i would say that im sad, or hurting, but im not. im almost never anything. my whole life its just been apathy instead of emotion- i guess in a way thats better, im not ever heartbroken or depressed but it feels so lonely. whenever i go out with my friends for a day and have a blast, i come home and feel like garbage, and usually have a killed headache no matter how long i was out or how well cared for i was during it. like i used all of my energy to present a front of emotion that my brain physically cannot keep up.
my partner, and that may sound contradictory seeing as i cant feel much, often tells me it seems like im not invested in our relationship. but i am, i really am. you see, there are things i care about and hold dear, most often because they are the small things that bring me joy. art, my partner, my book collection are a couple of those things. i treasure these things- even though i sometimes think i dont care for them at all and its all a figment of my brain trying to overcompensate. but i have trouble expressing it.
when i smile i always look like im faking it, and i usually am, my real laugh is only heard by my inner inner circle, i vent to one person and one person alone, and i have a very hard time picking up signals. all of that together makes it seem like i dont care.
but thats because i dont, usually. my body language is hard to change because its all ive ever known. though my vent knows of my problems and worries, they dont know about my overarching apathy. no one really does.