TheComfortCorner | V.9

[Jarex]

my art teacher is so annoying...she gave me a 3 on my work (for context, grades in my country are from 1-5, 5 is the best and 1 is the worst) because it was unfinished; but the thing is, it's not my fault either, because when I thought it was done and showed it to her, she didn't like it! "the background's blank," she complains. "colour the background!" so that means I have to get back to my desk and start working on that stupid background which will take me FOREVER. because unlike the rest of my class, I don't rush my work! I take time! I focus on the little details to make sure it actually looks nice! she's that kind of teacher who pinpoints all the little details and wants everything to be PERFECT. absolutely FLAWLESS. and she just gives me a 3 like it's my fault? sorry for TRYING!
I'm actually one of the only ones that sits quietly and listens to the teacher and DOES MY WORK PROPERLY. the rest of the class rushes their work and yells the whole time, but the difference in the quality of our work is stellar! did she not even think about that? I guess not!
I don't even get how you're supposed to grade art in the first place, there's no rules to art...there's no right or wrong answer...I bet that teacher gave all the kids that don't do any work 5s because their half-assed work is finished and has a background or whatever. but she couldn't even give me a 4 at the very least for my drawing's quality? not even for my effort? it's like the thought doesn't matter at all. I really hate school sometimes

[oddish]

i'm so tired. and i'm filthy. i work full-time. and when i'm not it's like i can't move. my dad won't let me seek help, but still punishes negative behaviors that are obvious symptoms that there is something wrong with me. and i'm not allowed to move out. it's like it's hopeless. can't do anything but work and rot and get yelled at. no fixing me.

[bubbaberriboo]

probably because i haven't taken my meds in like two weeks but i suddenly feel unsafe. love that for me

[mcr]

you came back
but why

[screamingrainfrog]

I was trying to sleep but my brain woke me up, I'm pretty sure it's my meds because I keep waking up at random times but now my brain is thinking. It's like a dulled ache, I don't feel completely consumed by it but it's there. Ty antidepressants ig.
It's kinda funny how my needs are so simple yet somehow impossible to be met. All I want is to feel safe, wanted and loved securely. But apparently that's wanting too much. Apparently I'm of no use unless I work. Apparently I won't be wanted anymore unless I am useful. I can't just exist, I have to earn my existence but I didn't ask to be here. I don't understand why I have to pay to be alive and have a home, have a family of some sort.
I know I'm not wanted, I've known since I came here and the longer I stay the more unwanted I am. I don't know what to do. At family dinners it feels like I'm the outsider, walking through to get food I feel like I am taking resources I shouldn't be, sleeping in this bed I feel I am taking a place I shouldn't be. I've felt like this before though, for such a long time. I've been an outsider since my gran died, maybe an outsider before then too. Like some sort of alien that shouldn't be here. All I want is to be loved, all I want is a friend I don't understand why everyone dislikes me so.
I feel like one person cares but I don't know if its genuine, so many people have told me that they cared and that they loved me but where are they now. I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
Anyway, I'm going to hug my teddy bear and try go to sleep, at least I've got him :')
Also it's raining, I wish I could go outside and lay down under it and just be washed away, just soak into the earth and become moss or something.

[67Phlox]

.

[DizzyGlitchez]

Why do people think it's so easy for me to make friends? Why do people think I can just confidently ask others to hang out with me? It's not like that. Not when nobody in real life cares as much as I do about the things I like. Not when I can barely hold a conversation. Not when I'm overthinking every damn thing I do just so I don't look weird or say weird things.

[azemyc]

You weren't supposed to get sick.
This wasn't supposed to happen.

[viles]

• the Thinking is bad today. brain does not know how to act and i am not happy with it. idk i just feel so...unjustifiably hopeless today. like yeah my situation isn't great but all things considered i'm not like,, in the worst place to be. but idk my brain is just,, idk. ig my attitude towards my situation is so defeated and idk what to do about it yk? i've been in my head the past couple of days,, hanging out with my imaginary friend, and it's fun and nice but like idk,, when i don't have irl friends and i'm not doing anything with my life,, it's like,, should i really be spending my time playing genshin while pretending to discuss the minions movie ???? idk i don't want to call it maladaptive daydreaming bc those are Big Words and i haven't fully researched it but like,,, i'll just say i don't think this is healthy???? like idk i just,, it feels like i can only be happy in a hypothetical and fictional life i've thought up for myself. idk. i just,, i don't have any goals. i used to be like 'yeah i want a boyfriend and friends!!!' and like even if i didn't have career motivations the thought of being Social and having people who see and love me for who i am was just like,, everything to me,,, but also like, idk. i don't feel like i'm in a spot where i'm really allowed to have friends, yk? i feel like i've got issues i need to work through before i even should be searching out irl friendships and relationships (well part of it has to do with the heavy transphobia in the area i live in),,, and like i know that's not a good mindset to have bc it's really only allowing me to further isolate myself but like :shrug: idk. and i mean even if i didn't have that mindset there's not any places i could go to irl to make friends??? like idk what to do and i just feel like every day i'm supposed to be doing stuff and getting a job but like idk i'm just,,, it just seems so Much to do and i,,, the thought of going and doing things and being a person i just feel like i cant handle that event hough i probably could and i'm just using my mental instability as an excuse to avoid responsibility
  
  oh and also i need to talk about the interview i went to a couple of weeks ago (ig that's how much time has passed at this point??? idk my days blend together and my memory is awful and it doesnt even matter so why am i thinking about it) bc omg was it so unmotivating,, like i was trying to think of answers to common interview questions, and i kept going over them in my head,, but then i got there,, well one i got there early, like ten minutes early bc i wanted to show that like i am punctual bc i'm a pretty punctual person ykyk but the person who was interviewing me ended up being late?? so i had to stand around for fifteen minutes and i felt so dumb just looking around at the place,, so i started looking at my phone and i was on my phone when they walked up to me so already my first impression was Not Good,, and then i get into the interview and they wanted like,, hyper-specific scenarios from my past jobs and idk i tried to answer them as best as i could but i was really shaken and i just,,, aaa it wasn't anything like i prepared for and i haven't heard back and i wanna cry bc i felt like i couldn't get a job and this interview seemed like a good opportunity bc it was like 'whoa someone replied to me application really quickly!!!!!' and then the interview was the day after the response so it seemed like,, they were pretty interested in me specifically but then the person hadn't even looked over my resume and i did a bad job of answering the questions,,, and like i even lied and made up scenarios bc i was nervous and so thrown but my lies weren't even good and it was just,,, really frustrating and disappointing,,, i mean the position was part-time not full-time like i need,, so it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway but,, idk it would have been nice to be able to work and feel like i'm doing things with my life,, idk ig i've been avoiding confronting my feelings about the interview bc i just,,, felt really bad afterwards,, and so that's probably why i feel so hopeless rn bc in a way,,, my Extreme brain is like 'you're never gonna be able to get a job' and like,,, idk it has a point LMAO idk i think i could get a job eventually maybe but nothing i could actually support myself with and i just,, i suck at talking to people and i have social anxiety and i can barely handle phone calls on a good day how am i supposed to keep at it and keep applying and keep interviewing when i don't even believe in my capabilities to handle the whole jobhunting process and like idk skdjfhskdjfh im being dramatic bc i sent out four applications and got one interview it's not like i've been rejected one hundred times i'm just,,, aaa it was just such a blow bc i thought i could improve my life and now i feel like i cant again

[bubbaberriboo]

wooo time to lose interest in all the things fun in my life and lay in bed and sleep all day and just be a useless pile of flesh and a waste of oxygen