RP School thread -Closed-

[ωιитєяfℓу]

Welcome to your novice RP thread! My name is Unknown Child and I will be your proctor. Together we shall battle the forces of bad grammar and miss-spelt words and come out triumphant so that you may pass your novice test thread with flying colours!

The courses here at the RP school are made to improve your roleplay and overall writing skills, and we will be preparing you not only for RPing on CS, but also on actual RP sites.

Also, please keep in mind that you are more than welcome to quit at any time, but please tell your proctor before you do so. If your proctor becomes inactive, please PM McRadik letting her know so.

Goals for this Level;
•Character depth and insight
•Grammar and Spelling
•Fluidity
•Avoidance of Gary/Mary Sues and power playing/godmodding
•Turn Taking
•Post Length

This Thread was Created for…
•forever~blue
•Jenjo
•lil8765
This is a closed thread! If you would like a thread of your own like this, please apply at The RP School if it is open. If it is not, please bookmark it and wait until it has opened once more.

Creating Your Character;
As was previously mentioned, one of the aims of this level is to teach you to consider every aspect of your character, thus creating a well-developed character who has some sustenance to him or her. To begin with this, we at the RP School have created a basic outline that you may expand on (but not subtract from).

Code: Select all

[b]Name:[/b]
[b]Gender:[/b]
[b]Age:[/b]
[b]Ethnicity:[/b]

[b]Hair colour:[/b]
[b]Eye colour:[/b]
[b]Skin colour:[/b]
[b]Special Markings (tattoos, scars, etc):[/b]
[b]Height:[/b]
[b]Clothing style:[/b]
[b]Hairstyle:[/b]
[b]Frame:[/b]

[b]History:[/b]   

[b]Personality:[/b]

[b]Likes:[/b]
[b]Dislikes:[/b]

[b]Strengths:[/b]
[b]Weaknesses:[/b]

[b]Greatest Fear:[/b]
[b]Greatest Desire:[/b]

[b]Goals in life:[/b]

[b]What Does He/She Regret:[/b]
[b]What is He/She Proud of:[/b]

[b]Family life:[/b]

[b]Difference:[/b]

[b]Other:[/b]

Upon Acceptance
When your character is reviewed by your proctor and deemed worthy, you may proceed to roleplay. Please keep in mind that we are training you for role play sites as well as those rp threads here on CS, so we will be doing this in a turn-based fashion. Do not step out of turn.

Turns
forever~blue > Jenjo > lil8765 > Unknown Child

Once the proctor has posted, you may start from the beginning.
A proctor may post before their turn, only if post they are replying to requires immediate attention. (A student has powerplayed or godmodded)

Remember;
• When your proctor posts, it will be in this colour. Please keep your posts in black.
• When you are talking out of character (which shouldn’t happen often), always write in between double parenthesis.
• Use quotation marks! Also, you may wish to bold everything in quotation marks, as this makes it easier to distinguish talking from everything else.

Roleplay;
Okay! You have all chosen to do a fantasy roleplay, and that is what we will be focusing on. To start you on your roleplay adventure, the proctor has written up a short prompt. Please continue with it, keeping in mind everything that is included in it.

Prompt;
You've known that you were different for a long time - whether you have wings or can control the elements, or can even handle basic magic - and no one else knows. Until that freak storm a month ago, and everyone different got revealed to the world. You've been thrown in with two other people, being branded a freak, and now you've got to figure out what to do. Will you stay with these two other people, or go off by yourself? It's up to you.

For your convenience, all character bios will be reposted here;

INSERT BIO 1

INSERT BIO 2

INSERT BIO 3

[passion.]

