❪ you put my head in such a flurry, flurry༝ ❫

[pirating]

x

xxxxxdo not post, please.
my pms are open if you are interested
in talking about writing or etc :-)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2.8.25 ༝ 1:05 am
— 1.
there's nothing more refreshing,  people most often think,  than a nice, cold glass of water at night;
a brisk summer breeze during a heatwave;       or lying down after a hard day of work.       to me,
there's nothing more refreshing    than falling in love with you    all over again—      just because,
naturally,    you've caught my eye after calling my name.       i don't even remember what you wanted,
because  i am   too dedicated  to remembering  this moment until i live it once again.

[pirating]

entry index

♯ 001.┆ fallen angel
♯ 002.┆ perfect crime
♯ 003.┆ cathedral
♯ 004.┆ alley cat
♯ 005.┆ the ballet
♯ 006.┆ music box brain
♯ 007.┆ international day of forests

[pirating]

x

2༝20༝25

to you, as i sing out these broken, mangled chords
my voice box cries out for a reprieve— to stop it, begging me
desperately not to turn an eye to the onslaught anymore.
painfully, painfully exposing my only fragile heart to you— hey,
for your entertainment, did you get bored?

you know, i can't find it in myself anymore to let i waste away
under your judicious gaze, once again resting on my face
i feel spat on, is all your beloved pet deserves a shove?
as you continue to feast on my only fragile heart,
what lands in my eye is the debris of your love.

your hands and your heart, your words and your love
are almost as cold as this place we've called home,
i find myself praying the sins away and you, you've known
that all along you were never one from up above.

i can't take this blizzard anymore, can't take this place
and when it all clears you won't even have reached the gates
obscured by the wings that you so righteously boast
and foolishly, i never realized, that all along you were just a ghost.

you know, i can't find it in myself any longer to watch you waste away
under your judicious gaze, i can't be bothered to see your face
this time, i'll bite, not spit, won't be a pet any longer
and you once feasted upon my only fragile heart, but
not keeping this up, i will force myself to be stronger.

and as i sing out these once broken, mangled lyrics,
my voice box gets a break from the grueling song
the words are no longer cried, screamed out, or wrong— hey,
i had turned an eye, but you see, i gained one too
as i once painfully exposed my only fragile heart to you.

[pirating]

x
3.21.25

i know i’ve struck gold when i see your eyes shine
and you give me one more look, baby, the perfect crime
we don’t have a lot of time so i’ll say this in mind:
i'll rip your wicked heart out and you'll rip out mine

[pirating]

x

3.21.25

a cathedral, a cathedral
do you know what towers over you?
your height, gaudy over all
stands witness to nothing under the gaze
of Him above you
so small, so small
you'll crumble, cathedral, cathedral

──────────────

i feel like a cathedral
build up for ages
holy, beautiful, every detail agonized over. sculpted
with hands of care, hands of worship
only to crumble under the weight of transgressions
it seemed i never stood a chance
as i burn down now, my wooden supports
falling from grace as they say He did
but how come, right now
i feel nothing like that?

[pirating]

x

3.21.25

can't i just stay in my dreams for five more minutes?
no, this is the end of perfection again until tonight


i rise from my bed at a mediocre time and i
inhale another lungful of lifeblood and i
laugh at the strange person in the mirror and i
do my routine, a silly and useless dance and i
learn the consequences of yesterday when i
put everything away in a box under my bed, where i
can't see it in the dark, too behind when i was all caught up,
i looked away for a second, stumbled and now i can't get up

what's the goal? what will i get? i don't know, i'm too slow,
just please don't ask anything of me anymore!
i just want to live as i please at my own pace
free from all time like a stray cat in the alleyway

i didn't ask to be here, but i sure as hell can't stop it
let me drift like a leaf through the changing of seasons
let me walk the path and learn what comes with it
this is what i dreamt of as a kid, growing up
wishing every day to be an adult

well i'm grown now, against what the grown ups warned
they had all lived through this once before
i didn't listen, and this is what i wanted
and now i'm complaining even though i got it

i feel it in my head, the mess of age, the wire tangling
of everything i know; my experiences won't let go, but
with age comes wisdom, and even though it's what i've been told
i can't believe it, won't, you can't convince me that i'm getting old

and like a stray cat in the alleyway, i'll roam again today
wayward against the current, my emotions going all frayed
my room's always a mess, my bed is once again unmade
i'll hide in my dark room and nobody will know that i'm afraid

[pirating]

x

3.21.25

watch me.
watch me as i dance for you, as i
spin and turn and preform
the most beautiful dance moves
fit of only me, your ballerina

hey, watch me.
watch me as i twist, as i
contort myself, getting smaller
watch me now! i preform for only you.

do you see me? see me?
you must, because surely you know
i preform for only you!
i spin, i twist, i contort, i get smaller,
i get smaller, i get smaller, i get smaller,

don't take your eyes off of me!
it'll hurt both of us if you do.
i pirouette, an astonishing smile!
but— oh, your eyes, they're gone,
and so my ankle twists and i crumple.

your eyes are on me again, but the lights
they're off, it's dark, and i'm alone on the floor
you sit across the room, your eyes on me
but i do not feel beautiful in my leotard and tutu.

i asked you to watch me,
and now i'm small, i'm small, and i
i'm on the marley, i'm doubled over myself
you're seeing me, but you only see
the failed attempt of my signature move
meant to impress you.

[pirating]

x

3.21.25

spinning, spinning, spinning. trying to find the rhythm of life that's similar to the dance i know so well, the repetitive cranks, turning, twisting, contortion that i know. it seems so easy in my head; it is so easy in my head. everything put exactly where it's supposed to be, the gears fixed tightly in place, twisting the music box to play.
trying desperately to find the cadence of life, the one that matches the dance i know so well. when i step out of my head into the real world, everything is so chaotic, out of wack, the gears are all stuck and i'm tripping over myself now. the song is distorted and ugly, my once-graceful moves turning into fumbled twists of ankles and muttered out gasps of pain. i can't find the rhythm like in my brain.

[pirating]

x
3.21.25
happy international day of forests !
i am writing so much today. here's something cute
that i wrote while thinking of my partner


the thick green of my heart seems the most impenetrable of all
but perhaps, only to me, is my forest unable to be quelled
like you are an expert (or perhaps, just the best woodsman)
you enter my green maze without even the possibility of doubt that you can
trim off my wily tree branches, so i can see
cut down my overgrown forest floors, so i can breathe
carefully pick at my pesky weeds, so i can be
and now, like before, i am still green
but i am not alone anymore with you tending at me