had been surviving for a number of years like this thought, he had barely survived his first year alone; it was a good thing he had the guts to continue instead of lying down and giving up. Then it hit him, "Could it be!?....No, that can't be! Nobody's like me.... But still, if she is, I want to know..."

[Wolf'sflame]

(due to life, Brightpaw has quit the class, Wolfie-kat, it is your turn now...)

[Wolfie-Kat]

Kia smiled awkawardly, "No it's fine. I would wonder myself if I were you!" she gave a little chuckle. "I guess it is because I'm a bit different from everyone... Weird." She looked down at the green grass sadly and shuffled her feet a little. 'Should I tell him..? She asked herself. 'No.' She thought 'You never know what may happen when you tell.' She decided, suddenly memories flooded upon her of the times she had with her one friend... and when her 'friend' had found out. Kia clenched her fists a little as the memories of betraying came to her. Who she thought was her best friend avoiding her and was scared of her. Telling her to get away from her while throwing things at Kia. Being chased. She looked up and tried to shake off her memories. "I'm Kia. She introduced herself trying her best to smile. She stepped around the boy, Jason, and sat down by her house. She put her little bag inside and slipped off her old jacket. "I-I've collected some berries," Kia grabbed a small leaf basket. She plopped a few oval, red berries in her mouth and bit down on the tangy, sweet-n-sour berry. "D-Do you want any?" She offered shyly, holding out the tiny hand woven leaf basket containing the berries.

[Wolf'sflame]

(Okay, I'm going to do role-call again....)