Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[Hawk WillowWatcher]

I miss you even when you’re here. I miss the old you.

-M

[DragonCave]

Dear sb,

Sometimes I don't know how to feel about you. You've been one of my best friends for years now, and I know you'll always support me and have my back, but your lack of accountability hurt me sometimes. I know you weren't in your right mind at all when you said those things, and that you feel bad, but the lack of a real true apology still hurts me a little. What you said cut me deep, and truth be told that's why we were low contact for so long. I should have been honest when you asked why we didn't talk much for so long instead of blaming it on life being busy, but I didn't have the heart to reopen that wound, especially since you seem to be in a decent place right now. I kind of doubt that you even remember that episode at this point, it's been almost two years and I feel silly for still thinking out it. I want us to be like before again, and I feel like we can almost be, but now I'll always have that tiny seed or worry about those things you said bc that's just the kind of anxious I am. But at the same time you feel like home; because you have seen me at my lowest honestly did a lot to help me out of it even while you were also at your lowest. Maybe we're codependent, and just both need to feel important to someone. I don't know, it's all very confusing to me sometimes. I'd still go to the ends of the earth for you though, and I'd like to think you'd do the same for me.

Maybe with too much forgiveness,

your unpaid therapist <3

[Maligator]

Hey guys, hope you remember me in some way!

I still cry about not being welcome back in the friend group. For years it was really only the connection that I had with you guys that was keeping my mental state okay. I wish I knew what I did or how I acted that caused this, as it would have never been my intention to cause a rift between us. I never have been able to act right socially, but I think that is just a part of what I personally struggle with in being autistic. I hope you guys know I’ll never have any negative feelings towards y’all. It just is what it is sometimes, even if it is sad iughjjjgffcvbjjgsdyufjffuu
I miss how fun it was to hangout with you all!

I’ll never not respect your decision. I can’t lie though, I certainly am lonely now. c,: a lot of it’s my fault though, as I am notoriously terrible at keeping in touch with people due to my anxiety. I don’t reach out to those of you that still are comfortable with me very often, and I apologize for that.

Anyways! Hope things are going well. Things have been better for me particularly this year, as I found the love of my life and have a much steadier and healthier work environment <3 hugs hugs, kiss kiss, best wishes to you all!

-Mali

[rudeboy]

My gosh, how things have changed.

I saw that you changed your name. I like it, it suits you. When I saw his art recently, I felt proud, despite everything. His style has developed so much. I know I was the one who chose to leave, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't mean to stalk or dig up old wounds, but I'm sure you get curious, too. It's been almost two years now, and I cried last night thinking about you both. I know that's pathetic and I know we're all grown now, I should be over it. But I'm not, and I can't entirely help that. Despite what I say or what I may have said in the past, I don't hate you. Never, ever do I hate you. You were my best friend, and part of me will love you for the rest of my life. I never experienced a heartbreak quite like parting with you, and I don't know that I will again. I know it's selfish, but I often wonder if you ever cry for me, or if you've taken on a blind hatred like I did for a while. You're always welcome back. I'll never turn you away. Please reach out to me if you want to. I'll talk to you. I got into my dream college. I know you always talked about how you didn't like the way our college system operated, but I'm getting in almost entirely on financial aid. I got the earliest possible admission and all kinds of scholarship and financial aid money. I'm going to study English, and I'm sure you'd feel that was an appropriate path for me. I wish I'd realized earlier, but I do have a personality disorder. That doesn't excuse my behavior, moreso explains it, but my family and close friends have been helping me work through that. I am transgender, although I don't quite feel safe presenting as such where I live now. I know I was confused for a while, but I just needed to experiment a bit more. I moved to the country, and it's a lot different here. I saw that you moved, too. I hope you enjoy being where you are now. I know you dreamed about it for a long time. I'll always care about you, and there's a part of me that wants to hate you, but I don't. I don't think I could ever hate you. You gave me hope, made me feel like I wasn't too broken and traumatized and unloveable. You made me believe I deserve better than what I've gotten in my life. We were just kids, bubba. I never should have expected you to fix me. You mended a part of me, though. I'll always love you for that. Please never say you hate me. I never want you to hate me.