Name:
Shay Lynn Cassidy
Gender:
Female
Age:
Seventeen
Ethnicity:
White | Slightly Asian

Hair colour:
Dark auburn
Eye colour:
Light gray then turns to a deep gray at night.
Shay has a junk DNA cord that makes her eyes turn darker gray when the day turns to night.
Skin colour:
Tanned, but not too tanned
Special Markings (tattoos, scars, etc):
She has a tattoo of the bible verse, Johns 3:16
" 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. "
She has this tattoo on her right side. She got it to remind herself that no matter what happens, it will always get batter. It also reminds her a bit of her past. (See history)
Also, from her past, she has scars all along her arms from her fathers abuse. (See history)
Height:
About 5' 7
Clothing style:
[*][*]
Shay tends to wear casual clothes. She's not one to dress to her highest extent. She seems to be the Barbie type girl. But, she is cool and layed back with her clothing pickings.
Hairstyle:
Usually it's in a down do and she wears it silky, long, and shiny and washes it daily. She never goes to bed with out a proper wash as her hair will get oily and greasy.
Frame:
Well built with string arms and legs. She worked out by surfing and swimming when she was younger, then continued the work out by doing track.

History:   
  "History is something I hate to talk about. It was a sunny day with the birds chirruping happily outside and the flowers in full bloom. It was a beautiful spring day, almost the end of the wonderful season, when Kristi Cassidy, my faithful mother, died, giving birth to me. A huge blood loss was the reason of her untimely death.
My father, greedy and rude, was infuriated, but also so deeply sorrowed. He couldn't bare to depart with my mother. From the moment I let out a sharp cry, he hated me.
The doctors did all they could to save my mother, but it was too late. Her hands went deathly cold and her eyes shut for the last time. The light of the soul of my lively mother went out forever. I grew up by myself, due to my fathers disgrace towards me. I didn't blame him. It was hard to deal with my mothers death, and never once seeing her kind, gentle face, was hard for me too.
He acted like I was a nobody. Like I was invisible. I didn't mind that either. It was peaceful, and I was independent. Until the nights where he was drunk. He would drink his insides out until he threw the bottle to the ground and blacked out. It was horrifying. He would whip me and beat me until I cried for mercy. I have the scars still, and could show you. They criss cross my arms like a constant reminder of my past. It was only when he died of too much alcohol in his system that I could actually be at peace."

Personality:
  "I am a firecracker of emotions that will change at any given moment. Unlike the Bi Polar children, my moods change accordingly to the time it is set. I know the time and feel exactly when it will explode into rash violence, or turn into a giddy butterfly. My main three emotions are hard to take in. They can be the worst...for me. Although, I have very minor emotions also that pop up unexpectedly...well about unexpected as it can get for me, because I know when my mood will change and only sometimes to what it is.
The giddy mood is my most popular and famous mood. In this mood I become a fireball that dashes to one center of the world to the other--Not litterally c'mon!-- with so much energy I can barely understand. It takes abotu five seconds for my giddy mood to kick in and before it does, most likely I will get a bubbe of happiness blurry through me. 
So, i guess all you guys HAVE to know, i am a huge flirt. Yes, yes, even girls have to be. I can flirt with a bunch of guys, and maybe even one of the fall hard for me. But please, don't get jealous, that's just stupid! I'm flirting, not falling for them! Get used to it! 
Though this mood is very favorable to myself, because I will most likely lose the friends I had made in that short amount of time due to the next mood change that might happen.
The quiet mode is the mood I obtain most of my for writing. I have enough quiet and serenity to get all the possible styles of poetry or novels I make in this time. This is my personal best for myself, because it gives me time to be...peaceful. 
When I get to the quiet stage however, what happens before that to signal what emotion I will have before I have it is a stab of utter pain. It peirces my stomach and makes me want to gag. It lasts for about sixty seconds before it dies and I become quiet. During this stage, if I were just in the 'giddy OMIGOSH' stage then I abandon the companions I had been around, but if it were the alternative and I had been in the outraged stage....I will break down and cry, possibly losing a chunk of my time to write before my mood would change.
The outraged stage I can go anywhere from yelling and screaming like a child who didn't get their way or chunking a chair in your direction. Before this stage I always get a thing on my mind to be mad about, even if I shouldn't be upset about it. Then I will start trembling and shaking all over before the mood hits me. I will then began to yell at first at anyone in ear shot.
 Usually before it ends I end up doing something truly bad even if it were jsut the yelling thickness. It would depend on how thick the anger truly is. Afterword, before my mood changes, I would drop down on the ground and go into utter shock where I am unable to move my body and I am almost paralized from doing anything. Even breathing. 
As stated above, I have other 'stages' or moods that I go through throughout the day, but I can't record ALL of them, so the major ones are stated from my experience of life. So, I guess I have a lot of moods. But it's puberty. Get with it."

