by basil! » Wed Dec 30, 2020 10:15 am
when there's nothing to write, i should just write anything that comes in my head, but everything i write is always the same and the same and the same and the same.
i reread this thread recently and it made me physically sick. i am so deep in my hole of pain and loneliness that i cant even write about something else. im always writing about that one girl and how unhealthily attached i am to her, or about my past, or about how much i hate myself. isnt there more to me? where is the time i went outside because it was snowing and i stood below a streetlight, staring at the snow that made it look like just after sunset when it was actually deep night? the snowflakes rested on my skin and tangled with my hair and i had to face away from the wind, clutching my parka to my body. for a few minutes all i did was walk and look at the light hitting the snow and enjoy it. i should do that more often. i live in a place so many people wish to visit, but any trace of beauty falls away from me and i cant see it at all. but when i stop to examine things like that, im filled with a quiet melancholy. its been like that ever since i was young. i guess looking at beautiful things reminds me of how fragile everything is and how unimportant we are. the places i am looking at will long outlast humanity, and even then the earth's entire existence means nothing more than chemical reactions. but i dont like to think about that because it is useless. sometimes i wished i was raised religious, because in religion everything has a reason. it would bring me some peace to think that i was made by something else for a purpose. when i go down this path, though, i like to tell myself that my reason in life is to give as much love as i can. it doesn't matter if its unrequited or if it hurts or if its the highlight of my life. to love someone, to share to the world like that, is a good thing to live for. it doesn't really matter if none of us matter in the long run, because we are alive now, and if i can make someone's life better, so what if it comes to nothing in the long run? we both lived to feel it. i have a book to thank for this idea, but it really is comforting.
here i am not doing my homework. i have so many things to do and worry about, and i dont even know what to do once i get out of college. i feel like my life will end once im out of school. for the longest time i had planned to simply die, and im doing better now, but its hard to try to make plans where there were none. death was always my go to and now im left with nothing. i have a feeling that death would be really nice though. i think it would be sweet and comfortable. the idea of forever is scary, but i know that i cant comprehend it, so ive stopped trying. and its much more tolerable to think of death now. i still cant really believe that one day it will just... happen. sometimes i think i would rather end my life on my own terms because i want control over it.
i wish i wasnt myself. i wish i knew how to appreciate anything about myself. i feel like im just worthless and stagnating. even now, im hoping that someone is reading this, relating to me and being inspired by my words like ive been inspired by someone else. i highly doubt that would happen, but even if it does, i know no one would actually reach out to me about that (i dont do that either), and even if they somehow do, i wont believe them. i cant believe that i am good or talented or make anyones life better. i wish i could.
i used to hate romance and love and think it was so stupid, and now everything is about it. love is so powerful but it is more powerful for me. i am codependent and i dont even know how to have normal relationships. i am just destroying my life by being so attached to her but i love her and cant help thinking that i should be with her for the rest of my life. and i keep blaming my past, maybe rightfully so. its so easy to break a child completely, and then they have to pick up their pieces for the rest of their life and clean up after someone elses mess, and the perpetrator doesnt even get punished. which brings me back to the question of: is there a purpose or fairness to life?
i just want to sit down and cry, but i cant. i havent cried in more than a year. i dont know if its the antidepressants or my fear of showing vulnerability or something else or all of the above. ill just make a huge wheat farm in minecraft and scream into the void, i guess. i hope i can be worth something to myself one day. everything i write about is the same, isn;t it? am i ever going to grow? is there even a spark of talent in me? hah, i don't know and i don't think so. this was a long rant, i hope no one read up to here because im an absolute mess.
