Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[Skull.Vincent]

Dear Myself,

Im not sure exactly how people do it, working every single day, being okay with just working and working until retirement. It's difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I'll always be working. Maybe its because I work a close to mimum wage job, waking up at 4:30am every day, and at a fast food restaurant, burning myself out because i never get enough sleep, Im always tired, I stand for 9 1/2 hours and when I get back from work my feet and legs hurt so bad. Or maybe its because people at my job arent great, I havent been able to make friends, my managers belittle me and get angry for mistakes, but its completely fine if they make the same mistakes, even though Ive been told im a really good employee and got record time in the drive thru my manager took a picture of because im really fast and efficient on sandwiches. Or maybe its because I'm trying to survive in an economy
where the cost of living keeps skyrocketing and I never feel like I have enough money to save, I feel like im surviving and not living, Im barely scraping by and im struggling. Or maybe its because im still going to school and school is extremely expensive and ill have to take loans out this semester and Im scared i wont be able to afford going to dental school even though I really want to do that, but I dont qualify for scholarships or grants because Im not married so my income is based off my dad's, even though hes not making enough to help me through school. Or maybe its because my parents are struggling and were going to lose the house were in now if my parents divorce and everything just seems like its collapsing. In order to go to school and survive, I have to go to work. Work is burning me out and stressing me out and I havent even been working here for very long (relatively). I feel lazy if I quit, and my dad will be disappointed in me if I dont just tough it out until school starts again. I guess I just dont know what to do and how long I can handle being in state of constant pure survival like this.

[.destiny]

i don't know who this is for. i just feel miserable.

i hate feeling as though i will forever be a broken person. but everything adds up to that. i have not healed. i have not begun any sort of progress towards healing. i haven't been back at therapy in six months due to finances and it's truly tearing me apart. i haven't felt safe in months. i just want to be happy, i don't want to be like this anymore. but i don't know what to do to get out.

i just want to ask the people who have hurt me; what could i have done differently? i know that my best isn't always enough, but i have always wanted to try my hardest for you. there was something missing and i never knew. i don't know what i did to deserve any of this. it's truly agonizing. all i can say is that i'm sorry. i'm sorry for who i am and for who i am not. i am sorry for not doing enough for any of you. i've wanted to try and fix any damage i’ve caused that made you act the way you did and feel the things you did. but i don’t know what i did. but i'm sorry for all of it.

getting closure from any of you is not worth trying for anymore. i have tried and yet, there were no answers. i can't force myself to listen to the reasons as to why you hurt me and did the things you did. i understand that my actions or even inaction may have caused you to lash out. most days i wonder what i could've done differently. perhaps never existing at all would've been the best choice.

i don't want to feel hurt anymore. but that's all i feel nowadays. to 2019 to now, it has been constant pain and suffering. there is always something new to deal with. i cannot handle it anymore. i'm doing my best, i genuinely am. but it is not enough. my best has not been enough for probably ten years. it is agonizing. i don't understand who i need to be so that someone can stop hurting me. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to even say.

i feel so alone and so terrified. i'm terrified over one person and, at this point in time, it feels like they will forever hold a grip around my life and control it as they please, despite them not being in my life for a long while now. i tried my best for you. i'm sorry i couldn't give you what you needed. but you terrify me. the pain that you have left me with it unbearable. my identity does not feel like my own. the reason why i care so much and love people so much is because of you. because i wanted to do everything i could for you. but it never mattered in the end. now experiencing that, i want my love and support to matter to someone. to anyone. it will truly tear me apart if everything i've done ends up not meaning anything again.

i just want to mean something to someone again. i feel so lonely. it feels like i've been left behind to deal with everything by myself because everyone has moved on.

[Trexxa]

dear j.

been closing in on a week since I messaged you now and I still have yet to hear a reply. I'd like to assume you not responding isn't intentional... hope that's the case, anyway. either way, I can tell we're really starting to grow distanced from one another. your responses haven't exactly been timely for many weeks now. the last time we saw each other in person was about five months ago. it has me saddened, it really does.

