Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[azemyc]

That's true. Swearing does happen all the time, and if someone's really mad, chances are that they're going to swear. It's just an outlet really.

[Aaliya]

Username: Aaliya
What will we call you: Aaliya is fine, or Aa or Liya or Ali.... anything is okay. (Pronounced: Uh-Lee-Ya)
What are your goals as an author? Just mostly to get my ideas out there. I'm not really shooting for getting anything published (yet), more of thing to do in my past time. I do hope people will like it and want me to write more.
Can you give us a sample of your writing?
Here's a bit from what I'm currently working on:

"So.... are you still seeing that Xavier guy?" Dally asked me shyly.
"Oh! Right I need to tell you something........ I'm kind of getting married to him." I sadly said.
"I'm happy for you," He said with a unenthusiastic voice. Then asked, "Are you happy with him?"
I sighed, "You know I'm not, but I'm doing good. I would still be on the streets if it wasn't for him."
"You could live with me." Dally quickly mumbled.
"Huh?"
"Nothing..."
I stared him in the eye and said, "I can't." He understood.
Are you currently working on any books? Yes! Well, kind of. It's more of a short story and growing. I think I might call it "The Choice", there is a link in my signature if you want to read what I have so far.
Why do you want to join? I'm a new writer and have zero expirence. It'll be nice to discuss ideas and trade thoughts with others, some of which could help me out, and I could learn from.
Do you have published books yet? Nah...
Do you wish to find a "writing partner"? Not desperatly at the moment, but it sounds fun, so I would say yes.
What Role(s): Roles? It depends.
What's your favorite Genre? I love fantasy and romances. Also when the setting in in the early 1900's or late 1800's.
What kind of books do you write? I have had a lot of mini ideas for all sorts of books/ stories I've started, but it seems I loose interest fast and move on. I've written short drafts of: Vampire, Teenager/ Hurricane, Triangle Romance, and a few others.

[Trick;]

Aaliya, may I critique that little part you posted? A few things are killing me ^^

[Aaliya]

Yes, please go ahead.

[Trick;]

"So.... are you still seeing that Xavier guy?" Dally asked me shyly.
"Oh! Right I need to tell you something........ I'm kind of getting married to him." I sadly said.
"I'm happy for you," He said with a unenthusiastic voice. Then asked, "Are you happy with him?"
I sighed, "You know I'm not, but I'm doing good. I would still be on the streets if it wasn't for him."
"You could live with me." Dally quickly mumbled.
"Huh?"
"Nothing..."
I stared him in the eye and said, "I can't." He understood.

Let's take it sentence by sentence :3 Note, a few of these are merely opinion based, but most of my critiques will to enable easy reading, to help it go smoothly through the process :D

"So.... are you still seeing that Xavier guy?" Dally asked me shyly.

You have four little dots there ._. Four. Four normally means you having a drawl on the last word, or dragging it, either way. But it also means... and then a period, to end the drag. It especially means that because you spaced after it. All in all, it should either be a triple, or a quad, space, then a capital A. :3 And then 'Dally asked me shyly.'
I recommend changing that to something along the lines of 'Dally asked, shyly.' I assume the two characters are around no one else, so no need for the 'me', eh?

"Oh! Right I need to tell you something........ I'm kind of getting married to him." I sadly said.

Oh, is perfectly fine, on my terms. But it should be 'Right, I need to tell you something.'. You don't have that comma there. And then what is up with all those periods? ._. You have too many drags. You could pull a '"Oh! Right, I need to tell you something." I paused, {thinking over how to tell him.? I don't know how the character would act, but eh.} "I'm kind of getting married to him." {Then maybe a, hmm...This is the hard part of editing certain sections, I don't know the character yet D;. Maybe a, 'Even I could hear the sadness staining my voice.'}

"I'm happy for you," He said with a unenthusiastic voice. Then asked, "Are you happy with him?"

Too many happy's ._. Or is it how the character talks? I know one of my characters likes to describe everything he sees as 'beautiful' :3 I don't often use the comma-instead-of-a-period-if-I'm-continuing-rule myself, but I don't think that's used right :3 I think it should only really be used if you're saying something such as '"You're beautiful," Johnny said, eyeing me. "Really."' What I'm saying is...Replace the first comma with a period :3

I sighed, "You know I'm not, but I'm doing good. I would still be on the streets if it wasn't for him."

'I sighed.' Not 'I sighed,' Unless she was actually sighing out the words. ...I'm going to go try doing that ._. Other than that, really no critique.

"Nothing..."

Hun, again with the periods? ._.

Done, I believe :3

[Aaliya]

Wow! Thank you so much! That was super helpful. I guess my writing has a lot of mistakes!

[Trick;]

Don't worry too much, I've seen a lot worse.
*shudders*
Anyone else? I was hoping once I did one for one person, other people would ask me more. :3

[Aaliya]

This is probably spam, but where did you get the deer in your signature. I've been staring at them for hours, they're so funny!

Also could you maybe take a look at another part of my writing?

[Trick;]

Definitely :3 And I'm afraid I no longer have the link D; They're on Tumblr, though. That's all I know.
You can just post the snippet here, or PM me. It might take me a bit though; I'm about to leave.

[-Akemi-]

((Could you also critique mine please? Its on my computer at school, though, and I'm not going back until January. *Sigh*))