Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[CryptidHunter_425]

Hi. Its me. Of course it is.

Im probably the one who ruined everything. Im the one factor that stayed consistant through out everything.

I lost D and G and that was not a reason to ruin what we had. Dr. P says its not my fault but how can it be anything else?

I lost you two -- my lovers --, I lost my dad, I lost my best friends. I ended up completely alone and I know its my fault because the only thing that stayed consisant was my presence.

I just want things back to the way they were, just like how D and G wanted it. We all just wanted things back to the before. Of course, not the before with X or with J, but the before with us. The five of us being able to hang out like we used to; the five of us being able to joke around and flick french fries at each other for no reason other than to be obnoxious.

We cant get that back. Now that G and D are gone, you two are also likely gone, my dads are gone, and Im alone.

But its fine. Dr. P is talking about some sort of new therapy thing she wants me to try out and maybe Ill try it. Apparently Y, T, and R all tried it and it made living with their struggles easier. Maybe itll help me.

So yeah, Im fine. Maybe not entirely, but Im getting there.

Im sorry for wronging you two, Im sorry for being the one to ruin everything, but Im going to still survive and thrive because I cant let the past hold me down.

Yours truly, S

[Kirari]

Dear W

I think if I continue to feel myself drifting away from you I will leave you, it’s not like I didn’t love you and I still wish you well but I just don’t think I can do something long distance anymore especially when you get upset if I don’t talk to you every day. I can’t handle the stress that you put on me as someone who needs my own space, I love socialising with people in real life but over the phone it takes a ton more energy which I don’t have most of the time and when I do have it you’re busy. It was easier before you had a job and I get that you need the job so that you can pay your bills and eventually get out of your home situation but now we have even less chances to talk. I don’t blame you when I’m thinking clearly although I really don’t want to talk to you at all now as I am splitting on you and I know that if we talk now I’ll just leave you, I mean I’ll probably do that anyways but I want to do it in a way that isn’t hurtful I’ve already done enough harm this year. I left you before but that was on an impulse, I’ve came close even more times and I wonder if you know that it will happen again, I’m not able to consistently love someone the way you do me. I really just wish you could understand me. One thing you do that really angers me is that you keep finding people that you want us both to befriend even if I’ve told you before that K is the only one I actually want to talk to as she gets us, you invited me to a server that literally has in the rules stuff that makes me feel unsafe knowingly. I suppose if I go through with this certain things will be ruined for me like a few songs I enjoy, your favourite animal, the current name I go by and so much else I will realise I’ve associated with you. There was a lot we were going to do together when you had your own place and I could fly over to see you, we talked about so much of our life we had planned and I wish you didn’t want me as much as you do that’s what makes this difficult. I know I don’t actually want to hurt you, I just want you to move on easily when I tell you my feelings. You’re the only man I’ve ever felt anything for other than something fleeting, something ruined the second I notice one thing that puts me off and I don’t know if I’ll find that again but it’s better that I try than lead you on giving less and less scraps of love until you realise you’ve wasted yourself with me. I’m not a good partner to you, you haven’t been perfect either but even when you upset me you hurt yourself more than you do me. You accept a lot of stuff about me and understand a lot of stuff about me that most wouldn’t, I’ve been lucky to be with someone like you but I think I need someone who won’t let me get away with as much. You have been through a lot, there is no way anyone who knows about you can deny that and I notice the sadness in you so this will feel like hurting an already injured creature, like my actions are pure evil, I just need to leave. I’ve been obsessed with someone before to the point I believed her to be my only purpose in life but to be on the other side is probably more difficult, I am not the type of person that anyone should rely on when I need far too much space and I will always try to get out of giving emotional support as I don’t know how. I want to just live in the real world from now on, especially since I’m not a kid anymore and actually have the freedom to go do things when I want to.
This got very ramble-y, I think I’m going to give it another day and I suppose when I do end it I’ll just have to delete you on everything we talk on. I’ll see if my feelings return for you after reminiscing a bit but I don’t think it’s fair to you to lead you on if I feel this way at all now

[lisica,]

T
Love u

[Oliverstorm]

oh, to dance with you is a pleasure i've come to know

to waltz 'round an axis we've created, to feel your body circle mine as i reciprocate the gesture
it takes two to tango

i close my eyes to perceive as blindly as you do
you inhale my sighs
these steps we share, whether clad in leather or bare
what spins us is immaculate ties

now i've accustomed to the duality of us

how am i ever to dance alone again?