Likes:
✘ Snow Leopards
They are fluffy, cute, and she loves them for their agility and strength
✘ Laughing
It's a great way to work off stress
✘ Guys
They are hot!! And who doesn't?
✘ Paris
It's true. It's cencerly the City of Love
✘ Dancing, Singing, Acting
She's good at all of them
✘ Music
She expressess herself through the music she listens too
✘ Summer
It's a great time for Shay to be crazy!

Dislikes:
✘ Being Alone
It's not fun...
✘ Spiders and other six leggers
They are HIDEOUS
✘ Snobs
They are so meeeean
✘ Thrift Stores
They never have anything good...

Strengths:
Her strengths are swimming, running, and surfingand am manipulating people
Weaknesses:
Her Weaknessess are being alone, crying, and uh, that's it.

Greatest Fear:
Cockroaches **shudder**
Greatest Desire:
To have a million dollars to shop :3

Goals in life:
To become known for her singing and acting skills

What Does He/She Regret:
Sometimes, ever being born. But that's rare that she thinks that.
What is He/She Proud of:
Of living through the terrible era of her father.

Family life:
"Um. So you mean, what's it like? Well, not much. It's all in my history"

Other:
She has a pet kitty named Hiro

[vampir3d]

Name:
Lucy Anne Ross.
Gender:
Female
Age:
Sixteen.
Ethnicity:
White.
Hair colour:
She has curly blonde hair with darker and lighter streaks.
Eye colour:
A light blue with a hint of green.
Skin colour:
She is slightly tanned.
Special Markings (tattoos, scars, etc):
She has a birthmark on her arm in the shape of a circle.
Height:
About 5'3
Clothing style:
She doesn't have a particular style, and is always creative in what she wears. She never wears trousers, but doesn't like skirts that show her knees so she normally wears a long skirt (occasionally) or a dress.
Hairstyle:
She likes having her hair down and falling over her face hiding her.
Frame:
She is a bit shy and quiet and not very well built she is very thin but her arms and legs are weak.
Personality
She is shy and hardly stands up for herself, she just puts her head down and doesn't have a temper. She hates having to be in front of an audience and gets awful stage fright, but it was always her dream to perform in a play. She can normally be found hiding away from the world writing or reading in the basement or some where no one knows. She hates being the center of attention and blushes madly, which does not help at all. She has to admit she is a bit of a cry baby and never fits in to anywhere. She has a few people she hangs around with but she still feels left out. She doesn't have a best friend, and to be her best friend you would need a lot of encouraging because she doesn't unlock easily.
History:Lucy hates talking about her history,it scares her. When she was a baby her parents both died in a car crash leaving her as an orphan because she had no known living relatives. Then when she was three someone adopted her,so luckily she doesn't
remember not having parents.
Likes:[b]
-Girly stuff.
-Boys.
-Fashion.
-Shopping.
-Being in her own little world.
-Making stories and art.
[b]Dislikes:
-Performing in front of people
-Having no best friend.
-insects
-Rain
-having nothing to do.
-Cars-Because of what happened to er parents. (Note: She can still ride in cars but she hates riding in them.)
Strengths:
She is shy but clever and is good at literacy and arts and crafts.
Weaknesses:
She is as shy as a mouse, or so everyone says.
Greatest Fear:
Cars-since her parents died she is scared stiff when she rides in one
Greatest Desire:
To be in a play- but she gets awful stage fright.
Goals in life:
To write a book and have that become a play or movie.
What Does He/She Regret:
Never being able to say goodbye to her parents- But there is no way she can change that.
What is He/She Proud of:
Her art and stories she has wrote/created over the years.
Family life:
She now lives with Aunt Rose and Uncle Bob, they aren't her real aunt and uncle but her step parents. They are sweet and protective but are always busy with there work as artists.
Other: For some reason the last part of the ref. sheet didn't come up on my computer at first, sorry for the wait....)

