Who the critique is for: Tanner
What you had to say about it:
One thing I did notice was you did not focus much on the personality, this is always a must for me. Personaties define who the character is, what they like, and how they feel. Your form However appears not to have much emphisis on his personality. Which it should as it is always good to know who your character is, rather then what they are doing.
Hersh grew up in a big forest with a small herd. He and his herd lived in the quiet clearing in the middle of the forest, which had never been touched by human hands. There were few predators, and a quiet always-flowing stream ran through the center of the peaceful clearing. One day Hersh and his friends were playing and splashing in the stream and his father heard something and signaled to run, but Hersh was frozen, with fright. Everyone had gone by the time the yearling realized the noise was humans.
The next thing he knew, he was on ropes, headed in the opposite direction his herd had fled. He had fought the ropes, but it was no use, and he was exhausted now, and followed quietly behind, scared, and alone feeling.
Hersh had learned to love humans, because his humans were nice and forgiving, and never hurt him, and they trusted each other. One day, Hersh and his girl, she was tall, young and had blonde hair, were taking a trail ride, when he thought the area looked familiar, but he couldn’t ever recall coming here. Puzzled, he thought and thought, until he realized, he was getting closer and closer to his forest! Soon, he smelled familiar scents, and knew exactly where he was. Randomly, he broke into an excited gallop, his back mane whipping his rider’s face, his hooves pounding the soft mossy forest floor.
When he arrived at the clearing, he skidded to a stop, and stared in shock; It was almost unrecognizable, there was no green grass left, just dry cracked earth beneath him. There was only a few puddle of non flowing stagnant water left in the small creek. Hersh could smell horses, not his family, but it was stagnant and old. What had happened here, Hersh wondered.
He wheeled around, too sad to look, and felt tears run down his long brown face. Head hung low, Hersh walked home quietly, scared, yet again.
Again correctiontions in blue.
