by 111misc » Sat Feb 18, 2012 10:34 am
To no one in particular,
I've found the older I've grown, the more I find flaws with myself, with the world, with life. I feel spoiled, catered to, and I hate it. I'm treated like an idiot all the time, by teachers, parents, adults in general. It's as if because I'm under the age eighteen, my brain and heart haven't started to work, I'm not a real person yet--just a prototype. It's just teen angst, is what I'm told, but I'm so sick of it. Everyone around me are such sh...sugar-heads. Cruel and mean. This one boy in my grade won a competition with a speech about respecting others, and I see him at lunch every day picking on freshmen and being rude and cold. How is that fair? How is it that we manage to be such terrible people, without understanding it? I can see clearly others faults, and I'm starting to see my own, more clearly, too. It's not easy to see your own faults, though, I've learned. It's not in human nature to hate yourself, but I'm close to managing it. And the thing is, I'm just as bad as everyone else; I make fun of kids, talk behind their backs, don't respect my elders, roll my eyes, don't do all my homework, I'm just as horrible in the duties I'm expected to perform: being a good person and a responsible student. Life just sucks that way, I guess. But it's worse for me, I think. I'm told, by my religion, my parents, and now it's been engrained so well into my own brain I catch myself thinking it, too, that I'm better. That I was chosen by G-d to be who I am, that I have a responsibility to live up to, that I have to be a role model. I've never told anyone how this feels, they'd hate me for it, feel I'm a holier-than-thou type girl, a self ritious idiot. That's what I would think if someone told me they were better than me. That's why I'm writing this, because it's what I believe, and it's not fun. I have to watch myself, all the time. I have to be more careful than everyone else, I have to do better, work harder, and be kinder. I'm supposed to be holy, I'm supposed to lead people...it's my fate, my destiny, aparantly. So what do I do when I look in the mirror and find that I'm just as bad as normal people? Just as normal, mundane, vulgar, cruel? It's terrible, having so many expectations. I cry about it, I lose sleep over it, I've lost friends over it, despite me never talking to them about my issues like this. Once I had a friend, Rachel, we were pretty close, but she was--is--a terrible person. I'm not even joking; all she did was complain, and pity herself, gossip, and become false friends with people. She was selfish and vain, and I don't even know why I used to like her. But it hit me one day, how she was such a lame person, and this mindset of mine, this fate of mine, hanging over my head all the time, it told me to leave. I can't be friends with people like that. It's not the life I'm meant for. I believe it, too. I'm not trying to make fun of this religion of mine, I believe every word, but it hurts, sometimes, too. It gives me a lot of pain, puts a lot of restrictions on my life. I feel, all the time, now, like I'm bound by this fate G-d gave me, this gift. And I know it's a gift, and that's something, too, that makes me feel so guilty. Because I should rejoice with my fate, not fluant it, but be proud of it. Instead I don't tell anyone, I keep it to myself, and I feel like I'm wasting it. I need to become a better person, I just don't know how. And then I question, would I still want to be better without this fate of mine? I think so, I think that's why I am who I am, because I have more of a conscience than the boys who fight during lunch, who make kids cry, who are rude and bullies and don't understand they're hurting people. Maybe they understand, but in my opinion, that's even worse, because they keep doing it, though they know it's wrong. I think I was chosen for who I am, my soul, that is, because I can feel more...I don't know. Maybe I'm just justifying, it's more than likely. But it's all I can do to keep me sane, when my whole world, more and more every day, feels like it's full of sin. I'm trying to be a better person, now, but I come across all these hurdles, and it's hard. It's difficult reforming ones self, but I know I can do it. When I fall asleep every night, the last thought I usually have is about this, about how I can fix the mess I've made of myself. I don't know who I'd mail this letter to if I were to send it, maybe just to myself. I just wish that everything in my life were simpler, sometimes, that I could live normally, and not feel, as I do now, that I'm supposed to be so much more than what I am: that I've fallen so short of my potential...that I've failed.
-Me
take me home
hope we are in the same class