[stardustreserve]

to cm

your birthday is in a few days, already…
i remember last year, your birthday fell on a day you would’ve worked
i didn’t get to see you that day, but _ recorded me saying happy birthday
geez, it’s been over a year since i saw you last, huh?
time flies

i…
i don’t really know how to feel.
i, got so attached to you that it hurts a little to even think of you
when you were around, everything seemed a lot nicer
i mean.., i still had my problems, but… you were there for me
with time i feel like it got to the point where i was so afraid of saying what was on my mind because i would always go to you, and i’ve always felt like people get tired of me after trying to help me for so long

i don’t even know how to organize this all to be cohesive
i just…
i feel embarrassed, i don’t know
whenever i get so attached to someone, it becomes hard to hide it
and i’m sure you noticed
you noticed things about me that i didn’t even notice, and i spend a lot of my time pondering and reflecting
i just…
i’m kind of scared that at some point i ruined it
like, maybe i seemed too attached
which… i was, and i just
feel so awkward, like i have this burden of knowledge
the knowledge of how i feel
i still have a lot of complicated feelings, but i. know i should probably say something
i mean…
love’s a hard word for me to say, but i did love you
and… you seemed to really care about me
i just feel like
people will think less of me when they pick up or see for themselves how i truly feel, or the person i truly am
especially in cases like these, i feel . really gross when i get too attached
i dunno i probably have issues i need to work out
either way
i just
i hope you’re doing well.
i’ve accomplished so much since then, and i hope i can tell you about it
i’m… in a better place than i was, objectively
but…
i miss the times we had.
nothing has made me as happy as those times, or even the times where i got to go on outings with the others
i hope that one day i’ll be able to smile like that again

- c

[Purgatory K9]

Dear Piper,

Yeah, you’re a dog—I know. You’re not just any dog to me though. You’re my everything.
My life is changing; I’m moving in with [S] soon and I can’t take you with due to travelling and college.
I have to rehome you soon.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I promise I love you. This is in your best interest.
I hope you forgive me.

I love you,
your mama

Dear me,

It gets better. You're finally learning to forgive yourself after all these years.

You were in a bad situation.

You're okay now.

Love you,
Your future self

[puffbabe]

Dear you,

I'm gonna let you go and I'm hoping that the universe allows us to find our way back to each other. I want you to be happy for now. I love you.

Love,
Me

[.Vellichor.]

K,

Thank you for talking to me. I felt things shift and I hope that my newfound honesty isn't off-putting.

I just do not want what we do have to fade before it has the chance to grow into something incredible. You always joked that I was always too coy about my feelings, so I'm not doing that anymore - I'm being real with you even if it scares me.

I hope that it makes you feel at ease, rather than terrified.

Also, this habit of talking to me while you drive, while a little nerve-wracking (PLEASE be safe, you nerd), gives me a warm fuzzy feeling... I like being present in the mundane moments in your life.


I love you, my dearest friend.

[>ShadowFangs<]