[Jenjo]

Name:
Gale Lark.
Gender:
Male.
Age:
Seventeen.
Ethnicity:
White.

Hair colour:
His hair is bronze, with natural blonde tones. It falls in slight waves to just past his ears, usually flicking about at stubborn angles. It's usually kept rather clean, and usually has a slight sheen, but it's impossible to tame the stubborn strands.
Eye colour:
Gale has sea-like eyes; a mixture of seaweed-green and ocean-blue. Mainly, though, they are blue and only slightly tinged green. In the light, these green flecks are more obvious, although at first glance his eyes seem to be simply blue.
Skin colour:
His skin is naturally quite pale, but he tans easily and quickly, although he does not burn. He has freckles that are close to his tanned skin tone that splatter across his face, particularly across his nose and cheekbones.
Special Markings (tattoos, scars, etc):
He does have a small birthmark just below his right index finger, but it blends so well into his skin tone that it is often disregarded.
Height:
Gale stands rather tall, almost (if not clearing) six foot, with long limbs and a firm structure.
Clothing style:
He likes to keep it simple. Usually he wears a loose shirt and trousers (he prefers cropped trousers or surfer trunks over regular trousers, though) and scruffy shoes. He doesn't like standing out from the crowd, and this is reflected in his plain clothing style.
Hairstyle:
Gale has wavy, bronze hair, flicking in and out at stubborn angles with a middle parting. His hair is quite thick, too, and stays pretty much the same color year-round despite the sun. He inherits this dark hair from his mother.
Frame:
He is muscular, but not ridiculously so. Gale's broad-shouldered and firm with long legs and strong arms. Toned, shall we say.

History:
Gale has had a rather uneventful history, mainly. He grew up along the coast with his dad, Finn, when his mother seemingly abandoned them; she was apparently a very reckless, forward woman. His dad was a fisherman, and by the time Gale could stand, he was holding a fishing rod and spear: he treated this as a privilege and inherited the natural-born fisherman trait from his father. He went to a nearby school, but he hated it beyond measure, but never complained. His family were not poor, and they always scraped by, but they didn't have everlasting stocks of anything. Being able to go to school was supposed to be a joy, a privilege, but Gale was miserable: as a child, he was cute, but he was always bullied for some reason or other. Over time, Finn saw how miserable he was, despite Gale's constant reassuring. Finn home-schooled his only son since Gale was about twelve years old. Gale became very independent as time went on, though he never declined his father's help when he offered. Gale refused to trust most people, even when he grew up into a teenager, and had a tendency to push people away. He had a handful of friends, and probably would have been more 'popular' had he trusted easier - but he didn't.

Personality:
To say the least, Gale is very mistrusting and tends to keep clear of most people; this is most likely because he feels his mother betrayed his family when she fled from being a parent. Usually he blocks most people out, but once he becomes close to somebody he becomes unswervingly loyal to them. All the same, he makes his voice heard when he wants it to be heard, which happens occasionally. He can be a very funny, friendly guy when he wants to be, and is usually happiest when he's in some body of water. Gale, unfortunately, has two sides; a very reasonable, sweet side, and a very short-tempered, impatient side. His sweet, reasonable side rarely appears fully; usually he pretends he doesn't care about most things, when, in actual fact, he cares very dearly. His short-tempered, impatient side is Gale at his worst. One of Gale's biggest flaws is that his temper happens to have a very short fuse, supposedly like his mother. When he gets angry, Gale tends to yell, but he never throws anything, nor does he kick, punch or physically show his fury. His tongue is sharp, and he can spit some rather spiteful insults out when he's angry. In most scenarios, Gale is usually at least a little impatient. His impatient trait clearly doesn't go well with his short temper. However, despite all of this, Gale is a fairly sweet, caring guy if he opens up to you. He can have his bad days, but he feels guilt very easily and usually ends up apologizing sincerely as soon as possible.

