some things you can't go back to

[fun]

b

[coën]

█│⸙║ ── 𝐑 𝐈 𝐕 𝐄 𝐑 ─ ⚜ ─────────────── ─ ─ ─ ─ ─╶╶╶

Cruel fear seized River's heart as Andy stiffened underneath her touch. Had she made a mistake? It had been a move born out of desperation, but she couldn't bring herself to truly regret it. She wanted Andy to know how she felt about her, even if it ended in rejection and her having to piece her heart back together into something slightly lopsided resembling the original. Then Andy actually kissed her back. All coherent thought seemed to leak out of her mind, leaving behind only bright white light, and if only for a brief, fleeting moment, she could forget how awful the world beyond this bubble was. Only she and Andy remained, careless and intoxicated by emotion as two young adults should have been. Frankly, River wanted to begin crying again, this time out of relief. She had been so afraid, terrified, that Andy would shove her away, tell her she was being foolish, leave her broken by the side of the road. But she should have known that Andy, the woman who was practically condensed sunlight even in her darkest hour, could never have done that to her, whether she felt the same or not. And right then, River was quite certain she did. The soft caress of Andy's hands against her cheeks swept away her tears, and with them, the weight of the world.
indentIt made it all the more difficult to return to reality. River had to muster every ounce of strength and willpower she had from her flushed cheeks to her trembling knees to not chase after Andy as she pulled away. Her fingers remained tangled in the collar of Andy's jacket as she held her face in return. She didn't want to, couldn't, let go just yet. Not that she could see herself wanting to ever let go, but if she could have a mere moment longer, maybe she could find the strength to. Would it have been so impossible to stay like this? Her eyes opened hesitantly, coaxed by the chance to see Andy's blue eyes again, even if the heavy feeling returning to the pit of her stomach reminded her that problems weren't resolved with a kiss beyond stories, and the painful part would be far from over. But this... it had given her the willpower to face it all again. She would not let go of Andy without a fight.

The pain shining through those blue eyes locked onto hers made River's stomach twist itself into knots. The thought of Andy hurting her like that was inconceivable. Even after all the sickening cruelty she had witnessed in the world after the outbreak, it should have been impossible. Andy may have held her heart in her hands at that very moment, but River refused to believe she could have ever summoned up the cruelty to crush it, much less fulfill the fears she was laying out before them. It may have been illogical, but her mind refused to explore a reality where the impossibly warm woman standing before her could ever have turned into anything resembling one of the monsters shambling beyond the perimeter of their camp. But even then, Andy was pummeling her with questions she didn't have answers to. She wanted to, but she didn't know. And she didn't want to think about the what ifs. They would find the antibiotics they needed, because they had to. Hunter would come through. There was no alternative.
indentUnderneath the petrifying weight of her lack of answers, River remained silent, acknowledging the dreadful realities of their situation with nothing more than a shaky nod, and when Andy pulled her in, she let herself be enveloped by her, sinking into the embrace without a second thought. She buried her face in the crook of Andy's neck, and not before long, she was crying shamelessly. Andy made her feel safe; safe to cry if she needed to. Safe to laugh openly and carelessly. River wanted to pretend they would be alright. A while longer.

Once Andy finally withdrew herself, it was far too soon for River. She felt cold without Andy's arms around her, and for a single anguished moment, she wondered whether she could ever feel warm again without them. Without her. But she quickly came to realize why Andy had ended their embrace when she followed her line of sight back towards the house, only to see Olivia standing next to them. River hastily swept at her face, all the while unconvinced it would have made any difference whether her face was tear-stained or not. The smile she attempted to build on her face felt broken, and so she dropped the effort, crossing her arms tightly over her chest to act as a pathetic barrier. She couldn't bring herself to look the girl in the eyes, opting to stare at her own shoes instead.
indentRiver was hopeless at following conversations, but she could guess at what was about to happen without ever needing to look at either of them. Both she and Andy had known that Olivia would have to find out eventually, and River had a feeling it was time for her to find out. She had hoped it wouldn't have needed to be so soon, but arguably, any time would have been far too soon. None of this should have been happening. Even then, it seemed to be the right thing to do; if she would truly have to entertain the terrifying possibility of their efforts failing, then Olivia deserved to hear about it from Andy herself before— well, before it happened. She glanced up briefly to see Andy reaching out to Olivia, and the stubborn tears welled up again only to roll down her cheeks. She bit the inside of her lip and held down a sob so harshly that her throat burned.


location; evil gravel — tagging; Andy, Olivia — mentioned; Hunter — wc; 972

[loulou800]

