Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[honeycat;]

to our little boy,
you are our miracle.
we love you so much.
i know you've felt me, your mama, struggling a lot during this time with you. in more ways than one. but i do want you to know just how much i love you, and can't wait to have you. we're halfway there! it's odd, how yesterday i was crying and today i'm smiling. i have this overwhelming rush of love over me tonight. although you were a suprise, you are not unwelcomed. i'm so lucky you made your way to us. i get to be a boy mama! just how i always dreamed.
with a bonus baby girl. oh, she will love you just so much. i'm so grateful for the both of you, for making my biggest dream come true. you will always be the most special people to me. always who i love most. and forever who i'm most proud of. i love you, my babies. thank you for letting me be your mommy, i will always fight for you. as will your wonderful father. and little boy. please keep growing, and thriving. you're doing so great! keep keeping me up at night, with the kicking and thrown elbows. keep letting me know you're okay. i need it.
but please, try to be easy on momma the last half of this? ♡


p.s. to my father,
as i am filled with so much love for my earth side baby and (hopefully) second to be soon, i am also filled with grief for my angels. i miss them extra tonight. i know they're with you. please hold them tighter for me tonight? i miss you a lot too, dad. but I have comfort knowing you're there, and you have my babies, your grandbabies, now. i know there will be a day i hug you again. and a day i will hold my babies and not just carry them. i look forward to it, someday.

it's July 7th. happy birthday, daddy ❤
last night was a really hard one. but i'm feeling better today. i hope you have an amazing heavenly birthday.

[slurp slurp]

dear girlie,

since your passing i've been going through a lot of emotions. it's been a month since your service, and i thought i had for the most part been able to fully move on. then a dream knocked me down and humbled me a bit. i miss you. i wish our argument, despite how passionate we'd both been, hadn't been the end for our friendship like that.

i still look back at our last messages. they're filled with anger from both of us. why couldn't you just argue the point? why didn't you just drop it if you didn't want to actually argue? why did you attack my person instead of the facts? why did you want to hurt me?

i missed you for years afterwards, in regret to ruining our friendship. and then you were gone, just like that. and i felt so alone. i ruined our friendship so quickly, and i never got to apologize. i wanted to reach out, to talk, to let you know i still loved you and thought about you. i couldn't talk to your family in the service. i didn't know what to say. i couldn't say 'sorry' i couldn't say anything. i only wanted to cry.

i miss you a lot. i don't have a lot to believe in, but i hope that wherever you are you at least know how loved you were and still are. i miss you a lot, girlie.

[Serpentes.Skull]

Hey M,
You still have yet to even reach out to see K, its like you don't care? K doesn't remember you, she is calling a different woman momma now. Last time you saw her, she called you daddy's friend, do you understand that's not ok? She is your daughter and doesn't know, she is 6 now. She has to repeat kindergarten, I bet you didn't even know she is in school. Do you even know her birthday at this point? I'm honestly glad you left our family, the years of torture I went through because of you, and craziness you caused. You called the cops on my mom, for driving past the house,stole my things,hit me if you couldn't do something. Your father threatening to kill me and my cat, throwing poop at me when I got out of the shower. You were sick! The first time you met my grandmother you ask for her things, you ruined the last things I had of my mother, you shamed me for being over weight. K doesn't know you or her sister any more. Don't even try to contact us, you haven't for the past four years why do it now? Goodbye,M.
-C

[licoricesoda]

note to self,
i am worthless.
repeat as needed

[Snow's Storm]

Dear J,

I'm sorry. You've told me before how you're tired of being the person who others always leave behind. Previously, I didn't want to leave you also, but you need to let me go. I'm tired of your toxic traits. You talk badly about the people you call friends. I've told you multiple times to your face that your gossiping is toxic but you never made an effort to even try to change in the 5 years that I've known you. You generalize everyone into little categories and say things like "all straight people are boring" and "all people in the LGBT+ community are liberal and those who aren't are not actually gay." That's not true and that's not how life works. You're oblivious to how the adult world works. You took two years to "find yourself" while not working or going to school at all during that time, which is fine; I'm glad you got the opportunity to do that. But you suggested that I do the same and had the nerve to say "Everyone should do what I did and I can't understand why people don't!" Someday mommy and daddy won't be around anymore to coddle you and pay for your every whim, so you need to get yourself together, get a job, and grow up. The fact that you're in your mid 20's and have yet to have a job or pay for a single bill on your own is honestly kind of sad. I know that you have mental health issues, and I know that makes things hard. But you're in therapy and medicated now and you've told me that you're doing much better, so why don't you at least try to do something with your life? Working 10 hours a week or volunteering occasionally somewhere would be better than what you're doing now.

