Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[Nick]

Honestly I know it was strange to appear at your door after years, don't get me wrong. I wanted to apologize and tell you how much I regretted the things I said. For being afraid. The part of my fueled by romcoms even had hope that you'd be overjoyed. That you'd still look at me like when we were young. When you pulled me into your arms I was so sure I was right, that you understood. For some selfish reason I didn't think that you'd have a partner. And I'm so happy for you, don't mistake my words. But when I asked if we could catch up and you told me your girlfriend might not like the idea, my heart plummeted. I laughed it off, and told you that I understood. That you could explain to her that I'm married anyway. It even hurt that you didn't seem phased by that. Is that strange? I'd come to tell you my life was going all wrong, that I shouldn't have told you not to come that day. You were going to drive 200 miles to see if we still had a spark, but I was so afraid of rejection. So afraid you would see all my faults and flaws and I'd never see you again. So scared that I mssed it up. I married a man who yells at me. Who doesn't appreciate me. Who I have to placate to keep the peace. I'm miserable and it's all my fault. Perhaps the worst part is that I understand why your girlfriend doesn't like the idea. Not that I'm a homewrecker, but if I were her I'd be a little suspicious of the girl who knocked on your door after all those years.

[Soy Sauce]

B,

Have you ever thought about how horrible I make you feel? You get so mad and sad around me. I say stupid stuff and make stupid jokes. I hurt your feeling and make you feel bad about yourself. How can you possibly love someone like that? All I do is ruin everything and cry about it. Im so sorry for everything.

G

[chevi]

N,

The way i see it, i could send this letter if i wanted to, but i don't think you deserve a singular thought of me in your head, let alone a letter. You need to get out of my dreams, seriously. I feel that i am cursed to think of you every moment something goes slightly wrong. I feel that i will never stop feeling this way. but hey, ive been pretending for this long, huh? When you left, you left behind your soul everywhere that mine may wonder. You left it standing in the corner of my room, laughing. You left it sleeping peacefully on my bed in the early hours of the morning. You left it in every volkswagen or car with a bike rack on the roof. You left it in every mechanic shop and every oil slicked hand, for they all smell like you. I can't shake the feeling that you are there, that you haunt me no matter where i go.

forever waiting patiently, C

[Piera]

Dear Kids Parent, maybe don't send your kid to their extracurricular class if they've got the flu.
Signed me, currently very flu-y.

[Noni Gailin Ayrenin~]

Dear friendo, or yeehaw boi, or whatever you feel like being rn,

----

First of all, I write this knowing full well that you may come across it. You are not as sneaky as you think you are and nor am I. Secondly, I should acknowledge the...Danger, perhaps, that comes with that. I've never been as good at not stepping on peoples toes as I like to think I am. Lastly, I need you to know that no matter what comes of anything, you will always be a permanent fixture in my mind. There will always be a pull back to you that I can't explain.

I miss you. I hear from you almost every day, if not every other, but I miss you. We don't speak the way we used to, and I have long since acknowledged that I am, in a large way, to blame for that. But I find myself missing the deeper connection it felt we had in the past. Perhaps it was only an illusion cast on me by the frequency of our late night conversations; the only time we'd hear each others voices. And maybe that's the part I miss; what depth could truly come from teenagers at 2am? I hardly remember the conversations themselves. But there was a comfort, in having our scheduled little time together. As with many things, though, time has changed us.

Both of our worlds crumbled. Not as a result thereof, but in it's own way had a domino effect like the tearing of wounds we'd not known we had. We bled in different ways, different places. Separate, we cleaned these wounds as they continually tore themselves anew, sometimes overnight. Time has been neither kind, nor cruel. We came back to each other no better than we'd started, really. We saw the scars we placed. And then we saw the new wounds. Trivial now, seems the matters of long ago, and the freshly earned stitches of only yesterday. And still it felt as though, in the absence of those things, a desperate chill had settled in our bones. Warmth had run from tones, dissipating into the air and leaving cold stone to interpret the temperate nature of playful phrases and heavy seeds underlying worry.