ＯＬＩＶＩＡ ＢＡＫＥＲ
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
age: twenty-two | role: Scavenger | location: gravel path | mood: upset | tagged: Andy, River, (Hunter)
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁

The look on Andy's face didn't exactly console Olivia in the slightest. It was pained, and tears threatened to leak from her eyes. She looked more pale than usual, and her usual smile didn't grace her face as it usually did when she talked with her. She wondered if it was wrong of her to have stepped in, but what the heck, she thought that they were sharing a happy moment! And she had witnessed this happy moment of a kiss, and wanting to join in their happiness, and bug them (mainly Andy) about how long they'd been feeling this electric surge towards the other. Now it was as if death had loomed over their faces, and a heavy burden had collapsed on their chest, making it seem like they were anything but happy. What was going on for them to have looked so distraught? Looking at River, her expression was the same, except it was quite obvious that she'd been crying. She tried to wipe away the tears from her face, as if that would prevent Olivia from asking any questions-- it was going to do the opposite, where she'd ask even more questions. She then avoided her gaze, choosing to look at her shoes instead. Olivia's brows continued to be furrowed as she looked back at Andy, a million questions raised on her very concerned face.

Finally, Andy opened up her mouth, holding a smile that didn't reach her eyes. Fake, that smile's fake, Olivia thought. She's about to lie to me, or tell me something really bad. Her stomach felt dread coming on as she could see Andy try to contemplate what to say. What could be so bad that would cause her to cry, and for River to cry? Andy was a tough girl, she was best friends with her brother for goodness' sakes. She had only ever seen her cry, what, two times maybe in her lifetime? And usually when she was upset, it didn't last for super long, and she always came up with something to say afterwards that would make everybody laugh, and the sad event would be forgotten. Olivia fingers started to move anxiously within themselves, unsure if she was ready to hear about what was going to be said. It was too late for her to leave, though, as she had foolishly planted herself in this position.

The wind blew through Olivia's stray hairs slightly as she listened to what Andy had to say. It was as if someone dropped an anchor in the pit of her stomach and ripped out her heart in the process-- it was all in one go, and it was swift and it was easy. No pain. It was too quick for pain. Just shock. Like a quick slit across the throat by your best friend as they held your hand. Betrayal? Relief of the truth? A bit of both.

Olivia stepped back as Andy tried to reach for her cheek, her eyes burning with anger, sadness, and a little bit of guilt-- guilt for not having realized it sooner. "Don't," she said, her voice firm. She had just assumed that Andy had sprained an ankle, or something. Who the hell could tell with her smiling and spewing jokes all the time? And why did River know before she did? Was it because she was a medic? Did Charlie know, then? Who else knew? Why was she left in the dark? Andy, the one piece of familiarity that she had in this place, was someone that she knew that she could 1000% trust. For her to not have told her anything was like being stabbed in the back. If she hadn't approached them at this moment, was it possible that Andy wouldn't have told her until the last minute? "Were... were you not gonna tell me or something?" she asked, her voice now wavering as tears threatened to spill their way down her freckled cheeks. She refused to cry, she wouldn't. "What the hell, Andy, a couple of weeks ago?" she all but shouted, her voice cracking a little, crossing her arms to her chest. She was aware that people could probably hear, but she didn't care. "What do you mean, 'what should be done'?" She didn't want to hear the answer to that, to be honest, as she knew full well what that probably meant. "And... and what? Just give up?" Olivia was shocked beyond compare. She didn't want medicine? "This all happened weeks ago and you didn't tell me? You were just going to die and have me mourning you on your deathbed because I had no freaking idea?" she hissed in a hushed tone, her eyes shining as the first tear leaked from her eyes. She quickly wiped it away with her sleeve, her body language screaming hurt and pissed. She was twenty-two years, and acting like a spoilt toddler, who kept repeating in her head, This isn't fair, this isn't fair!

Anyone who stumbled upon this scene could tell that yes, Olivia was upset and angry, but it was also like a shipwreck had bloomed maliciously in her chest. She felt sadness; immense sadness. First Joe, and now Andy? Why was the world so messed up? She reacted out of anger as that was her first response to this whole ordeal, but if anyone in this group knew her like how Andy did, they'd know that she was just extremely hurt, and for her to deal with the pain, she had to get angry. Any consoling would probably fall on deaf ears at this moment. She needed some time, but she also needed some answers. None of which Andy had, a thought that ran across her mind that served as a jab in her side.

