- Preparing for college applications is making me realize alot of things.
I don't want to settle for whatever is most convenient, because usually, what that means in my family, is just "stay here so we can control your life longer".
I've spent my life so sheltered and in such a small bubble, moving around but still having no definite meaning of what is to feel... like I'm missing something. It feels like because I was raised to do nothing but obey, that I have ran out of orders and now feel like a robot without purpose. I have no idea what I want to major in, I have no idea what I want to pursue, I have nothing I'm passionate about. Most of my years growing up, especially in middle school, my only goal in life was to avoid the wrath of my parents whenever I 'acted out'. Whenever I did show interests, like video games, art, or music... It was all ignored, and whenever it was noticed (after my consistent bothering about some boarding school for arts YEARS AGO) I was told that doing that would get me nowhere in life, and earn me no salary and get me nowhere in life. That muted me on whatever I wanted to do for the next years following highschool. So, instead of paying attention in class because I found something interesting, or wanted to learn, I sat there just to make straight A's in order to feel the least bit validated. Which never did. I never got congrulated for 'hardwork', or anything in the slightest-- rather, my academic 'acheivements' were seen as prizes- not mine, but those whoever had me in their custody at the time being.
"Oh, because of me... you are doing so well..."
"Because I took those video games away..."
"See what sitting in silence benefits you..."
"You would've never gotten this far if I hadn't..."
And during one of my worst years, and speaking now years into the future, in my first year of middle school, my dropping grades and aloof attitude was seen because it was the video games I played. Video games were my escape at the time, a place where I could make friends and talk to them via Skype for hours and feel happy. Those days afterschool, after getting off the bus and shutting myself into my room and just tossing my homework aside were probably the best short-lived moments I've felt-- and writing that out physically pains to read. To this day, I get teased and made fun of because they think it was a "phase" or some weird addiction. And when I bluntly say the truth, "I liked playing _____ so much because it was the only thing that made me happy. At school, I was bullied and laughed at nearly everyday, outcasted and treated like a creep," suddenly its all suprising? Mistaking the worst years of life as being a middle schooler with an addiction to video games was the worst decision that those close to me ever did. Now I cannot ever feel content. I stopped liking what I loved. I used to code passionately, and was branching onto HTML coding but again, was seen as something 'distracting'. So, instead of even glancing at the computer, I turned to pen and paper, and began to write. Eventually, one of my biographies got hand picked to be read at some literary night, and be sent to district (some school comepition thing). The day of the reading, I was nervous about my parents reaction. I wrote it on a senstive topic, something that depicted my view as a child in a family matter (military). I was the last one to go up and present what I wrote. Before me, had been non-serious works, like a 2 mintue play involving a joke about 'drowning a fish'. The other parents there were expecting something humurous of me, somthing lighthearted and whatever an 11 year old would think about. God. Thinking about it now is embarrassing. Long story short, the room got quiet, I felt the tension, and when we left, my parents were in a sour mood because, apparently, what I wrote, wasn't true and I should never write about that ever again. My heartfelt story was seen as 'spreading the wrong message' and 'putting a bad view' on my parents, apparently. I thought I would seek answers, maybe comfort or reassurance, but once again I was corrected.
Two years later one of my writings got selected again, but this time it was a fictional story about some circus. I had written it by myself, and it was fun to write it. I enjoyed it. But instead of reading it (this one was quite long), I made a 'movie trailer' out of it and was quite proud of it. My windows movie maker skills were in my prime at the time. Neither of my parents showed up. It was just me and my supportive english teacher who seemed to constantly parade me around like her own child (I wish). After everything was over, one of my friends parents took me home, where both my parents were watching some TV show.
You can imagine how that felt.
Typing this all out, all of my bitter and hurt feelings makes me just hate myself even more. My parents are no longer the way they are now. After me leaving, and them going to seek treatment and finally have time (years) to reflect on themselves, they've changed. They are not really close to admitting their mistakes at all, but at least they're willing to cooperate a bit.
What upsets me is that I can never go back in time and reassure myself. I can never convince my younger self to continue doing what I enjoyed. I can't change that at all. But I don't hate the past, I hate the present. I never live in the future, so thinking about it angers me furiously. Present me has no idea what I should do-- the only thing I like (writing) is the plan B to every plan A I've ever made.
I want to make a name of myself. I want to live a life different from what I'm living now. I want to know what it's like to be passionate about something... again. I want to feel reassured, feel like that I'm making the right decision, or that I at least can succeed in what I choose. Because right now, I feel like anything I choose has the definite reality of me failing, changing my mind, regretting, and hating. [/size]
..... Sorry for the long ramble.
This is what runs through my head whenever someone pokes fun at me when they learn I don't know what I want to do in life when I have no time to think anymore.
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