We see each other broken, though not of each others hands. A weight has found a home in us, bound itself to our cores and likened itself to the daunting size of the world. Swaying in silence lest the noise disturb the frail sense of comfort that comes from our threads. Familiarity forms a live line of electric pulse, liquefying to melt in the long forgotten borrows dug by those seeking only to steal the warmth from the roots of our person. Warmth that finds us home. Home, I could only hope, we can find mutually between us.

But I find myself unable to gage the receptivity of this notion. It feels as though you're much more guarded, this time around. Not that I can say I blame you, of course. But it makes it...harder, to fight off this nagging sensation that i'm being kept at arms length for reasons well beyond my current grasp. And it leaves me to wonder why, outside of the blatant and obvious, because I couldn't hazard a guess as to what could be the new cause. It's painful, but in a way I'm not even sure I have the right, anymore, to feel. I'm....not sure I have the right to be the one who feels lost. But I know just as well, that i'd rather stir in my own confusion than to lose you again. So, writing here I sit, cursing the fire that's lit, for causing me to go have this emotional fit.


Of course, these thoughts could all just be a mirage, swimming along in my imagination to keep me from some sort of greater, more painful realization. Or i'm nuts. I could just be 100% nuts. You tell me. Or don't. I'm not so sure I want the answer, as much as it would end my pseudo philosophical monologuing.

---

Signed, the child who cannot for the life of her figure out emotions,
Noni

[bloodclot]

dear hector

when they said the grieving process was going to be up and down, they were right. I don't cry for you every day anymorre, but that doesn't mean theres a day that goes by that i do not think of you. some days im doing great and others,, well i miss you so much that it hurts. sometimes when i talk about you to my friends, all i can remember are the memories and not the fact that youre not here anymore, than i remember... its torture you not being here. i dont think you'd have any idea about all of the hurt and pain you caused just by not being here anymore. theres a lot left unsaid, but it doesnt feel right when i cant say it all to your face. i miss you every single day

[nerf this!]

dear s,

i miss you. i still havent been able to get over losing you because it hurt me so bad. its almost the new year and i wish i could just get over you, but i cant. you were my closest friend. my dearest friend. i thought we were going to last forever. i thought the good times were going to last forever, and we could sculpt together all day and talk about games and cartoons we liked. i wanted it to last forever. i wish we were still on good terms with each other... but i understand your decision. we both messed up and i wanted to fix it, but you were done, and im sorry.

sometimes i hope that you think about me, too.

[xXShadowKillerXx]

Dear S,
I hate to see you ignoring me but talk to everyone else. It makes me feel left out when I see you do this. I should probably leave you alone but I can't when I have feelings for you. You are one of my best friends and one of the few people I actually trust. Everyone says I am fine and I will get over it but I don't think I will it just hurts too much. Hope to get to talk to you soon
Love, Shadow

[CavQueen]

dear ****,
i love you so much. obviously not romantic love, just friend love. you are the most amazing person. im not worth your time. im the worst friend you could get. im so scared of you. i lie awake at night, stressing over everything. what's wrong with me? i hate myself. i love myself. im sorry.

with all the pieces of my shattered heart,
sunny

[chevi]

N,

i had ANOTHER dream about you last night. in the dream you drove to my grandmas house, you explained everything to me and we forgave each other. you were there for christmas, it was just like old times yaknow. i cheated on my boyfriend with you in this dream. i woke up with him beside me and i felt sick. i told you to get out of my head please just get out of my head. i am becoming a worse person because of this. i am meaner to the people around me. i mean jesus, its been almost a year now, its pathetic of me really. you arent thinking of me! so why am i the one left tortured with these thoughts and dreams when youre the one that hurt me. i should be moved on but im not so why are you so okay? i have a boyfriend now who loves me so much and whom i love more than anything on this earth so why wont you leave my head? maybe i moved on to fast, ill admit it but as somebody who doesnt believe in a higher power im asking the universe for forgiveness. please release me from this.

forever patiently waiting, J