[Vazchu]

Dear L,
I didn't send you a Christmas card last year. I'm so sorry. I don't know if I can afford it this year either even if I want to keep up the tradition and send them to lots of people. I guess I am of that older generation, or perhaps the last generation to do it "traditionally" instead of "digitally"? I wish such a tradition could last forever, for so many more generations to come. It's something special with Christmas cards after all. Both writing them carefully and finding them in one's mailbox.

You never replied to the email I sent you about meeting again a few summers ago ... I've been terrified that I wrote it too honestly. Made it too overwhelming and long. You know how I always write such long things, after all, you're one of few who has been reading my stories that I write. Anyhow, I'm still terrified about it and cry over it every so often whenever I remember that I haven't gotten a reply. Especially around this time of the year when I start making plans of the Christmas cards I want to send. Even more terrified that something's happened to you.
How are you? Are your wrists causing you even worse pain nowadays?
I often look up the building, there hasn't been many changes of the names since I moved away most of the time ... But every year I am scared to look. Since I was the youngest in our building and only three people more were young enough to still be working. I'm so scared to see the names disappear one by one - but I still make myself look every year. Since I send Christmas cards to those of you whom I loved the most.

I know that I didn't live there for long. How long was it even that I could last living in the big city? Two and a half year? Maybe I failed even sooner? I cannot recall ... It was such a bad combination of happy and sad moments there. It was you, L, and the other ladies that made it worthwhile to live there. You took the pain away whenever it was too much for me to bear. Bella did too when she still was there, may she rest in peace. And I'm sorry I left at the same time that she got ill, I know that you could have needed my company so much more at that time ... It was such a bad thing that everything bad happened at the same time ... I'm sorry. I hope it will be years more before I have to start lighting candles for you all as well.

I miss you all still and I'm sad that I never visited again. I've been close, I admit, but never quite there. I've been so ashamed that I couldn't make it work - even with your care. You were the grandma I lost and filled the hole that my own left behind in a way, and then I tore that hole empty all over again. I was simply too poor, too young, too naive to be able to live in the great city. Not to mention I'm not a city person and to begin with I only did it because my parents forced me to. Ever since I can remember I wanted to live on the countryside and be close to the deep forest and open fields since I'm a small town person and realized while living in that great city that I'm also highly sensitive. Thus I don't feel good at all being in the city - not even for work to be perfectly honest. I'm hoping to find a new one on the countryside at some point ... I have dreams of being a farmer, just like my mother's side of the family was for so many generations before her.

I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry I never managed to tell you just how awful I felt living in the city. I simply couldn't. Especially since you were one of those who made me last for as long as I did.
And I'm sorry I disappointed you. I never wanted to, but I did it anyhow.
I'm no good at having friends, no matter what age or generation they are from. I find it easier with your generation. You're not so modern and using social media in the same way mine and every younger generation do. I like writing letters. And although I've a phobia to call people; I enjoy talking to the few people I know over the phone rather than texting. Most of all; I enjoy doing things that make me feel alive together with others. Taking those long walks with you and Bella after my car accident and whenever I was home sick was one of those things I loved the most.

Thank you for everything, for being a grandmother in a way and one of my dearest friends.
And I'm sorry I'm so bad at being anything good in return and I'm sorry I sold my apartment to a woman who made you feel miserable and terrified in your own home. I wish I had known earlier.
I miss you so much.

[Eve Green]

So many things have changed lately that I don't feel like the life I'm living is my own. It's not that I don't feel like myself, although sometimes I don't, it's more like someone took and put me in someone else's life and no one but me noticed. I look around and it's my house, but some things are off so it's not my home. I still wake up in the same bed, in the same room everyday, but it feels like at any moment a stranger is going to take it all away because it was never really mine. I still wear jewelry, but none of it just because I think it's pretty. I feel like one day I'll show up to work and nobody will know who I am, because I wasn't the person in their story. I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and be truly alone, because none of it was mine, so why should they remember me? But mostly, I'm afraid that one day I'll look in the mirror, in my house, in my bathroom, and I won't see myself. I don't know if I'll see someone else or if there'll just be no one there, but deep down inside I'm afraid that one day the world will realize this life isn't mine and It'll erase me. I'll simply cease to be, forgotten in the place of someone else's life.

