[ writing dump??? ]

[emoji movie]

haha it'd probably be smarter if i said yes but no im not th a t clever lmao
i guess i just like that name

and tysm !!! dw about commenting unless you want to haha i appreciate ur comments thoo !!

[emoji movie]

the worst thing was the fact that neither of us did anything wrong. we both started out madly in love— i woke up to the sound of his voice in my head and i fell asleep thinking of him. he was what i saw when i saw a star and made a wish. Both of us were young and stupid but we knew that everything was okay with one another— we knew we were safe with one another. I remember going to a fair with him and just watching the fireworks and being so in love my finger tips intertwined with his and we turned to face one another and I saw the reflection of lights and colours on his porcelain face— and I saw a future. somewhere along the line, we were watching fireworks again and we robotically moved our fingers to touch and we turned and all I could see was him. i could only see a face, and nothing more. things became automatic and repetitive and gray and we saw each other less and those colours and that future were melting and mixing with the silence and the awkward and i was tired— okay? im not scared of commitment. im not scared of losing people. im just scared of losing him, but by that point the only thing i hasn’t realized was the fact that i was lost. we were both lost. the worst thing was the fact that nether of us did anything wrong.

[emoji movie]

hey wassup im back i havent written literally since the last time i posted so here's to me slowly trying to get back into it

longing

the rain danced against the concrete floor, each droplet seeping into the puddle of disappointment which formed through the span of an hour. my eyes darted across the school yard as i leaned back, hands against the cold steps to the school as students dashed to their parent's cars by the road. i suppose i could wait it out. closing my eyes, i listened to the hum of the earth, the natural drums of weather carrying the beat to a tune which played inside my head. a sense of peace strumed over me as the sweet melody rolled over my skin in waves.

"yamaguchi?" tsukishima questioned, his voice was a heated knife cutting through the frigid calmness.

"come on, let's go home," he beckoned. i opened my eyes and my stare met his.

[emoji movie]

there's happiness which comes with expectation and idealization. the happiness which nestles in your chest and busts out in discrete mannerisms and loud, bubbly phrases. the happiness which colours your day in streaks of yellow and pink, where the world drips with brightness seeping from behind every quick glance and ginger hug. the happiness from when your parents tell you theyre proud of you, or when your significant other says i love you. there's the happiness which is slathered in honey and love and pure joy. it's beautiful; that happiness which lifts you, which shows you gravity and defies it.

and then there's that happiness. the one which hides in the sorrow of loss. to lose is to feel pain, and to feel pain is to recognize that you once had. there's the happiness which comes hand-in-hand with the sobbing, the screaming, the crying. the happiness just before a moment when you realize you shouldve given more, cared more, loved more. it's beautiful; that happiness in vulnerability.

[emoji movie]

sometimes she can't help but feel so absolutely stationary. it's a difficult feeling to describe, where time feels absolutely still around her, but when she glances away, the world shifts and changes. she can't tell if she forces herself to feel this way, to stay grounded in a desperate attempt to maintain control over her life, or if she has been unwillingly thrust into this state of being. but she feels it nonetheless, and it's chilling.

sometimes, she feels like a collapsing star. the world around her continuously pushes and pulls and wills her to crack; wills her to cave in. she feels her throat tighten, and her palms begin to sweat, and her legs shake, and her words stutter, and an uneasy battle between butterflies and acid settle into her stomach. during these moments, she feels displaced. she's a ghost to herself, where everything happening to her is not quite happening to her. and she waits, and her world spins, pulls inwards, gravity calling for her to give in.

when she does, parts of her exude outwards. her anger, her fear, her sadness. these emotions, in shades of red and orange and green and blue, become a swirl of colours: a supernova of fiery resentment. from a distance, she is beautiful.

she leaves behind nothing.

[emoji movie]

bit by bit, she disassembles herself.

[emoji movie]

all you're life you've been told that writing wouldn't be a stable job. when you were a kid and you were passionate and you had hopes, you were told that you could never make it as a writer. whether it was subtly, or blunt, you were told that writers and authours would die on the street. you were told that writing was not a possible career option.

and you internalized it. you internalized the fact that authours die on the street. the one and only thing you had passion for, flowing through your fingers as you passed the pages in novels and explored your vocabulary and spun worlds in your head. you were told that reading and writing would never make you money. never get you a job. never make you happy.

and so your life revolves around this concept: money. you budget your happiness as promises for achieving. for reaching certain marks. and slowly the worlds which form in your head melt away.

and you lose yourself.

[emoji movie]

she melts away into nothingness. sometimes. sometimes she feels so fundamentally broken, and unable to be fixed.

[emoji movie]

angela, [12/28/2019]
Is ur real name xxx

xxx [12/28/2019]
LOL
no its xxxx

angela, [12/28/2019]
LOLOL oke

angela, [12/19/2020]
gnnn btw sorry abt that
didn’t think xxxxxx would stay in call

xxx [12/19/2020]
yeah xxxxxx talking to himself was wild

angela, [12/19/2020]
yeah i mean it was kind of my bad for not responding
anyways imma gtb gn

xxx [12/19/2020]
i think u missed the point

angela, [12/19/2020]
ok (edited)

the first and last conversation. often times, you never realize it ends like that. sometimes you miss them. sometimes you still feel anger. when their name is replaced with another face, when their voice becomes just another voice, when their only hold on you is the sweeping thought passing through your head. when you realize you never needed them.

[emoji movie]

"can i stay on the phone with you at least?"

"okay."

"how was your day?"

"good."

"yeah?"

"my day was good."