by SPARKL3D0G » Thu May 09, 2024 6:15 am
Dear S
If you saw me today you’d be proud of me, I wish I could tell you how well I did in my dressage competition (I mean I literally came first) but honestly I just wish I could tell you anything at all. I keep wanting to tell you every time something good happens to me or every time I get upset but I can’t tell you anything now, you’ll never know anything new about me and I’ll never know anything new about you and what hurts me is how I can’t add anything to my memory of you. I thought about you a few times today, I still dream about you as well but I can only remember how your voice sounded calling me “puppy” and I fear that some day I’ll forget your face considering I no longer have any access to the very few photos I had of you.
I don’t want to forget you, I saw a tiktok of someone saying about what song she wanted playing as she walked down the aisle at her wedding and it made me sad because I knew for so long what song I wanted for OUR wedding and it kills me we’ll never have that, I still can’t listen to that song since I lost you and it’s hard enough listening to the other songs that you sent me so I never play my music on shuffle because if one of those songs started without warning I think I’d cry. I’m trying not to cry now even if I had a great day, you’ll never know how my life turns out even though I planned to combine it with yours.
I would tell you all this if you were still around, I told you as much as I could when I knew our time was limited but it would never be enough even if we knew every moment of each other’s existence from womb to grave. I wanted to give everything and receive everything, I wanted to hold you so tight that neither of us could breathe but it would be fine because all we need to live is each other and please I hope that you know that even if things were difficult sometimes that I’ve loved you beyond the end of us and I will love you until after I die no matter how many other relationships I have or how good they are because even if they’re easier or objectively better I will still love you just as much as I do now.
I really hope that wherever you are that you’re doing as best as you can, I hope that if we’re right about what happens after you die that we can be together then.
I think tonight I might try to watch the last movie we watched together, I hope someday I can watch the second movie we ever watched again but the characters seem too much like us for me to handle it yet and it was tragic just like how our story was tragic. I honestly feel like romantic love makes me sad now, I’m at the point that I’m open to dating again but this time with different standards but I’m not going to seek anything out because I don’t really know if I can deal with someone else not instantly living up to you so maybe I should just think on it more.
I really wish you had sent me the box of presents you got me, it’s a bit silly but to have more stuff that came from you would have been really helpful but it’s ok I don’t blame you I’m not mad it just would have been a comfort
Edit
It’s 6 days later and I’ve found out you were worse than I thought you were, it was probably a miracle that I lost you when I did instead of when it was too late but it doesn’t stop me from hurting. I still love you even if you may not have loved me like you said you did, I don’t know if I would have been an exception or if what you did before was an exception but taking that risk would be stupid when I know what happens when you entertain bad men. I think you are right where you belong if what I read is true, I can accept what I knew about as I can’t judge my reflection but this was too far. Neither of us are pure, neither of us can judge much but some things I can’t get behind. I would have left you immediately upon finding this out had the decision not been made for me but I’m glad I was always somewhat safe. I feel sick that this is probably true, I feel sick that I loved you but most of all I feel sick that I let you ruin me, that I let you help me be worse.
Second edit, another 5 days later
I’m not mad anymore or upset at you, I understand you and I forgive everything you did. I love you and I still hope that you’re ok and that maybe some day I can find you again and we can at least talk even if a relationship is never in the cards again but I really hope that it can be. I’ve spent the entire day binge watching a show that I think you’d like, it’s extremely messed up and dark and if we could still talk I’d tell you about it, I’ll probably have some bizarre dreams tonight after watching it. I’ve missed you more than normal over the past week or so, it breaks me that I have to plan for a life without you in it so I try to distract myself with meaningless stuff and I wish I could just talk to you again, our last conversation was so short and I wish I did more for you when I had you especially in our last months when I was more distant and you deserved far better than what I gave you so I’m sorry for everything and I already apologised to you when we could still talk and I know you said it was fine but it’s not it never will be because we had limited time and I wasted it being awful to you and I’m so sad that we’ll never get to do anything that we planned on together like it’s just tragic
Last edited by
SPARKL3D0G on Wed May 22, 2024 6:23 am, edited 2 times in total.
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