Likes:
The ocean and coastline
because he's grown up along the coast and any beach is home to him.
Rain
because he likes the sound, plus he thinks it's actually rather pretty to watch, in most cases.
Sunshine
so long as the heat is not intense.
Water sports
fishing, swimming and surfing in particular, although he enjoys various others.
Running
because he likes the adrenaline and the speed.
Big cats
particularly snow leopards, cheetahs and tigers. He likes them for the stealth and speed.
Dogs
although he never actually owned a dog himself, Gale occasionally fed scraps to strays. His favorite breeds are huskies, german shepherds and labs.
Dislikes:
Girly girls
because he simply can't stand at least the majority of them. When he's at the beach, he sees some of them looking him up, but he's not interested in girls like that.
Staying still for too long
because of his impatient trait. Gale likes to be moving around most of the time.
Cars
for no reason in particular. He simply doesn't like them, although he's capable of riding in one; he just prefers getting to places by other means of transport (by foot, bicycle, motorbike or boat).
Crows and ravens
because they freak him out, as most creepy black birds tend to. He doesn't mind birds of prey of small birds, it's just crows and ravens, mainly.
Fog
particularly when it's dense fog. He doesn't mind mist so much, but fog makes it difficult to see things clearly, and Gale always likes to know where he's walking.
Wasps and bees
because he had a rather nasty incident when he was a young boy; he accidentally disturbed a bee hive and got a lot of stings when the bees swarmed after him. As a result, he dislikes wasps too, and bees and wasps are quite similar in his eyes.
Long periods of snow
although he doesn't mind it for a few days, while it's still actual snow and not just slush.
Prats, jerks and snobs
and horrible people in general.

Strengths:
Gale is fairly strong and firm, and is usually good in hand-to-hand combat. He's a particularly strong swimmer and runner though, and a good surfer.
Weaknesses:
He doesn't like people to know he has weaknesses in the first place. Admittedly though, he can become very overly protective of people, but at the same time he struggles to put his trust in others. His sharp tongue, impatience and short temper can cause problems, to say the least. Gale is the 'crow of the choir'; he's a useless singer. His handwriting isn't the best and sometimes he struggles to put exactly what he wants to say into words.

Greatest Fear:
The thought of drowning terrifies him.
Greatest Desire:
He wants to actually meet his mother, even though he knows she's most likely a horrible person for abandoning his family.

Goals in life:
Gale wants to see the world - he hasn't travelled much.

What Does He Regret:
He regrets locking people out and away from him - maybe he could have been very good friends with some of the people he met.
What is He Proud of:
If there's something Gale's proud of, it's building a good relationship with his dad and building a good, sustaining life despite the ups and downs.

Family life:
He lives with only his father. With a mother that ditched them before he was even a year old and no other siblings, life was rather lonely for the pair. Gale has no aunts, uncles, grandparents, or even distant relatives; Finn is his only relative, asides from his mother, who may or not be alive for all he knows.

Difference:

Other:
I left the difference space blank because I'm not sure what to put >< Sorry for the ridiculous wait, my connection has been awfully glitchy..

[ωιитєяfℓу]

((Sorry I haven't got round to it yet, I've been ill this week.))

@forever~blue - Please don't be offended, I'm just being picky. XD

Hair colour:
Dark auburn or dark brown

What do you mean dark auburn or dark brown? Could you possibly put it in a way that it makes it appear a dark brown when actually it's a dark auburn? It doesn't make too much sense the way you have it now. Plus you have used capital letters in the middle of the sentence, try to remember that when you create your forms.

Eye colour:
Light gray then turns to a deep gray at night

What makes her eyes go darker at night? Usually the colour of someone's eyes stay the same throughout the day - maybe she has a junk DNA strand that makes her eyes change? It doesn't particularly make much sense either - you have used then in the wrong place. Consider changing it to that instead, it's the correct word to use in this context and it makes the sentence flow easily.

Special Markings (tattoos, scars, etc):
She has a tattoo of the bible verse, Johns 3:16
" 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. "

Where exactly does she have this tattoo? And why does she have it? It would be best if you explain it, or put see history in parenthesis if it relates to the history.

