Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[Season of the Star]

Man- It's been busy! Horse, can you PM me all the new members? Any problems anyone would like to discuss?

[Apperception]

INC long story!

Lights were dancing underneath David's eyelids. They twirled and shimmered, making his mouth slide up in what could have been a smile, but it didn't feel like his own. An unnatrual feeling of pure joy swelled in his chest, and he took in a deep breath. The air smelled musty, and the light scent of mold swelled into his nostrels. He dared to open his eyes.
He was in a room. The walls were covered with rotting ivy, the leaves turned a dull yellow color. Small glimpes of grey showed that the wall was made of a dark stone, which looked as if it were ready to crumbled into a heap. Rays of sunshine poked through the ceiling, giving off a small amount of light that was just enough to determine the surroundings.

David sat in the middle of the room, his body bare exept for a pair of faded, silky pants. They appeared greatly used; the color was faded to the point where the original color was unknown, and they were dressed with a thin layer of mud.

The air carried a chill, causing goosebumps to rise on David's skin. His mind was foggy, basic thoughts seemed to run through his head without meaning. His ears rang, drowning out all other noises. The world was spinning around him, willing him to the ground. He tried to stand, but was welcomed by fiery pain that pierced through his veins. His body went limp and he fell back to the ground, he felt as if he was no longer in control of himself. Before we was sure what was happening, his mouth was open, letting out a blood curdling scream.

Dark laughter bounced along the walls. David fell silent, his heart throbbing in his chest. It felt as if it was going to burst open, leaving him dead and helpless on the floor while the room became a bloody scene. His breath came quickly, his lungs attempting to fill with air as his heart threatened to give out, all while the laughter continued.

The heavy sound of feet coming closer filled his ears. The sound wasn't natrual, the steps were loud, and slow. It sounded as if something was being dragged along the cracked, stone floors. Something hard against something harder.

David's first instinct was to move, to hide, but his body wouldn't let him. It was like being held down by a force you couldn't see. His body yelled in protest as he attempted to move, his breath become ragged as his heart continued to pound harder, trying to hold on. All the while, the footsteps grew closer, the dragging louder.

"Well, what do we have here?" Came a pitched voice from behind him. Each word was drawn into a lisp, making the hairs on the back of David's neck stand up. "You're a scrawny one, useless. There are no meat on your bones, boy" David could not see what was talking to him. The air began to fill with the smell of rotting food, wafting up David's nose and causing his eyes to water.
More noise. The scraping now right by his ear. His heart began to slow, now moving at an incomfortable pace. Something hard scratched his cheek, running over his pale, dirty skin.

"And to know I could kill you within seconds" The voice was now right by David's ear "And not even mean to." The horrible laughter began again.

Okay, so I decided to continue with the sample story I wrote. This is what I came up with. The cold medicine I'm on makes my mind groggy, and I haven't went over it yet to check for errors. Do you guys think it is worth continuing with? I decided to call it "The Forgotten Chapel". The name is not yet permanent. Normally I start a completely new paragraph like I did, but it isn't be very cooperative right now.

[peachie.]

INC long story!

Lights were dancing underneath David's eyelids. They twirled and shimmered, making his mouth slide up in what could have been a smile, but it didn't feel like his own. An unnatrual feeling of pure joy swelled in his chest, and he took in a deep breath. The air smelled musty, and the light scent of mold swelled into his nostrels. He dared to open his eyes.
He was in a room. The walls were covered with rotting ivy, the leaves turned a dull yellow color. Small glimpes of grey showed that the wall was made of a dark stone, which looked as if it were ready to crumbled into a heap. Rays of sunshine poked through the ceiling, giving off a small amount of light that was just enough to determine the surroundings.

David sat in the middle of the room, his body bare exept for a pair of faded, silky pants. They appeared greatly used; the color was faded to the point where the original color was unknown, and they were dressed with a thin layer of mud.