I haven't known you for a long time - not well, anyway, but you've been an important part of my life this past year and a half. I'm so glad I met you right after I had to step out of school. I think this past year and a half would have been much, much harder without you. you've been one of very few people in my life to really make an effort to reach out, and to be able to read my smallest cues, and to tell exactly what I need, when I need it. but it seems distance is now going to separate us, just like it's separated me from every other friend I've had in my life.

I'm really tired of my friendships not lasting more than a year - or a couple years, at the very best. I simply cannot wrap my head around how other people can have the same friends for years, decades, sometimes their whole lives. what are they doing that I'm not? am I just not making enough effort to show interest, and reach out? but why is it then I'm always the one doing the reaching out at the end?? I just don't get it. I wish there was something I could do to reignite the spark, to bring you back before it's too late. I want to hope you just set my message aside to respond later and just completely happened to forget. but I know the warning signs too well at this point.

I have a good friend group at my job now. and I'm certain I'll make some other new friends when I make my return to school in a few weeks. but that doesn't mean I'll ever fully forget about you. I'm already expecting I'm not going to hear from you again, but if I do, I'm guessing it'll be one of the last times. and, if I'm right, I hope life treats you well. just know I'll still be thinking about you though. I'll always miss you, and all the good times we had. just as I'll always miss all the others that also faded out of my life.

[❦Acidic-Tea❦]

Dear Mum,
I think I have bpd and it's really starting to consume my life. I've told you time and time again yet you still say I don't tell you anything. If I could've done something on my own I would've. It really is getting out of hand now. I have periods of time when I'm happy and motivated. I focus on my work, I get everything done, I have so much motivation and then the next it's gone. I'm so unmotivated I can't leave my bed, I let all of my homework rot on my desk next to the half-filled moldy containers of food, I neglect my pets and myself. You don't even care. When I'm happy I feel like I can do anything, I feel so great about myself and everything around me. But when I'm not I let myself d*e a little more, I let myself crumble away, I start to feel like nothing matters, and no matter how much I tell myself "You have to go feed Wilbur and Dipper" "Your hair is greasy you should take a shower" "Let's put down the phone and do some exercise" "Your friends are worried you should text them back" "You have to do those projects they're worth half your grade" "If you don't take care of Wilbur and Dipper they'll d*e Nothing ever comes of it. I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Whenever I try to reach out to you I'm shut down. Whenever I try to explain things to you I'm met with doubt and disbelief. I can't keep getting dragged down by my own thoughts every other month, please, just this once, believe me.

[outro;tear]

dear .

i wish i could get along with you. i really do. i pray and pray that we only arent getting along due to some language barrier or misunderstanding. but clearly im misunderstood. sometimes i dont even want to be within 1000km of you . but as long as im here , so are you. and i dont know how to deal with it.

everybody tells me i should love you- or at least understand you. and im trying. i really am. but sometimes i wish youd go away so id never see you again, or disappear like youve never existed ever. sometimes i wish i would disappear forever so it would be easier on you. the hilarity of it all, doing a great service, my love language, to the person i never want to love again.

maybe one day you will understand why i never talk to you, visit your room to chat, or open up about anything. perhaps i will make the day happen myself, but as youre aware im too much of a wuss to do anything. so live in ignorance all you want, maybe

-c

[fledermaus]

D,
I'm so grateful that you're a part of my life and I wish I could adequately describe the ways you've helped me grow and flourish as a person. I still have a long way to go, but I don't think I would have gotten even close to this without your advice and guidance. I have always respected your strength and logical thinking. I have looked up to you since day one. You're funny, witty, considerate, and hard-working. You're the best sister I could ask for, and when I stood telling our parents of my transition and setting boundaries, I was never more proud to have someone so important there to back me up. I really hope you get what you want out of life, and I hope I never stand in your way of getting it.