[bugiscool]

Charlie, Tagged: William

Charlie watched the young boy and his mannerisms. Truly, she thought she was rubbing off on him... which is not always a good thing. The woman was an inspiration for sure but maybe not in her current state. She was loud, pushy, always doing what she wanted, and most importantly bold. That was one trait that still remained with her. She was bold to take up medicine. Bold to think she could graduate school early. Bold to pursue emergency medicine. Bold to excellent in her craft. Bold in life. It seems that her trait was rubbing off on William and Charlie could not help but let a sly grin emerge. However, she quickly put herself back into mom mode. Almost every part of her wanted to shut down his request. She didn't even know if Zachariah would allow it even if she agreed.

Looking at William and his pleading eyes Charlie could not help but give in, only hoping this could be a good lesson for him to learn. She prayed it was not a traumatic lesson though. Maybe a small appearance of a walker or two. Enough to make him uncomfortable while also remaining safe. She gave a sigh, her chest sinking with the release of air. She reached into her boot and pulled out her knife, that was still in its leather pouch. She held it out for him to take. Before he could take it though she pulled it back close to her.

"I agree, you should come with us. However, only on the condition that you listen to me no matter what happens. If I tell you to run you run. I tell you to be quiet I better not be able to hear you breathe." She held out the knife again. "Do you understand me?" She said, using the knife as an agreement, like a signed contract. She was allowing him what he wanted but her mom's voice was very much out and if she were talking to any other child they would be terrified at this point. She hoped William would understand that she is allowing this freedom but only if he was on his best behavior. Anything less could leave him grounded in the camp during future raids. "You stay with me and if you cannot be right by my side you are by other adults. No wandering off. You will see plenty I promise. Understand?"

[skydust]

ＪＵＤＥ ＦＯＳＴＥＲ

location: barn | role: scavenger | tags: William, Charlie

Jude rolled her eyes as Reed teased her, her cheeks heating up from embarrassment. Why did she have to be so emotional? Groaning she peeked over at Olivia, River, and Andy again. It looked like the conversation was getting a tiny bit heated. About to make her way over and see if everything was okay, she froze at the sound of Hunters voice. It was time to go on the raid. She hesitantly started walking towards the barn. Her eyes still peeking over at Olivia, Jude took in Hunter's warning and double checked she had everything in her bag. She did. A couple water bottles just in case, her knives for dangers, and of course enough space for anything they found. She also brought along a crowbar if they needed to get into anywhere bordered/locked up. Her nerves about the raid seemed to cause her jitters, and she almost dropped everything as she stumbled on a rock. Her cheeks became even redder, and she quickly straightened hoping no one saw.

Walking into the barn, she peeked over at Seraphina and the baby puppies. She smiled just a little bit at them. They were like a little light in the darkness. Turning her attention away from cute puppies, she went up to a stall and stoked a horses snout, and gently led it outside. It was a light brown horse with white spots speckling its coat, which reminded Jude of freckles. She also saw Charlie and William talking. She silently hoped he wasn’t coming today. She, as much as she didn’t want to admit it, viewed him as almost a little brother. She felt like she needed to protect him from the harshness of the world. But seeing the determined expression on his face, she could already tell he was coming. She waved towards him, grinning at his floppy light brown hair and toothy smile.

“Good morning William. You want to ride with me?” she said softly, interrupting their conversation. She sent a shy wave in Charlie's direction too as a greeting while strapping on a saddle and reins on the brown and white horse. She blew more strands of messy golden hair that had fallen from her ponytail as she did so. Then turned back to William when she was done with a soft grin on her features.

[coën]

█│⸙║ ── 𝐑 𝐈 𝐕 𝐄 𝐑 ─ ⚜ ─────────────── ─ ─ ─ ─ ─╶╶╶

Throat burning from withheld sobs and eyes stinging with tears that seemed to have finally ceased, River watched Andy drop to the gravel in a way that nearly made her flinch. It was clumsy, and above all, looked unpleasant. River wiped her face again, and couldn't help the eyebrow that quirked up in intrigue before she understood what Andy was doing. The fear that had painfully twisted inside of her chest and shown itself as bitter tears was fading in favor of deep-rooted nausea — not borne out of seeing the admittedly gruesome wound, she had seen far too much and far more worse to be nauseated at the sight, but because the wound was on Andy. And it was killing her. It made everything terrifyingly real, not that it hadn't already been with the mere knowledge of it all. Suck it up, River, there are people who need you.
indentinRiver knelt down on the gravel with perhaps a little too much haste and not enough thought for the rough terrain. The harsh stones prodded at her through the fabric of her jeans, but it was secondary to the discomfort seeing Andy in this state caused her. Was she even trying to take care of herself? Thinking about it, it wasn't surprising she had insisted on dressing the wound herself. River held her leg gently by the knee, turning it to better see what they were dealing with. As much as it went against her instincts to not ask for permission, she had an inkling that Andy would say no, just to spare her the trouble. Stupid, considerate, brave Andy. She was hesitant to prod at the flesh that was every other color than it should have been, to cause Andy even more pain, but it was apparent it could have benefited from a cleaning. She had a bottle of vodka that would do the trick, and although she suspected Andy would have other plans for it by the end of the day, it wasn't for drinking.