Clothing style:
[*][*]

As much as those pictures are appropriate, would you mind adding a description of what she usually wears? Something like:

Shay tends to wear casual clothes, preferring that to the high-maintenance plastic look that most girls go for - but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to look good, it just means that she's happy with the way she looks...

And so on. Of course, I probably don't have her personality down because she's your character, and it would be nice if we had a written description due to not roleplaying with her yet. About a small paragraph will do, three-four sentences, please and thank you.

Hairstyle:
Usually it's in a down do. She wears it silky, long, and shiny. Washes it daily. She never goes to bed with out a proper wash. Or else her hair will get oily and greasy.

It's pretty choppy here, try linking the sentences using connectives so that it flows better.

Usually Shay keeps it in a down do, wearing it silky, long, and shiny. She washes it daily and never never goes to bed with out a proper wash as her hair will get oily and greasy.

See what I've done there? It doesn't sound quite so choppy as it did before. Something like that will do, but, of course, it's your character so it's up to you.

History:   
  "History is something I hate to talk about. It was a sunny day with the birds chirruping happily outside and the flowers in full bloom. It was a beautiful spring day, almost the end of the wonderful season, when Kristi Cassidy, my faithful mother, died, giving birth to me. A huge blood loss was the reason of her untimely death.
My father, greedy and rude, was infuriated, but also so deeply sorrowed. He couldn't bare to depart with my mother. From the moment I let out a sharp cry, he hated me.
The doctors did all they could to save my mother, but it was too late. Her hands went deathly cold and her eyes shut for the last time. The light of the soul of my lively mother went out forever. I grew up by myself, due to my fathers disgrace towards me. I didn't blame him. It was hard to deal with my mothers death, and never once seeing her kind, gentle face, was hard for me too.
He acted like I was a nobody. Like I was invisible. I didn't mind that either. It was peaceful, and I was independent. Until the nights where he was drunk. He would drink his insides out until he threw the bottle to the ground and blacked out. It was horrifying. He would whip me and beat me until I cried for mercy. I have the scars still, and could show you. They criss cross my arms like a constant reminder of my past. It was only when he died of too much alcohol in his system that I could actually be at peace."

Generally, this is a good history. It's well written and it explains everything, but it's written in first person compared to most of the rest of the form which is in third. If you change it to third (which doesn't seem that difficult) then it would be brilliant. There is also a small typo error near the bottom (see the purple for where it is and what it should be), but don't worry too much about them - everyone does them at some point. To stop them from happening, however, remember to check over your form/post before you click submit. There is also, the second purple writing, a small detail that probably should have been put into the Special Markings part. Please mention them in the section mentioned as it helps build up her character.

Plus, please add how long it has been since her dad died and what she's doing now to the history.

Personality:
"I am a firecracker of emotions that will change at any given moment. Unlike the Bi Polar children, my moods change accordingly to the time it is set. I know the time and feel exactly when it will explode into rash violence, or turn into a giddy butterfly. My main three emotions are hard to take in. They can be the worst...for me. Although, I have very minor emotions also that pop up unexpectedly...well about unexpected as it can get for me, because I know when my mood will change and only sometimes to what it is.
The giddy mood is my most popular and famous mood. In this mood I become a fireball that dashes to one center of the world to the other--Not 1) literally c'mon!-- with so much energy I can barely understand. It takes 2) about five seconds for my giddy mood to kick in and before it does, most likely I will get a 3) bubbe of happiness blurry through me. 
So, 4) I guess all you guys HAVE to know, 4) I am a huge flirt. Yes, yes, even girls have to be. I can flirt with a bunch of guys, and maybe even one of the fall hard for me. But please, don't get jealous, that's just stupid! I'm flirting, not falling for them! Get used to it! 
Though this mood is very favorable to myself, because I will most likely lose the friends I had made in that short amount of time due to the next mood change that might happen.
5) The quiet mode is the mood I obtain most of my for writing. I have enough quiet and serenity to get all the possible styles of poetry or novels I make in this time. This is my personal best for myself, because it gives me time to be...peaceful. 
When I get to the quiet stage however, what happens before that to signal what emotion I will have before I have it is a stab of utter pain. It 6) pierces my stomach and makes me want to gag. It lasts for about sixty seconds before it dies and I become quiet. During this stage, if I were just in the 'giddy OMIGOSH' stage then I abandon the companions I had been around, but if it were the alternative and I had been in the outraged stage....I will break down and cry, possibly losing a chunk of my time to write before my mood would change.
The outraged stage I can go anywhere from yelling and screaming like a child who didn't get their way or chunking a chair in your direction. Before this stage I always get a thing on my mind to be mad about, even if I shouldn't be upset about it. Then I will start trembling and shaking all over before the mood hits me. I will then began to yell at first at anyone in ear shot.
 Usually before it ends I end up doing something truly bad even if it were 7) just 8) the yelling thickness. It would depend on how thick the anger truly is. 9) Afterwards, before my mood changes, I would drop down on the ground and go into utter shock where I am unable to move my body and I am almost 10) paralyzed from doing anything. Even breathing. 
As stated above, I have other 'stages' or moods that I go through throughout the day, but I can't record ALL of them, so the major ones are stated from my experience of life. So, I guess I have a lot of moods. But it's puberty. Get with it."

