. // THE INSOMNIAC'S CALENDAR. )

[sinensys]

luminescence beckons
and i reach for it,
hoping there is not
a set of anglerfish's maw
on the other side.

[sinensys]

i have no self
and i see the space where it should be.
but i cannot remember
what i would have put there
in the first place.
the vacancy was made for me,
and yet it wasn't.
i saw myself float by,
but only because the shell
filled with helium.
i see the hollow space
but i do not know
how to fill it for myself.

[sinensys]

and just like that,
she vanished,
dead but dreaming.

[sinensys]

"...are you okay?"


"as okay as i ever will be
as okaya in this instance
as at this point in time."

[sinensys]

раздирающие чувства
вдохновляют,
но неприятные ощущения
неизбежны.
а как же хотелось бы
уметь чувствовать,
но не терять себя
в внезапных бурях,
в залпах зубастых,
врасплох.
бесшумно перекликаются
подавление с горем,
в засаде,
а я как безглазый олень
--- слепая, невидящая.

[sinensys]

if you put a wolf on the moon,
even the most stubborn ones
will eventually settle for
howling at the sun instead.
sometimes you can hear
their soft canid dirges,
lamenting the loss of a tradition,
even across the stiff vacuum
and stifling stratosphere:

out here in the loosely grounding void,
we are close to our god
at the cost of our culture,
and for that we weep,
bidding the return shuttle
a bitter farewell,
for having experienced
a life of low gravity,
we can never return
the same.

[sinensys]

and so once again,
i beg my weary racehorse
to defy that leaden weight
that binds it so soundly
so that i might succeed
in my two endeavors
within the next twenty four hours.
i beg and plead for that
equine speed and grace,
a vector defined and amplified
across the vast empty
i currently find myself
drowning in.
i plead with my beloved racehorse,
and tell it that all i wish to do
is to succeed in these two tasks
and then it may lie down to rest
again
--- whether or not my pleas
are heard
is something i will find out
later, in 9 hours from now.

[sinensys]

as quick as the spinner
turns,
i am quicker to fly
through obstacles
with a blind zeal
or a stumbling sorrow.
in the end, the result
burns,
my acetone reflection
warping, evaporating,
as i vanish from my
idealized reality
without a trace.
and just like that,
i am erased from the chip,
the chip gleaming
and my sense of self
rinsed off, discarded.

[sinensys]

i peer into my
rapidly evaporating
acetone reflection,
and within it i fish out that
crooked anguilliform
--- i would love to place
all blame on it,
even if i know it was partly
my fault
for not wrangling it correctly.
that writhing, toothy, wyrm,
gasping for aqueous oxygen,
still manages to elude my grasp,
splashing about in that
deep acetone puddle.
most others do not possess
such a fickle wyrm as i do,
but yet still there were things
i could have done
to rewrite the fate i am met with.
but it is too late now,
and all i can do is figure out
what else can be done
in future iterations
of this very same event.

[sinensys]

out here in the soft whimsy
of the vacuous nothing,
something inexplicable
courses through me;
my body pulses for seemingly
no reason.
aggravating by some unseen force,
my chest rages louder
than the thunderstorm outside,
a rabbit pitifully ensnared.
i can only guess
--- or rather, assume ---
that this starved heartbeat races
due to the medical barrage
inflicted wednesday to friday,
three hours a day.
i had not expected such rioting
from within my own self
so late in the treatment,
but perhaps i should not have been
so eager
to get back to work when i was warned
that i may not be fully recovered
before monday.
it is disheartening
to be betrayed by my own heart
and to have to call off plans
i promised on before.
even having called off plans,
my chest and head beat
at a stupid high rate,
fairly consistently.
how much longer tonight
will i writhe as a victim
of some thrashing thing within?
and what if it is unrelated
to the thing which i had
attributed it to?
i float in limbo, shaking,
yet still i lack any control
of my own propulsion.