Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[0009]

Hello. You know very well who you are.
You won't even read this, and I can't really seem to mind it. This is simply a form of self-indulgence, and I will accept it for what it is. A mere whisper into the glistening, uncaring void.

I don't know if I'm hiding or repressing any emotion from myself. Knowing myself, there's probably a lot that I've yet to ponder over and fully understand. I don't know why I feel like this towards you. Rationalizing it only leads to unnecessary confusion. I can't help but have a nagging intuition that tells me that this is linked to something bigger that I've glossed over-- a piece of self reflection that hasn't hit me yet. Progress has always been a matter that has left to be vague and undetermined, since I've never been a person who liked handling or was good at absorbing the scope of the responsibility that is yet to be given or has been thrusted upon me.

How would any of this relate to you?
Well, it doesn't.

You have grown fond of her. These type of things happen. It was only going to. This is a petty situation that can be easily overlooked. When studied and compared, patterns emerge. These type of patterns are painful to look through, if you haven't fully accepted the person you are. I haven't, and neither have you. I don't think you really care. And that's for the best.

That is for the best.

[the folly of man]

uhh.. hi
me again

it's been a long time since what happened, and I don't think I look up to you anymore,,
I don't know what you did, but if it's so bad my friend won't tell me, or so bad you got IP banned, it's probably really bad.
still, I wish I had gotten to talk to you at some point. you were pretty much my idol and I loved your work more than anything in the whole world. I was excited beyond reason any time I saw a new game being made, even though they literally always got abandoned.
well, the games that did get finished, the best games I've ever played, are now broken due to an update. and now they can't be fixed because you're banned. it breaks my heart and sometimes makes me unreasonably upset, because those were just?? my most favorite things in the whole world???
I even went as one of the characters from the games for halloween, hah.

the good news, though: you've still been a great inspiration to me. I hope to make my own games now. I have a big story planned out that my brother helped with. I have characters that I adore.

I wish you hadn't gotten banned
then I'd have been able to actually tell you this at one point
even though it would probably be in a few years
but it'd still be someday

yeah, that's all
sorry. I sound like a dork.

[SolsticeTheBanana]

Dear, everyone, really..,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you ever bothered to care. I'm sorry I'm a waste of space, and that you can't see that. I'm sorry you cant let go. I'm so sorry that I make it just that much harder. I'm sorry I have talents that are a waste. Im sorry I'll never be anything more than nothing. I'm sorry I let you keep trying even though I know its hopeless. I'm sorry I said it was better. I'm sorry I'm afraid. I'm sorry I dont want to talk, and I'm sorry I still do. I'm sorry I ever dared to dream. I'm sorry I had hope. I'm sorry I torture you with my poisonous mind. I'm sorry I lie. I'm sorry I try. And most of all, I'm sorry I can't fix any of this.

None of you who have tried to help and care desserve to feel bad. You're all so lovely. Everyone, you are everything. But I'm sorry that everything and anything and help me anymore.

So, my dear everyone, I am sorry. And, thank you, for doing all you could. I'm sorry my "all I can" wasn't enough.

[Trexxa]

dear mh,

heh... another letter to you. sorry about that. glad you won't actually come into contact with this one.
I'm really glad things are cool between us. tbh for those whole nine days where we didn't talk, all I thought about was the fear that I somehow messed up, that maybe I'd pushed you so hard I'd pushed you away, and that you wouldn't want to speak to me again... at least not in the same manner. giving you that letter in person was a huge, huge step for me to take. my biggest step though was without a doubt telling you those three words. I wonder what was going through your mind when I said them?? I feel you didn't take them well at all, you didn't even look me in the eye. ...you musn't be too unhappy with anything I said though, since we've gone back to our usual bantering. whew, you don't know how relieved I am. C: I was awfully worried you were gonna approach me funny from now on, knowing I have feelings for you (which I feel I've clearly gotten the message you don't share.)