As personalities go, Shay has an incredibly complex one. Like the history, it is well written, but as the rest of the form is in third it would be best to change the person that it's written in. There are some other things that have purple writing, and I thought it would be best to number them so that you know which one I am referring to.

1) Try and spell check your forms and posts before you click submit, as this is only one spelling error in hundreds of words it's okay.
2) Again, I'm guessing typos because only a couple of letters were in the wrong places - as suggested before, check your post before you submit it to avoid them.
3) This sentence makes little to no sense, it links sort of to the few sentences afterwards, but to be honest I can't understand what it means. Do you think that you could change it so that we can understand what it says? Please and thank you.
4) Small grammar things here, capitalisation for "I", but as you will hopefully change it to third person it may not matter at all.
5) This part doesn't make sense either, please look at three for what to do.
6) Slight spelling error here - i before e except after c. That's the way I remember it. Feel free to type parts of your form/post into a Word document it and spell check it.
7) Please, check two since it's pretty much exactly the same.
8) This doesn't make too much sense either - I'm really not sure what you mean. Could you go back and change it? Sorry.
9) Spelling again, it's spelt afterwards, not afterword. Typing into a word document will help you, trust me, and it will help just picking out these little details.
10) Please check the above comment, since it's related to spelling.

Likes:
...
✘ Paris
It's true. It's sincerely the City of Love
...
✘ Music
She expresses herself through the music she listens [color=#BF40FF]to

Just a couple of things here - a couple of minor spelling errors and a slight grammar mistake. One 'o' in this 'to, two, too' thing, as it isn't her agreeing to some and it isn't a number. I'm not sure I've explained that very well.

Dislikes:
...
✘ Spiders and other insects
They are HIDEOUS

I think you mean insects here, I'm not sure what you mean by six leggers. Try to be slightly more clear next time.

Strengths:
Her strengths are swimming, running, and surfing and am manipulating people

[ωιитєяfℓу]

((Sorry I've had no time this week to finish the other critiques, and I've been pretty ill, so I'll get them up in the next day or two. Check this post for the next critique.))

[passion.]

Okay, thank you so much for the critique. Don't worry, it's not offensive.
I actually was kind of looking forward to it so I could see what I did wrong.
Yeah, my iPad does spellcheck sometimes, or it does the wrong spellcheck. Im probably not the best speller in the world, so just correct me. It won't hurt at all.
Thank y, on the history and personality thing. Her personality was kind of based in me, actually. That's my full personality right there. I could still add a few things to it as well, and I will dot he corrections you provided.
I'll fix the hair, eyes, tattoo, and clothing issue as well. Also the hairstyle. Thanks for making it sound flowy instead of choppy. I was kind of gong for the choppy sound, I guess it sounds better. But I guess not XD. No worries. Should I just copy the stuff you suggested into the form?

[ωιитєяfℓу]

It would probably be best if you made your own improvements - mine were merely a suggestion, and it would be nice to see what you've changed rather than using my suggestions.

[passion.]

Sure.
Will do. And thanks