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by sinensys » Thu Oct 05, 2023 7:18 pm
guilt, grief, and shame ---
the three sisters
weaving the lives
of those unsettled
by the crooked depth
of rational reasoning.
the external world
can only do so much
to smoothen the
outwardly-reaching wrinkles.
the ripples extend
their stunted arms
in search of some thought
on which to cling.
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sinensys
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by sinensys » Thu Nov 30, 2023 8:39 pm
how inept i am at perceiving my own self --- do i not even recognize myself in abstract form as i do to everyone else? why am i left without an icon in my catalogue of people? that catalogue isn't even that obscenely full to argue that i am out of storage space. i hold countless pieces of data, spun in a woven cloth of mental links and connections, but not memories outside of my inner world. those are lost to the unrelenting maw of the nothing. i get meaningless snapshot memories and some bits of experiences where i made a link to the database --- but even those are not personal. i struggle to chart down even basic facts about myself as an abstracted entity; it feels made up when i try to.
why have i lost myself to the long naught? and why do i have to fish pieces of myself out from that voidal lake and assemble them as one does with a puzzle?
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sinensys on Mon Sep 02, 2024 5:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
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sinensys
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by sinensys » Fri Jan 26, 2024 7:31 pm
even with that benevolent deathgrip pried wide, the jaw still aches. the immaterial projection of a future envisioned pulled me by the teeth down a beckoning path of promise. and that path has brought me great bounties, even if i chipped teeth in my attempt to clamp down on that prophetic glimpse. and i will continue down this path, but not before releasing the foreign spirit i latched onto. no, i must forcibly unclench my maw and realign the crooked misconceptions i have held onto so dearly for momentum. already i have released several, but not all of them. some, wrought by my own self, still remain hidden to me, even still today.
even with that benevolent deathgrip pried wide, the jaw still aches --- but not as much as the self. it burns to have been let down by such simple means, the hammer suddenly refusing to obey the carpenter and instead choosing to aim for stray fingers. it should not hurt as much as it does. a few expectations crack and yet i am the one to collapse. it's so stupid. it feels so stupid to be so drastically disarmed by seemingly simple and easily resolved complications.
the complications were, truly, my own fault --- and also not. the blunder was initially mine, by virtue of missing deadlines. bit ot is arguable that the pain was necessary: otherwise, i might have been compelled to dream. historically, dreaming has been the direct cause of pain and the birth forge of misconceptions. it is entirely possible i have woken up a fractal of myself from a trance i was unaware of. the jaw still aches and i feel betrayed, even if it will ultimately benefit me.
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sinensys
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by sinensys » Tue Mar 05, 2024 6:52 pm
the banality of it all is not lost on me --- and yet still i am surprised at my own emotional reactions. the unseen mechanism recoils and threatens to unwind, rusting springs i so carefully polished in the last few years. i am simultaneously eager to let this play out while also bargaining with the tensed coils within my stomach. i am enthralled by the fear of disconnection yet ready to unplug from a select few i never imagined removing myself from --- the snake-wrought self is more sensitive than i had hoped. how often i had prided myself on my emotional stability, how i ached when understanding that i would never be the machine i aspired to be. and now, how i yearn for a lifetime i do not recognize as my own.
some lilted serpent has wormed its way between us, and i do not know if removing it will do any good. some days, i think it is entirely possible that it must resolve without intervention, or that it may even require resolution. other days, i fear you may be their origin. i have my faults --- many, in fact --- but this which you blame me for is not mine. in my deficits i have stumbled, but you tread intentionally, and recall past excursions with a spiteful eagerness. i wish i understood why i have always seemed a threat to you; it has only ever been you who put yourself into my shadow.
i cast this out in the case we never speak: i have not tried hard enough in some ways, and you have the right to be upset about that. but you still hold an additional, petty grudge which i will not settle for. for years i have welded my words to construct aluminum behemoths on which to stand --- i will not burn energy needlessly only for you to decide i hate you.
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by sinensys » Sat Mar 09, 2024 3:07 am
the serpent within
my lower midsection
writhes more than usual,
as of late.
i have not heard
from that slanted muscle
in the last few months
so much as i have heard
from that crooked strength
in the last week.
i wish i knew how to
quell the beast,
and remind it that i
have no reason to
revert to old ways.
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sinensys
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by sinensys » Thu Apr 11, 2024 4:50 pm
i writhe beneath my own skin, a wyrm entombed in its own egg. the shell resists my persistent push and continues to bind me, a nauseating gauze for a wound improperly healed --- before, i might have preferred the safe calcium walls, but now they imprison me. how suddenly the once-benign structures of support can sour into malignant towers of self-repression --- or maybe i had just never tasted the acidic nature of the beams i had built. the energy expenditure of new supports frightens me, but the consequences of not doing so irks me more. one would think the two balance each other out, resulting in some small net displacement to propel me, but instead i am left paralyzed, currents pulled both down- and upstream. ultimately the opposing flows will churn me into a riptide, pulled from beneath my own self. my incessant coiling brings me ever nearer to the riptide, but it cannot be stopped. i fear it and impatiently await that moment's arrival.
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by sinensys » Thu Jun 27, 2024 8:49 pm
so you think yourself to be a knife in the darkness. is that right? does your breath reveal that deft swipe which splits the vacant nothingness, your exhale the strike and your inhale the resetting stance? does the glint beneath your lashes threaten the world, damascus steel shimmering with vertical saline paths? does the incessant brushing of the hilt with palms rattle in warning as a snake's, the anxious coiling waiting impatiently? perhaps you think it so.
but i do not see it as such. your net displacement never changes, each slash at the unfettered deep blue balancing the previous --- the tides at least carry force as they wax and wane. you, with all your writhing and alleged abruptness and so-called spontaneity, merely bob in the waves, counterclockwise from the left. the facade of incontinuity and the simultaneous desire to truly invest in a discrete number if habits and behaviors juxtapose one another; the cyclical immobility stabilized by brief sprints in completing long-term plans. the knife never reaches its unknown target.
although the wires in your brain may be unorthodox, the fact that you never noticed them is startling. too focused on the individual vectors, you have missed its sum until pointed out by a stranger within ten minutes of meeting you. you claim to be introspective and aware of the self, yet you missed such a significant trait. how can this be?
(the reflection doesn't respond meaningfully to me. i wonder when it will.)
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sinensys on Sun Sep 01, 2024 5:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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sinensys
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by sinensys » Fri Jun 28, 2024 7:17 pm
how wonderful it will be to be truly in control of my own self, and not enthralled by the illusion of choosing to be out of control. no longer will i be bound by the idea of change being merely the cycle of fixed constant states, each iteration pretending to be something new --- the cycle a divine usurper, and i its helpless puppet king. i fear i have overused the toast to new beginnings, but perhaps this time, things will be truly different.
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by sinensys » Mon Jul 01, 2024 8:34 pm
once more i have
bet against myself
and lost ---
perhaps the strings i
so desperately sought
to cut
have finally gone
lax,
leaving me with with my
limp reflection,
immobilized by my own
self-appointed sovereignty.
no longer am i
enthralled by the rapid
hypomanic bursts,
wisdom of some
benign and primeval deity,
and instead i am
constantly reminded
of the things i want to do.
they do not see themselves
through
as i had hoped they would.
as the puppet king waits,
unaided and still,
i remain alone.
(only the contents of
my stomach
defy the lack of tension
in my unwound strings.)
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