[bloodclot]

my dear friend H.


I think of you more than you would have ever imagined. i know im not the only one who cant get you out of their head.
and i know you think no one cares, no one ever did, no one ever will, and if they do, it's only when you're gone. but i thought about you all of the time. you used to say such worrying things to me, and i never stopped thinking about them. never. when i told you, that you were one of my bestest friends, i meant it. when you told me i was your best friend, i did not take it with a pinch of salt. when you would tell me that you love me, i knew you meant it, because it was coming from you. you definitely didn't say it much to me, but when you did, i knew you meant it. and i will always love you. you're in my soul, forever. you were always apart of my soul the day you came into my life. i will never ever ever, forget you... you are not supposed to be gone.

i have so so so so so much to say to you eyebrows, but my mind cannot take it all at once. i really wish i could send you this letter, but it would truly be impossible. ill continue to write to you, maybe itll be on paper next time. im wearing the socks you and L gifted to me a year ago. i actually lost the other sock months ago, and just found the other one tonight. i weeped instantly into the socks...

i remember you told me not to be sad for you. not to stay sad, to be happy for you. and i never ever thought it would come down to it though. i love you so much, but my heart cannot handle this anymore for tonight. soon ill be able to write to you in peace. goodnight my friend.

[bubbaberriboo]

i think i already wrote a similar letter, but i feel like i need to just. say it again, especially after what has happened lately.

dear a,

it's quite scary looking back on photos of you, of me, and not recognizing you, or i should say myself. i don't feel like i am you anymore. i don't feel like you are me. i remember how much i hated myself and how ugly i thought i was. i look back at these photos and i don't see that. i feel sorry for myself. no one deserves to hate themselves that much. no one deserves to go through the pain you went through. it sort of feels like... you're dead? (i guess that's why it's called a deadname) i don't know when exactly you "died", but very recently i did feel as if i was reborn. forgiveness is more powerful than i ever imagined. i hope that me feeling like i've been reborn means that you are finally at peace. i feel like i've calmed that one part me deep inside that was still in agony. i guess that was you. it's like my brain is sorted into rooms, into different parts of my life and all that. it took me a long time to even think about opening the door that leads to your room. i know what was inside would be terrifying and hard to even look at. but i did it. with my friends' support, i managed to open that door and start reorganizing and reprocessing all of the memories that filled that hellish room. and hidden in those memories, i found you. a part of me that had been beaten down, abandoned, hurt, and so many other things. i didn't see me, i saw someone who was broken and lost. someone who just needed help, but was too afraid to get it. it was scary, but i reached out to you and embraced it. i finally found the courage to help myself deal with all this trauma. it was so painful at first, but we got through it together. i hope you are at peace now. i am so sorry for everything you been through. it wasn't your fault. i'm sorry you struggled to much and sacrificed so much just to feel even the slightest bit of happiness. you don't have to hurt anymore. it's over. you... I survived.

with love,
riley

[caesou]

dear ...

you've all been very kind in making your statements. as an lgbtq+ girlie, hearing the drama broke my heart. thank you for providing a safe space for people like me - it means a lot, after hearing someone we've respected behave so lazily.

thank you for all your hard work. if he has treated you badly, you don't have to be near him anymore. if he has treated your friends badly, my heart hurts for all of you.

[-icarus-]

dear k and s
hi. I know you probably won't read this (that's the whole point, right?) but I want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ghosted both of you, especially you S. Hawai'i messed with my schedule a lot, and I know you got a job (congrats again, btw), so we haven't been able to meet up.
I miss both of you so much. Every week I wasn't able to meet I could feel my happiness become more and more superficial. and it sucks that these feeling, if I ever tell it, will be written off as anxiety/worry rather than the sadness it truly is.
I just texted you, K. Hopefully we can meet up today and life can be fixed again.
Miss you-
Mack