CRITIQUES PLEASE READ! NEED SUGGESTIONS!

[violacherry]

sorry closed

[violacherry]

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[list the unknown]

OH MY GOSH!
I have only read the first two paragraphs and I'm LOVING IT!!

[violacherry]

thanks so much!

[violacherry]

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[violacherry]

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[violacherry]

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[O.G.]

Well, I think the story overall could be interesting, but I think you could work on a few things. In particular, I think you could work on Jewels emotions a lot more. One moment she seems unhappy with her home or uncertain, and the next she seems rather blissful and happy, but then she seems to be unhappy again. Another thing I think you could do is tell us who the man, her father, is towards the beginning of the story. I thought it was a bit confusing until I figured out who he was. I was suspicious of him as a deranged old boyfriend until you said he looked thirty. xD Because of the site, I don't think you should be mentioning what was said her 'father' did to her real mother. It isn't very child appropriate. Also, there is a lot of time skipping at one point in the story. I think you should make it just one larger time skip and explain what happened in that time skip. Um, I noticed you spelled the word 'rough' as ruff and you misspelled something else, but I can't remember what it was. Other than that, I think that it could be good and please, don't take this as a slam. I'm only trying to help. (:

[Peaches.]

I read the whole thing and I think its really good! Though Juliet's actions did seem a little forced. I think you should put yourself in her position more and explain more past references. Would she really try to eat the food her hateful father made for her? Or would she ask the boy his name when they just met, straight out? Why would her father stalk her down now of all times? Is her puppy old enough to just wonder around, and even guide Emily and Oli to Juliet? How did the family build trust in less than a week? How can she have a crush on a boy she met the other day? How long has Emily been pregnant? Can adoptive parents really hug their adoptive daughter the day they met without any hesitation? How can people guess Emily's job without further explanation? How can Juliet change her personality, shy but can giggle and be sarcastic in the next five seconds? Can Juliet here through walls are did she peek through the door? I think if you explain with more details it would flow more.

What I added is in red
What i took out is in [brackets]
My explanation for why i did so is in green

A "Father" Who Took It All Away


“What do you think of the place?” [my new foster mom] Emily asked, eager to please. (You shouldn't start off with everything right off the bat.)

I [waited along time] hesitated before answering. I had built up a wall [every foster home I had been to,] to defend me from the evils that lay in each foster home. (It was confusing but i understood the jist of it)Emily and her husband Oli had spent all afternoon breaking it down. I have yet to realize how[don’t know how but] they did. As always,I know I probably wo[uld]n’t be staying here [for] too long. They’re a young couple, mature[,] and definitelynot party people[,]. [and]They don’t know what [they are] they'regetting themselves into.

“It’s my temporary home, it’s not where I belong.” I [can feel the tears starting to build up] look away to keep myself from crying. Emily's[Her] face flashes with sadness and pity[, his face was shocked and sad]. I [went into my room to cry] sat on the edge of my soon-to-be bed, my head held down, ashamed to have cried in front of my adoptive parents. Emily and Oli walk out of the room, and soon I hear distantwhispering, “Look, honey, I know this isn’t what you [wanted or suspected] expected, maybe she [should just go to the other] is better off with another family.”
“No! This is her 45th home! We can’t just give her away like a [dog] toy if she’s not perfect. I know what its like.” her shaky voice struggled to stay firm.[was shaky but firm.]

No use-unpacking [color=#FF0000]everythingif I’ll only be here for a month.[/color](It makes more sense if you put together sentences with the same subject) I pulled out the[my] picture of my family. [No use-unpacking if I’ll only be here for a month.] I traced my finger along the figures of their bodies[family]. I touched my mother’s stomach. She was going to give birth. [that should have given birth but never did]. I felt my eyes start to get wet, and covered them with my hands, and wept.[started to cry]. I haven’t really cried since the 5th home. I heard the door creak open, and footsteps towards my side[I hadn’t realized that Emily had come in and wrapped me in her arms. She waited until I was ready to talk.] She stopped before sitting by my side, and only put her hand on my shoulder. She stayed like that for a couple minutes, not making a noise, listening to my muffled cries.

[I sniffled, ]“She was going to have a baby. We were going to be the perfect family." I said, releasing my hands off my face. "And then…. And then…” I [started to sob again]wailed, this time louder. The sounds echoed through the house, as Oli stepped into the room.. She silentlysoothed me though Oli stayed at the door way, his face in pain.[as Oli came in and, in turn, wrapped me in his arms.](Remember to realise that they are technically just strangers at the moment. As "mother" only Ellie would comfort Juliet. Oli would be clueless on what to do. Think of personalities, too.)

Finally Emily said, “I know what its like, I really do. This will never be your real home; we will never be your real parents. But we want you to like it here and feel safe. We’re not going to force you to do anything. But we would like you to stay.[are going to keep you.]” I slowly nodded my head, but kept my face where they couldn't see.

We sat there for a while, until Oli announced quietly that he was going to make dinner. Emily followed; leaving me alone in my room. The room, as from what I could tell[that I can tell] was quickly cleaned out to make it suitable for me.[a makeshift room.] I notice something that They forgot to move out something though. I walk over to something that sits in the corner of the room. It's a huge black[looks like a huge violin] case. (From what i can tell she's not that familiar with music, so she shouldn't be able to guess what would be inside, maybe other than an instrument. Also describe things that are meant to be remembered. eg, "I slowly unzipped the dusty black case, but quickly pulled my hand away when I noticed large white cobwebs attaching the case to the wall." or "My fathers crookedly placed teeth and wretched laughter are one of many things I would never forget.")

I'm not going to "edit" through the whole story but i hope you would take what i wrote as an example, though don't make yourself copy this into the story. I hope you gained a little insight, though!

[violacherry]

thanks so much guys i will fix and make better. especially you basil love the suggestions! will take them into consideration and will add and fix