River let go of Andy's leg and turned to face her. The weariness had returned, but River doubted there existed a state that could have rendered her anything but beautiful. She gingerly laid a hand on her shoulder, as she had that morning, but her fingertips quickly migrated to Andy's cheek without ever stopping to consult her brain. The touch was impossibly gentle, fearful she would break, but in the action was conveyed everything she had felt for a long time, and everything she had recently realized she felt — or rather, interpreted in a new light. "You have to let me clean this, Andy." The name was a pointed addition. In case she hadn't already understood from the kiss, River wasn't about to let her struggle with this on her own. And now, she would have allowed every part of herself to break if it meant fixing Andy.
indentinShe did her best to harden her face into something Andy couldn't say no to, but a bittersweet smile slipped out to quirk the corner of her lip instead. Andy was always trying to make her smile, River would have been lying if she said she hadn't noticed, and she wanted to give her this one. Right then, she decided she would do her best to smile as often as she could. Because if Andy— she halted the thought before it reached a conclusion that would inevitably make the tears well up again. She wanted Andy to know that she made her want to smile, even if she couldn't always manage one. She would be done with tears, for now.

Allowing the hand to fall back down, River stood up to meet Olivia's dark brown eyes. She took a step closer, but stopped herself when she saw the sorrow, hurt, and anger mingling in her expression — frankly, she could understand each one of them. It seemed that Andy had clued her in about each heartbreaking detail of their situation. The instinct to reach out and comfort her was strong, and it stung to hold back, but she had a hunch that it would have been ill-received. What she needed was time. It would be time River could only hope they had, and maybe Olivia would soon understand that staying angry would never be worth it, not now. She would only end up hurting herself. And in the end, this was between Andy and the girl. They would work it out, and River... well, she would be there for them, as she had been. "I'll make sure she doesn't trip up the stairs," she offered softly, hoping the look in her eyes would be enough pleading for Olivia to at least try and forgive Andy for withholding secrets she felt she needed to keep from them.


location; evil gravel — tagging; Andy, Olivia — mentioned; -- — wc; 799

[bugiscool]

Chalire - Tagged: William & Jude

Charlie watched as the smaller figure grabbed the dagger she had held out towards him. The knife, not a weapon to be used to seek out trouble but to protect him from it. You never know when a knife may be your savior. An item that can determine life or death, only to be used as such. The world was crazy and unpredictable. As much as Charlie hoped that a situation wouldn't occur where she could not be there if William needed her but she could never predict that. At least the dagger gave him a chance. She watched the boy's face turn very serious and if not a little scared. She then squatted down to be eye level with William. His wide eyes bringing the concern to her heart.

"Now, that dagger is not to seek trouble. Remember try to get away first. That is a tool to be used as a last resort. Do not use it unless you have to. Daggers have many purposes, not just to inflict harm. It can get you out of many situations. A dagger can heal just as much as it can harm. You've seen me use knives to help people. Cutting something out of someone, cutting rope to get something untied, crush up meds to give to someone who can't take it whole, and even cut plants that will help heal people." In the end she looked into his eyes and gave him a light reassuring smile. She reached out and used a finger to lightly drag up a corner of his lip to a smile. When he began to smile widely again, excitement consuming his body did Charlie stand back up. She let out a light laugh when he asked about his own horse. "One good thing at a time, you're still getting basic lessons. You'll ride with someone this time." She looked at him with lightness on her face. He truly was a good kid, and if she could help it would make sure he wouldn't come down to the same fate as her late children.

Her gaze went to the newcomer who entered the barn. It was Jude and Charlie gave her a light nod in greeting. When she asked if William wanted to ride with her she looked to the boy. "It's your call." She spoke as she herself headed to the entrance of the barn where her horse had been standing. She made sure everything was in place and hopped on the horse. Once on top of her steed, she looked down towards William and Jude, seeing what he decided to do.