The air carried a chill, causing goosebumps to rise on David's skin. His mind was foggy, basic thoughts seemed to run through his head without meaning. His ears rang, drowning out all other noises. The world was spinning around him, willing him to the ground. He tried to stand, but was welcomed by fiery pain that pierced through his veins. His body went limp and he fell back to the ground, he felt as if he was no longer in control of himself. Before we was sure what was happening, his mouth was open, letting out a blood curdling scream.

Dark laughter bounced along the walls. David fell silent, his heart throbbing in his chest. It felt as if it was going to burst open, leaving him dead and helpless on the floor while the room became a bloody scene. His breath came quickly, his lungs attempting to fill with air as his heart threatened to give out, all while the laughter continued.

The heavy sound of feet coming closer filled his ears. The sound wasn't natrual, the steps were loud, and slow. It sounded as if something was being dragged along the cracked, stone floors. Something hard against something harder.

David's first instinct was to move, to hide, but his body wouldn't let him. It was like being held down by a force you couldn't see. His body yelled in protest as he attempted to move, his breath become ragged as his heart continued to pound harder, trying to hold on. All the while, the footsteps grew closer, the dragging louder.

"Well, what do we have here?" Came a pitched voice from behind him. Each word was drawn into a lisp, making the hairs on the back of David's neck stand up. "You're a scrawny one, useless. There are no meat on your bones, boy" David could not see what was talking to him. The air began to fill with the smell of rotting food, wafting up David's nose and causing his eyes to water.
More noise. The scraping now right by his ear. His heart began to slow, now moving at an incomfortable pace. Something hard scratched his cheek, running over his pale, dirty skin.

"And to know I could kill you within seconds" The voice was now right by David's ear "And not even mean to." The horrible laughter began again.

Okay, so I decided to continue with the sample story I wrote. This is what I came up with. The cold medicine I'm on makes my mind groggy, and I haven't went over it yet to check for errors. Do you guys think it is worth continuing with? I decided to call it "The Forgotten Chapel". The name is not yet permanent. Normally I start a completely new paragraph like I did, but it isn't be very cooperative right now.

Good job! It is amazing!
I think you should continue it to make it a little longer to show what happens. I want to see what happens now x)

---

Critique on this please?

Trevor had said something about her not liking to kill people like other fallen angels. Wondering if there were other immortals like him crossed her mind, she answered yes. There must be, no one likes spilling blood especially innocent human’s.
But she didn’t know many fallen angels, she actually only knew two. Are the others as kind as Trevor? Were they as beautiful as Trevor? Maybe, she decided. When Trevor talked of fallen angels she made it sound like there were millions of them. But the way she could freely walk around town -as she did now- it seemed like there were only a couple dozen.
With the cold now effecting her ears, Amy ducked inside a small clothing store. It once had been her favourite store to shop at. Now the shop was abandon.
The sign of the store that once was lit up now had four of the five letters burnt out. The windows were smashed and millions of shards of glass were on the floor. The door was knocked off of it’s frame and was open.
She walked inside. The silence seemed to hush everything in the large store, it was hard to imagine this place once busy and full of people. She grabbed a basket and headed towards the girls area. She didn’t even bother to try the stuff on.
Grabbing clothes off the rack she piled jeans, shirts, jackets and more into her basket. She turned as she heard footsteps. She crouched behind a rack of clothes hiding from someone-or something- she peered around the clothes to see a teenage boy walk by the store.
From what she could see he was tan, tall and had wavy black hair. She waited for a couple of minutes to make sure the coast was clear. She peered out the door making sure it was alright then bolted back to the alley with the basket of clothes swinging in her hand.

[DRdoctorlady]

DR, you know how bad I am with cursing in real life, so it often pours into characters. I mean, poor little Mina doesn't curse, but then again, she never went to school and really didn't know what cursing was. Hell, she barely knew what English was.

