TheComfortCorner | V.10

[P0stHum4n]

lost

Life was bad, real bad. And I thought it would change.
It just got worse. No more hoping, too tired..

“ When the heart gets too filled with hurt, they don’t cry. They go silent.. completely silent. “

[♥ mizu]

cross posted because i usually get more help from chicken smoothie users and i would appreciate dms <3

i feel guilty and really bad. we had a city event. i've never really gone to one before because my parents don't like going out. but i went with my uncles, grandpa, and my dad. i saw a really pretty cotton set and it was $80. i asked my dad for 50 and he was like "no no that's too much no way are you kidding are you out of your mind are you nuts absolutely not jesus christ". i wasn't really surprised because i never ask for anything anymore because i know it's always no even though we're a comfortable family. but then one of my uncles gave me 50 and that was insanely nice. and then the lady gave it to me for 70

but like. my uncles were telling my dad how your kids are supposed to be your investment, your sunflower, your life. and how much they loved their children and how they bought them stuff if they wanted it sometimes. and my dad was just brushing them off. and it hurt so freaking bad. like it's not the material thing anymore. is he even proud of me? he always gets so angry with me. he's always frustrated. he always wants me to do jobs for him. it's always "[bliss], jesus christ, the garden's getting bad" or "you know what you can do, you can clean this f-ing mess" or "it looks like an eyesore you need to work on that" and like. i so rarely hear praise. it hurts. but he always wants to hear about how i'm going to make so much money, how i'm going to be a capitalist and not a lazy bum. how i'm going to "work my arse off" and not be an idiot. am i his sunflower, or just his investment?

his degradation is always so much more passionate than his praise. if he's happy, he'll just say it. "yeah that looks great. good for you. yeah. [bliss] i'm really proud of you." but his anger is so primal, so unintentional. it's what he truly feels, unfiltered. it's genuine. and it hurts so bad. because i never know if he's genuinely proud of me or not. i got this scholarship. i got it. dad, i got it. but i'm struggling in school and i;m sobbing so hard right now. but i'm so bothered. i've tried everything but i'm not doing well dad. please be kind. please just. please be more kind. also my dog just curled up next to me and it feels so nice to hug something warm and furry it feels like he cares it's such a freaking good feeling

i just feel so guilty and self conscious. i hope i meet their expectations when they next see me. i feel so ugly right now. i really do. it just brings up so many bad memories. i haven't cried in so long and i haven't genuinely felt sadness either. but i feel so bad. i hope all i need is a shower because my hair is kind of greasy but. i feel so ugly. i really do. i love this dress but i don't want to look stupid for trying. like. i don't know. sometimes i feel like i'm trying to hard too be pretty and people know. do they know how i feel about myself? do they think i'm ugly too? do they think i am deteriorating the beauty of the dress? because that's how i feel sometimes. but sometimes i feel pretty. and when i do it's the greatest feeling. but having somebody else essentially buy something for me makes me feel guilty because what if they invest in me and they don't like how i look in it. it's a pretty dress. but i tried it on for my dad and he was just like "yeah it looks good" but he wasn't really thrilled. he's never happy with anything i do. i just feel so sad. but i don't want to live with my mom. i always feel bad with both of them.

i love my uncles and my grandpa. my grandpa is so cute. i love him so much. he made me show my art to my uncle who is a really famous artist in the area and he thought it was neat and he told me more about his whole life and that was nice. but my grandpa is the old mayor and it meant a lot when he told me he was proud of me. i just wish my dad told me that more often. i know everybody has their own love languages and i shouldn't attach "love" to physical or emotional objects/experiences but sometimes it is hard to just take somebody's word that they love you. i know he does and i shouldn't doubt it but i do wish he expressed it more.

i guess i should list the ways he shows he loves me though.

1. if i want to stop in a store to browse or something he lets me do it sometimes after work while he sits in the parking lot
2. he makes dinner
3. if i want cookies sometimes he will buy them
4. he tells me all about his hobbies and childhood
5. one time he found an old beanie baby he gave me and he showed it to me and now i keep it in my room on my shelf and it makes me happy sometimes to look at

[OKULTRA]

really really stupid rant below v

oogh im so freaking embarrassed. my social anxiety is actually IMPRESSIVE . im doing a secret santa with my closest irl friend and a bunch of his friends that i dont really know that well ... i said yes because 1. i love doing gift art (STUPID IDEA!!!!! I HAVE SO MUCH OWED ART RN) 2. i want to make my friend happy by participating and 3. i wanted to get closer to everyone ! dawg. it backfired. so hard . the thing is , they'd already done secret santa last year and so they all already had their lists for what they wanted right . they'd already talked over it some though and i just felt . awkward . posting mine in the middle of their conversation, so i held off ..... hoping that someone else would post their list next and i could do it w them ! I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT MY LIST !!!!!!! AND IT STAYED THAT WAY UNTIL IT WAS TIME FOR PPL TO RECEIVE THEIR SANTAS!!!!!! :sob: :sob: and then they started the selecting early . and 1. my nickname isnt even set in that server so they Dont even know my NAME DUDE and 2. whoever received me Didnt even have a list to go off of yet because i was so freaked out. so i dm my friend and im like , panicking and im like.... could you post my list for me please. because that in my brain seemed like it might soften the blow of me being late or whatever ... and hes like yea of course ! does it for me and immediately someone says "why did u post it for them lmao" 4L6#$?>%$#?^<#@?$><@ KLJHTSREPTAIU SGIHKFGDNM/. I FELT LIKE DYING !!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT THEN AND THERE oh my GOD my social anxiety really just picks the stupidest things to be deathly afraid of. the SIMPLEST, most NONSENSICAL, TRIVIAL things are MASSIVE ROADBLOCKS for me FOR NO REASON!!!!!! I HATE BEING SO SCARED OF BASIC CONVERSATION RAHHHGH

also i really hate being such a jealous/possessive lover its not nearly as cool as everyone thinks it is when theyre all like "i want my girl crazy!" no i got nauseous when nmy boyfriend told me he went to a party o(-( so stupid im so dumb man so tired of today