[fun]

b

[loulou800]

ＯＬＩＶＩＡ ＢＡＫＥＲ
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
age: twenty-two | role: Scavenger | location: stables | mood: upset/trying to calm down | tagged: Andy, River, Reed, Charlie, Reed, William, (Hunter)
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁

"You always act like such a hot-shot!" Olivia said angrily, shaking her head as her arms remained crossed, her eyes still burning with tears and accusations. "You always think you know better for yourself when you really don't! What about everyone else, huh? We're just supposed to let you leave on your merry way?" She said this with heavy sarcasm, obviously displeased with what Andy was saying. "You always do this, always thinking that you know best, but I never thought that you would've been this cruel to everyone who loves you, to just leave without thinking of us." She was about to say something about Joe, who would've likely shaken some sense into her, but she had a feeling that that would only make things worse. She was already saying things that she knew that she'd regret.

Before she could spew out any more words, Andy sat herself on the ground, revealing the gash that had molded its way onto her leg. It looked horrific. How had she not noticed, first of all? They were roommates, for Pete's sake. She thought that if there was anything wrong with her, that she'd pick up on it. But no, she thought that it was just a freaking sprain or something. She meant to kneel down and inspect the wound closer, but something held her back. How the hell could she just give up like that? It was clear to anyone that she needed medicine! She almost rolled her eyes at Andy's jokes. Screw her! she thought. I wish she'd stop making things into a joke. It's not... it's just not fair. Andy made a comment about her probably heading inside to rest, to which Olivia almost snorted at, if things weren't so serious. Of course she should be resting. "Whatever." Olivia said, looking at Andy, and then at River, who was still looking distraught, but also giving her eyes of reassurance, or a way to console her, perhaps? "I don't care. You do what you want. Obviously, whatever I think doesn't matter, if you're just gonna leave anyways. Whatever I think and whatever I say won't mean a freaking thing." She turned around, her back facing the two. "I have a raid to get to. I'm going to be late." She could see, off in the distance, that everyone was now standing up, gathering their equipment and getting settled on their horses. Without another word to either of them, she ran back to the porch, refusing to look back. She can do what she wants. I don't care.

As soon as Olivia reached her comrades back at the porch, she grabbed her backpack from where she had left it, quickly rubbing her eyes of any remaining tears. She headed to the stables at the barn, where everyone was grabbing a horse. She gave everyone a bright, forced smile. "Hey, sorry." she apologized. "We're heading out now? Great. I'm ready." At the stables were Jude, William, Charlie, and Reed. Quinn would probably join them soon enough as well. Hunter was already on a horse, ready for the group to get going, seeing as he was waiting for all of them near the road. She eased past everyone, to grab a beautiful black horse, with a strip of white that ran from between the eyes to its nose. "Mind if I borrow you?" she asked kindly, giving him a several smooth pats. "My name's Olivia. What's yours?" She paused, thinking of a name for this horse. Being in the animal's vicinity was helping her to keep calm. It wouldn't be a good thing to go into the raid angry, as she'd likely screw things up. By being by the animal's side, and with the thinking that she should talk to her comrades whilst on the raid, that would help rid her mind of her being upset with Andy-- at-least for a little while. Besides, while she was off collecting things, she was always thankful, so she was beyond thankful that there was a raid today. "What's that?" she said, acting like she could understand the horse's thoughts. "Brando? It's nice to meet you, Brando. Let's get you ready, shall we?" She had a bit of liking for The Godfather trilogy, and thought that Marlon Brando's acting in that movie was impeccable. Perhaps the name would rub off on this horse.

She used to ride horses when she was younger, and she had a feeling that riding on Brando would remind her of horseback riding with her family. It'd be bittersweet, as her family was now dead/missing, but riding horses always made her feel so free, like when she was running. Getting Brando all tacked up, she didn't bother with putting a helmet on her head, as it'd block her hearing somewhat if she needed to listen to instructions. If she fell, then she'd fall. She gave Brando a quick carrot from a bag of treats at the end of the stables, to which he snuffed appreciatively. "Ready to go?" With ease, she stepped in the stirrups, swinging herself up onto Brando. He walked over to the everybody else, who was waiting patiently with their own horses. "Thanks for waiting." she said to everyone, with a smile that again did not reach her eyes. "Does anyone need any extra help with their horses, or are we all good to go?" she asked, tilting her head around to everyone.

(( So sorry, I don't really like what I've written :C but I've been holding up everyone with my delay, apologies! ))

[fun]

b