apparently im not done yet. i like how this thread is the sole thing holding up my post count. i havent even been anywhere else. im like a ghost that comes out on this one thread and then leaves again. to be fair, i dont like being seen or perceived. i am irreparably lonely but talking to people just leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth that is sour with fear. i guess what i really want is to talk to her all the time all day, because she is genuinely the only person i feel safe around. i feel indescribably uncomfortable around everyone else. and its not just strangers. im more scared of people when i start to get to know them. i feel the need to act appropriate, i guess. it's the pressure to smile at the right time and stay still and pay attention and make sure to not say anything weird or step out of boundaries and conform with whatever the other person wants and its completely suffocating. a side effect of being neurodivergent, maybe. i wish i could act how i truly want to, or at least as close to it as i can, with more than one person and my parents. but its terrifying and i feel like i cant speak when im with other people. the constant pretending and act also completely drains me. i used to be much more social even two years ago. yeah idk bro
actually maybe i use her more as a trashcan for my thoughts, because looking at this thing, it honestly amazes me just how much stuff has been bothering me. ive gotten used to ignoring it. no wonder i cant focus on my homework lmao. i guess i will rant about warrior cats here too because at this point ive said so much that im probably never being accepted to any college and any sane person has stopped reading. warrior cats is so stupid its for little kids, but i love it. i have recently figured out the reasons it is such a comfort for me. they are: 1. everyone in the clan is a family, and they always help each other. they go through hard times but they always have each other. 2. everyones destiny is laid out for them. they know exactly what they have to do. warriors protect their clan and fight and have fun. everyone serves their clan in some way and lives lives (wow english) of honor. and that is so much better than the uncertainty i feel at all times. 3. i can relate to many of the main characters, especially fireheart/star, because they feel alienated and different from their clanmates. however, they still make friends and prove their worth, which makes me really happy. 4. the writing is simple and i dont have to worry about taking too long or missing important bits or symbols or something. 5. an afterlife is guaranteed and canon so i know the cats are safe and happy when they die, and that they really do have their relatives looking out for them. and finally 6. i just like cats and the premise of the story itself, its very interesting to me. maybe im childish but its whatever.
now i have also started an smp with my friends and i live in the perfect place. its this savanna village but its spawned in completely wrong. theres a cliff cutting through it with one of the buildings on top of the cliff, and theres a huge waterfall falling from the cliff, and half of the village isnt even in the savannah but in the swamp biome, which makes it really funny because its always raining on one half but not on the other. its like a few hundred blocks away from spawn but i can still get to everyone elses bases (which is kind of shocking considering i cant navigate at all and it takes me a long time to get used to places.) i also have a huge animal farm. i have a ton of cows and a ton of chickens and only one sheep at the moment but ill get more. i also also have a cat which is really stupid and keeps getting stuck on the place above my bed (i live in a cave) in the middle of nowhere but i love her anyway. it makes me really happy to have friends to play minecraft with and im finally getting into the game after not playing for literal years. i swear over quarantine ive reverted to my fifth grade self.
and finally conways game of life is so cool. its a universal turing machine / turing complete, which means it can imitate any other turing machine, which means theoretically it could recreate any computer algorithm. in fact, you can code conways game of life ON conways game of life. this is really interesting to me because the game has such simple rules and yet can be used as a counter, can be used with true / false, and can run actual programs. i coded conwys game of life in my cs class and i really want to try coding it on the actual game but i dont think im quite good enough for that yet. (i also dont think i have the motivation to.) still this is so cool to me, especially because this is essentially a field we made up ourselves? we are looking for patterns that exist in a system we made up ourselves but is somewhat modeled on real life. its sio fascinating to me how many patterns there are and how they all come together. there is so much we still dont know and its so cool. granted, wikipedias wording is not great, so i wish i could take an actual class on this or something. it brings me genuine joy seeing the different forms made out of the game though.
i should really do my hw but i dont really want to and bleh. also adachi to shimamura is so relatable. it is SO relatable. i relate to adachi so much it is unreal. it is also so nice. i love the art style and the background music and the characters, it makes me really happy. i am going to watch some other show someone recommended to me after this.
wow i have a lot of gunk i should clear out. i have even more thoughts i want to say right now but im tired of typing because my fingers couldnt catch up with my brain even if i typed at a thousand wpm. i never realized how much i need other people, not to socialize, but to dump all of this stuff at them and clear my brain out for more space. i dont know how long its been but ive been typing for a long time and i should do this more often. i clearly have a lot to say. i honestly dont know how o function. also at this point im sure no one in their right mind wold read this. it actually isnt for anyone but me.