Dear S,
You're my first girlfriend and my first love. We've been together since I was 18 and so much has changed over the years. You make me feel understood and not alone and our personalities mix so well and what I'm about to say is completely unfair to you. I don't want to be together any more. I feel like I'm stuck in life and I want to figure out what I want to do as far as a career goes but I feel like I can't really discover things about myself while I'm in this relationship. I have told you since the beginning that I'm a person who values space. And for the past four years that hasn't changed and it isn't going to. But I hate conflict so much that I've always pushed my feelings away when it came to making you happy. With that being said though I do feel like I've always tried to communicate how I feel to some degree. I feel like it isn't right that every time you're off of work and I'm off of work we HAVE to be together. If we are not together while we're both off of work you get upset so I don't do that and I haven't for four years. My diet has completely changed for you because you get upset if you eat dinner alone and you know I don't have the biggest appetite I like to eat maybe 1 or 2 meals a day. But if I eat something at work and come home and I'm not hungry I have to eat anyways otherwise you won't. And most of the time you get off at 10:30 pm and I get off at 4:00 pm so when I'm home I just have to stay hungry until you're off. On top of that, even though I pay for all of our food you still have yelled at me countless nights over you not being satisfied with it. I'm so tired of arguing about food and dinner I wish we could just eat separately. I've pushed away literally all of my friends that I used to hang out with because if I hang out with them alone you get mad and if I bring you with you're mad the entire time and they can tell. It's awkward and I don't want to put my friends or family through that but I have multiple times. Financially, I'm a mess right now and I feel like you expect me to continue buying everything like I have for the past four years even though I've communicated several times that all of my credit cards are maxed out and I need to focus on paying that debt before I can just start throwing money around again. I don't blame the debt on you either, I'm the one who offered to pay for all of those things but I wish you would just understand that I'm stressed about it and I need to take care of it. I told you how I was considering a debt relief program to help with the interest and you yelled at me. You have never trusted me you think I don't know about all of the times you've gone through my phone when I've never touched yours once. I know that you saw a text where I said I thought one of my coworkers were hot. After you read that message you treated me like trash for over 4 months. You never even admitted to what you did or told me what was wrong I figured it out on my own. I think you have the right to be upset about the way I said what I did to my friend. You have no right to go through my phone or treat me like garbage. I'm allowed to be attracted to other people than you when I have absolutely no intention of pursuing anyone else. You ruined night two of the Taylor swift eras tour because you were convinced I had a crush on my twin sisters best friend which I do not. I value the time I get to spend with my sister as she is in the military and is in another state and I don't know how I can forgive you. You never even apologized to her or our friend who travelled with us. You tried breaking up with me on that trip and making everything about you. Sometimes it feels like you don't even care about anyone but yourself and your family. I feel like a part of the reason these past four years have gone by so fast is because I'm living for you. Like my daily purpose is to not upset you. And every day I just repeat the pattern. I don't want to keep living like this. If we were to get married today I know my life would be over and I would be stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. I told you that I don't want kids ever and that may still be true I don't know because I know I'm not ready for that type of commitment. And I might never be ready but you seem to think that I will just magically change my mind and I want to say that there is no way I would consider raising a child with you. Maybe someone else in the future or maybe if you completely changed but right now I would never put a child in that situation. You're the only girl I have ever been with but you still think I'm going to cheat on you and you always use the excuse that you are insecure. I've said this many times to you but I'll say it again. I'm insecure too. I'm one of the most insecure people I've ever seen. That doesn't give you the right to assume that I'm cheating on you all of the time. You get mad if I don't text or call you on my breaks/ lunch at work and when I'm home it's like I seriously cannot have a life outside if this relationship and I'm so tired. I'm exhausted and depressed and all I want to do is sleep for the rest of the year. Im tired of taking this one day at a time I want to think about my future. I want to live life like I used to before I was in a relationship. I want my time back I want to be able to do what I want and not be afraid to come home to an argument every night. I just really want to be alone. But I can't stand the thought of breaking your heart. It hurts me so bad to see you upset and I don't know how to tell you this in real life. I wish I could.

[harrington]

a,

i’ve been struggling with this for a while, and i continue to bounce this idea back in forth in my brain. it’s constantly on my mind, and i need to get it out. i don’t know what i’d do otherwise. i really, really, really, would like you to read this entire thing before responding. you know me - i’m neurotic and need to get all of my feelings out. i need to over-explain everything. i just want to make sure you completely understand where i’m coming from, and i hope that you can give me the patience that i need to express my feelings truthfully.

other the course of the past couple of months, i’ve grown to develop feelings for you. not “oh my god i’m in love with this guy” feelings, but more like “shoot, i want to be around this person way too much for it to just be friendship” feelings. it’s been truthfully very confusing and has been tearing me apart. i really don’t want to ruin our friendship. i care about you deeply and you are one of my good friends. i’m very happy to know you. i think this is what makes this so hard. watching my feelings from you drift from platonic to… not is something i’ve dreaded because i was so afraid of losing you as a friend. i *am* so afraid.

i don’t really know what to do with this information. i don’t even know if you’d even be interested in doing anything with it either. i don’t even know if you like guys, nonetheless trans ones. i don’t know where your feelings lie. i would be surprised if they were anything but platonic, but i wonder if you would ever would be curious. to explore? to try? could something even come out of this, or am i just saying it to say it? i don’t know anymore, and i’m afraid to find out.

i guess i just thought you deserved to know, if nothing else.

c