[raven [烏]]

hey 🦋,

it's been a week now since, hasn't it? there are no words to describe how much i miss you. i've been feeling awful lately, and i can only think about how much better it would be if you were around to bother me. your silly antics. i miss getting your texts throughout the day. there was always something to look forward to.

i hope papá holding that silly carebear i got him right now. and i hope he gets to see you smile. please make sure you say goodbye. tell him how much you love him, and that you'll miss him so very much. your papá bear. our papá bear.

i often find myself thinking of you throughout my day. perhaps it's some form of conditioning, from all the notifications i'd receive from you. and though you haven't spoken, there's this sense of knowing what might've happened; the reason for your silence. but i can't assume, can i? and i can't just show up to your apartment out of the blue on a hunch. so i'll wait for your text, your update. and god i pray i'm wrong.

i just wish there was more i could do for you and for papá. i love you. and im so sorry.

love,
your teddy ♡

[rudeboy]

Dear T,

I love you. I love you sincerely and truly and deeply, I love you so much it hurts. You never judge me for my stupid actions, my dumb mistakes, my attention-seeking stunts. You trust me with everything, and I can never describe to you how much that means to me. Everyone treats me like a liability, and maybe I am, maybe I can't be trusted or cared for ... but you do anyway. You treat me like a gift to be treasured, not like a bomb that could go off at any second. I've never had that before, not with anyone, not even with myself. You know my history, my idiocracy, and you watched me just pull the stupidest stunt of my life and didn't leave. I don't deserve that, not one bit. But here you are. I love you forever, I do. I'm so in love with you. Come see me someday. I want to show you what it's like here.

Dear A,

Wow, you're crazy, aren't you? You get me. You understand that behind my actions is not a desire for malice or chaos, that I think I'm being funny until I realize I've gone too far. Yeah, we went too far, didn't we? But we aren't like them, not really. You aren't as bad as your history makes you out to be, because I know you, I really know you. Yes, some things you've said made me question everything, but that's not who you are. I understand your desperate want for action, for something interesting to happen, for the stunts and jokes. We just went too far this time, and that's okay. We can come back from this. We aren't bad people, we just did something bad and stupid and mean. You aren't manipulative or dangerous. You're kind, you're caring, and even with low empathy you've been better at reassuring me during my splits and my bad thoughts better than most people have in the past. You're not what they say you are. You just need to be understood. You watched thirteen seasons so far of my absolutely unbearable show, just because I like it. You listen to my music with me and you let me talk about the silliest things, you never silenced me or made me feel unwanted or unimportant. Every time you tell me you appreciate me and like having me as a friend, I'm just like 'wow'. I'm so lucky to have you. I don't tell you enough, but I am so proud and appreciative of you. I love you, not in the same way of course, but I still love you deeply in a way that's hard for me to express straight to you. I love both of you with my whole being.

[.Vellichor.]

Starlight,

Well, it finally happened. I should be giddy but right now, I am quietly contemplative, and cautious. There's no avoiding the fact that things are going to be a little awkward at first, until the bruising from 3 years worth of both of our avoidance finally fades. But it's only going to fade if you keep your promise to communicate with me - and if I do the same. I need to see that you're serious about opening up before I can feel comfortable being as expressive in my devotion as I was before. I don't know how long that will take, but probably not too long, so long as both of our promises are kept.

"I love you."

You finally said it. Now just need you to show me that you mean it.

-Doctor

[Eve Green]

I want to reach out to you, even though you weren't close with J, because I need a sister to hold me in their arms, but I don't know how to start that conversation, and I feel like you wouldn't want to talk to me about her. I don't know why I feel that way, maybe because we fell out of touch? But all I can do is look at your name and wish you'd check in on me so I don't have to reach out first. I feel so alone, like everyone I see just looks through me without seeing the pain, I'm sure they see it though, maybe they just don't know what to do, I know I don't know what to do for dad, so we just mourn separately, hiding away our pain until it kills us. It's cold, and it's getting dark fast, soon I think I'll drown in the floodwaters. After all, there is no point fighting a battle to which the winner has already been crowned. I guess I'll keep screaming into the void, not knowing where to turn or if hope is even worth it.