You always referred to me as your best friend, even though I told you that you are not mine. Well, I hope that your "best friend" leaving you finally wakes you up and shows you just how screwed up your actions are.

[Guest]

xx.

lately you make me feel extremely lonely. so,,, worthless, not important.
i don't know what i did to change the way our relationship was going, but i'm sorry. i really wish you didn't change the way you did.
you claim you didn't change but you did. you changed. you either changed your behavior towards me, or you straight up just don't like me anymore.
and i wish you'd just tell me you hate me instead of pretending you're my friend and pretending you care.
because it hurts really bad. you're hurting me, really, really bad.
you're kind of selfish.
you know all you really cared about was yourself. for the longest time, you were able to do whatever you want, but if i did it, it was suddenly wrong. and everytime i tried to call you out, you'd kind of just turn it around on me. or say something stupid like "i'm sorry i'm such a bad friend," 'i',m sorry all i do is hurt you" and just make me feel guilty for even saying anything.
you know i'm really, really tired. i wanted to be your friend, god for a while i wanted to be more.
but you never really cared about me, did you??
did you ever care about me?
you never even show it anymore. i can't even remember the last time you asked if i was okay.
and i haven't been okay.
in so long.
you just don't care.
i really wish you'd either just go back to how we were or leave my life. and right now, i prefer the latter.
please. just do something. instead of ignoring me and hurting me.

- c.

[licoricesoda]

A,
I'm so sorry.
I wish you'd come back to me and tell me you want be friends again.
It was my fault, my mistake.

S,
Where are you?
Do you remember me? I hope you're alright.

[changbin]

d,

you made it so hard for me to love anyone but you. you were the first person i truly, genuinely loved and i hate you for it. i despise you for it. i can't love anyone the same way i loved you and i feel so damn awful about it. i wish id never met you. i wish i walked away when you called me a narcissist, a sociopath, and blatantly disrespected me. but you plagued my every waking thought, my mornings were filled with nothing but thoughts of you and how much i hated you but loved you at the same time, and i couldn't stop. i couldn't stop thinking about you. and so i went back. and we loved each other — for a while, until you started seeing me as a parental figure rather than a significant other. i fell out of love and it hurt so bad telling you that; you never quite understood, but i was frustrated and heartbroken so i left.
you made me feel so sick, so awful, so disgusted, but i called it love. you'd say things that you knew would upset me, but you called it love. you and i would scream at each other and rip each other's throats out, but we called it love.
we were just kids, but being with you warped my perception of love so badly that i dont even know what love is anymore. i hate you for it.
but i know its my fault, too; it does take two to tango, after all, and im sorry for everything i've done to you. i'm not planning on searching you down to apologize to you, directly, because i know neither of us can stand each other, and i know that's for the best. but i still feel awful. you didn't deserve any of that, and i don't know what in my mind made me think it was okay for me to do any of that. i'm sorry. deep down i wish youd see this but i genuinely never want to speak to you again, so im glad you won't.
i dont know what to say anymore so just. goodbye, for good.

— l

but yknow, thinking about it? maybe you were right.

[eden;]

i dream about you too often recently . i'd like to see you again in person soon, and i'd like to feel your embrace again (perhaps forever).

[Fishkin]

I am so so tired of you appearing and disappearing... You expect me to come back every single time and I do and I really hate it. I love you so much and I wish we'd never broken up. I'm jealous to see you with that new guy, I'm happy for you though. I really am. I just wish it were me. We were never good together, we were so bad together. We fought so much but I loved you so dearly.. you mean so much to me still. I just wish you cared as much for me now. Yet you're so two-faced with those friends, they're bad but you go right back to them faster than I can decide how to feel, do you want me to hate them or to like them? I was their friend before you were. I knew them. But you're the funnier one, the better one, the better artist, more outgoing. I miss you, you were my best friend and now you've got me in the palm of your hand. I think about you every day. Why won't you treat me like friends again... my heart aches all the time. You still draw my character, and I love it.. but god I wish you'd either go away or pull me closer.