[Spottedbird]

it's been quite a while since i've popped on here and unloaded. i've gotten into journaling since i last posted something here, but so much happened that i ended up burning my journal recently because i couldn't handle even looking at it anymore. this will suffice for now.

where do i even begin?

both of my grandparents, whom i had been living with, passed away a year ago. my grandmother passed away first, peacefully. my grandfather followed not long after, but he suffered before going. all i could do was stand by and watch his home aide try and save him, while my uncle and i called 911. he passed away before any help could arrive. i was never fond of him, he was abusive and morally questionable, but nobody deserves to pass the way he did. i've processed their passing already, but i still miss them sometimes.

my (ex) girlfriend of four years broke up with me a couple of months before then. it was... a wild ride. the relationship was falling apart rapidly after she essentially cheated on me. she claimed that she had fallen in love with a man she had just met, and they flirted via messages and in voice calls, sometimes right in front of me. they both tried to pressure me into a poly relationship after i found out, and because i was so scared of losing her, i told them i'd consider it if they gave me time. i am not polyamorous whatsoever, and i knew this. still, i had decided that i was going to enter a poly relationship to make her happy. before i could announce my decision, however, the man dipped out at the last second, claiming he was "actually aromantic" and "broke up" with my ex all in one swift motion. my ex then broke up with me when she realized that our relationship was completely tarnished after everything. i honestly felt more relieved than mournful, especially after the turmoil i went through during that whole spectacle.

of course, the drama didn't stop there. i stayed single for a long while after that, but i started talking to one of our mutual friends more. we all share a friend group, and we've all been friends for over four years. i had never been particularly close with him. he and i used to butt heads a lot, so it was nice to talk to him more and realize that we had a lot in common. i became a little attracted to him (a surprise to me, since i had always identified as lesbian, which is not the case at all now) and soon enough, i fell for him after a couple of months. it turned out that he felt the same for me, and we started dating. i fell for him even harder. dare i say i fell in love? we met each other in person shortly after, and it was the best week of my life. i had many firsts that week, including my first ever kiss. it truly was magical, and i was so into this boy. i couldn't wait for the next visit. but, of course, the bliss didn't last long. he started a new job, and slowly started putting less effort into the relationship. i gave him time to adjust to his new schedule and job, and communicated the issue to him multiple times. months went by, and nothing got better. we barely spoke anymore, and my mental health took a dangerous dive because of that. i truly don't believe i'd still be here if it weren't for my friends, who supported me during the end of our relationship. i broke it off in december of last year. it took me until very recently to get over him.

oh yeah, not to mention my cancer scare that ended up just being mono. lots of bloodwork and doctor's appointments. not fun.

unfortunately, i believe these past couple of years have left me a little more than emotionally scarred. it took me a while to come to this conclusion, and i understand that acknowledging it is a step in the right direction, but i'm not quite sure how to move forward from this point. my self esteem is basically non-existent now - i truly believe i was never meant for love of any kind. nearly everyone that i've loved platonically, romantically, what have you, has left me. i just feel so empty all day, every day. i wish there were some fundamental reason why this always seems to happen to me, so i could identify it and be rid of it. all i want is to feel loved and love unconditionally. i crave nothing more than closeness with another, and yet that seems virtually impossible for me to have in this lifetime.

[♥ mizu]

im sobbing so hard right now i hate living with you i hate this i feel hideous inside and out i cant live with you im going to call the hospital on myself if this gets nay worse

[♥ mizu]

i just want this pain to be over (i'm not saying that in a worrying way dont ban me mods please) i just want to talk to somebody i love i want to be held. i want to feel better somebody please oh myg od i haven't cried this much in so long i cant do this i feel disgusting and i want to just. i want to be at least talked to by my parents i just feel so miniscule they don't love me why cant i just be appreciated i feel so self centered they dont love me my parents dont love me. wjy would anyone else i feel horrendous why cant i just feel loved i love everything and everyone what have i done to be so unlovable i feel so narcissistic right now please o hmy god i just want to be held

i havent been able to see my horse ina year and he is all alone and unridden and i cant drive so he just sits there and my mom has to pay for him and i miss him so bad bbut i wish he would feel how loved he is but i knowo he would be better taken careof by other people i just know he would be happier with somebody else and my dog dexter i love him so so so so sos os oso much but he is getting older and i feel likei won't bee able to go on without him and my fish cosmo he's a fish i dont know what else tosay but he glub glub glubs at me sometimes i wish h e knew how much i loved him i just i feel so bad i feel like i dont take care of my pets emotionally im just as bad as my parents

update im still glum but like im working on ocs and that has calmed me down but i will probably be back

[neapolitan]

wooo

[gamer]

he he :-)

[twilispark]

it's not getting better. i'm done trying

[nope.]

going on ten years on this website and haven't made any lasting friendships. atp i wonder if it's something wrong with me...