And of course you know how badly I curse and my habit for strange ones ouo

But bluh.
Woman.
I will pay you in pokeballs if you help make the reincarnation of Pinnacle less DEATH AND SLOP and more NOT DEATH AND MAYBE LESS SLOP.
kay?
And when you have 18 go out in public and bombard people :D Or have a pokeball fight in small room.

And thanks for the opinions everyone c:

I personally hate the editing part, though if I must I can usually attack something.

Curiousity: For those that have done NaNoWriMo, and won, are you getting your proof copy for the NaNo novel, or saving it for anything else you might miraculously write until then?
I'm saving mine ^^

[Apperception]

---

Critique on this please?

Trevor had said something about her not liking to kill people like other fallen angels. Wondering if there were other immortals like him crossed her mind, she answered yes. There must be, no one likes spilling blood especially innocent human’s.
But she didn’t know many fallen angels, she actually only knew two. Are the others as kind as Trevor? Were they as beautiful as Trevor? Maybe, she decided. When Trevor talked of fallen angels she made it sound like there were millions of them. But the way she could freely walk around town -as she did now- it seemed like there were only a couple dozen.
With the cold now effecting her ears, Amy ducked inside a small clothing store. It once had been her favourite store to shop at. Now the shop was abandon.
The sign of the store that once was lit up now had four of the five letters burnt out. The windows were smashed and millions of shards of glass were on the floor. The door was knocked off of it’s frame and was open.
She walked inside. The silence seemed to hush everything in the large store, it was hard to imagine this place once busy and full of people. She grabbed a basket and headed towards the girls area. She didn’t even bother to try the stuff on.
Grabbing clothes off the rack she piled jeans, shirts, jackets and more into her basket. She turned as she heard footsteps. She crouched behind a rack of clothes hiding from someone-or something- she peered around the clothes to see a teenage boy walk by the store.
From what she could see he was tan, tall and had wavy black hair. She waited for a couple of minutes to make sure the coast was clear. She peered out the door making sure it was alright then bolted back to the alley with the basket of clothes swinging in her hand.

I feel as if there are a lot of "she's". Maybe it's just me, but it seems to jump out a lot. You could try using the characters name more, or you could add comma's into two sentences to make them into one, of course making use the proper wording while introducing the two sentences together.

Also, adding a bit more detail, or action, into parts such as when the boy walks by the store. It brought a bit of suspense to the story in my mind, but it ended very quickly. I'm not saying you should draw out the action, but instead adding a bit more. That's all I can think of at the moment.

Overall, I'd really like to know more about the story itself! If you put a brief description on another page, I'm sorry for not noticing. I'm not much of an editor either, but those are my tips hehe.

[MBRShorse]

DR:

I'm actually considering getting the proof copy. I want it so badly! But I'm afraid that self-publishing the novel now could jeapardize getting it published later. I'm trying to find an answer before I finalize everything.

[Aaliya]

Could someone help me edit my short story. The link is in my signature, it says "The Choice".
I really need help. It's not that great, and I'm new.

[MBRShorse]

Quick vent: My computer thought it would be fun to get a super nasty virus last night. The computer shop is closed until after Christmas. I'm now sharing my mom's computer, and she uses it almost 24/7. I'm very sad. So, I won't be on as often until my computer is fixed. So sad....

[DRdoctorlady]

D'aww, horse.
I just hope it doesn't wipe all your data ;3;
I have a bad habit of not backing up anything. I almost lost over fifteen stories once, when my desktop died >_<

I just got a little notebook thing. I almost never write by hand, since that takes forever as apposed to my 136 wpm typing, and it's harder to edit as you go, but I'm vaguely interested in trying it out.

[MBRShorse]

DR:

I almost panicked for a second. I was like "MY NOVEL!", but then I remembered I backed it up 50,000 times via e-mail. Everything is okay!

And I recommend using an notebook. I usually write down outlines and plot/character information in mine, so I can keep track of ideas and such when I'm out and about, or in school. I also sometimes write my stories on paper to help me stay away from the never-ending type-backspace loop of evil. It's all really quite wonderful.