so. will you be coming back to the college next year? your announcement about moving to the big city and hopefully getting this career that's a major step forward in your life have got me thinking you are leaning towards not coming back. that's got me pretty sad, in two different ways actually... on one hand, arghhhh. when will I get to see you again? c'mon, if we're still good friends, we can't just... never see each other again? and on the other... you moving out and really starting your life has personally got me feeling so... useless. I feel like I started working so late in life compared to others and I'm kinda regretting it now. I barely have enough to keep my vehicle filled right now. I'm working a really low wage at a fast food joint and it makes me feel so... pathetic. I wish I too could move out now, and get a job a step in the right direction... life just hasn't been playing in my favor though.

you're lucky, you know that? I know you really don't believe in that, but it's true. you've got a loving and supportive family. you've got enough money to sustain yourself, at least. you've got people who really love you, people like, well, me. it's a pity you don't return my feelings, honestly. I'd be willing to give the world for you. you're not gonna find many others like that out there (as you already know from experience). you might not love me. over time I'll get over you, these strong feelings of mine will subside. hopefully I will find another who shares my feelings.
...but no matter what happens, I will always love and support you as a friend.

just like I told you in that letter, wherever life brings you, don't forget that.

sincerely,
t. aka your dork.

[Gladis]

Mom,
xxxxI felt my heart sink when you brought up the time we traveled to Seattle that time I was 13. Surprisingly, you thanked me for being mature & understanding despite my jealousy. It meant a lot to me.
xxxxI developed a deep set hatred for you at that time. There were 2 family friend kids who you & dad showered in love & I was extremely jealous. Why was I undeserving of encouragement & compliments? You constantly scorned me & yelled at me. I know I wasn't the best at the time & I constantly started problems for attention. I really wanted you to hold me, to tell me that I was a good daughter, & that you loved me. Instead, you slapped me & told me to grow the hell up.
xxxxThe world felt so unfair at the time, but I understood that these 2 kids deserved the best. I never had a proper childhood, so I had to treat them the way I wanted to be treated as a kid. It hurt so, so much to love when I barely got any love. I did the best I could, I held their hands, carried the smaller one when she was tired, & did my best to love them. & I did. My efforts were well rewarded with their love in return. But by holding down the jealousy & pain, I started to hate you. I hated you for making my childhood terrifying. I hated you for forcing me to grow up when I was still a kid.
xxxxI never expected you to notice, but you actually did. I feel like another weight on my chest (that I didn't know I had) has been lifted. 13 year old me is happy to hear that too. I love you.

[mileven♥︎]

dear t,
im really, really sorry.
it's all my fault everything
is all awkward. again.
for the first three months of
school u were one of my closest
friends, but i had to ruin things
because i somehow managed
to fall for you again. we haven't talked in six
months. I'm going through a lot
of stuff right now and i really need you.
you were the only person who ever
listened to what i had to say, and
without you everything i want to say
is just bottled up inside. ik that you
said you'd always be there for me,
and ik that you didn't really mean it.
maybe if i had not scared you
away we would still be friends.
maybe. you never know how things could have
turned out. *cough* quantum *cough*. i like
to wonder what would have happened if
I hadn't told 'a' that i liked you. maybe
you wouldn't know. maybe you wouldn't have
found out ur best friend had a crush on u.
I hope you are doing well. pls dont die lol
xoxo-
y

[scullyton]

dear you,
i picked up your speaking pattern.
you probably already knew that. you had to be there for me to pick it up in the first place. i never became an exact mirror of your voice, but as time went on, it became noticeable. my old voice was gone, and my new voice’s cadence became closer to yours. i still haven’t lost it. you have no way of knowing that i retained it, that you really did effect me. you never believed you were capable of that. i wish you could know. when i hear myself speak or read certain passages i wrote, i think of you. i do really hope you are better now. i hope there will eventually be a day when you know.
your cheerleader,
s

[ActualAmadeus]

dear dad,
i know no matter how much i pray, you won't change. i don't even know if you have the ability to change at all. i've spent my whole life trying to get you to validate me. tell me my efforts were worth something. i guess i learned that it would never even cross your mind that im in pain a little to late.
you left me alone in an airport hanger at an airshow when i was four. i got lost trying to find you. a close family friend of my mothers found me, held me till i was done crying, and led me back to you. i was left outside a strange house playing with stray cats when i was nine. you were watching me at first, but then you went inside the house. another family friend saw me and watched me for you.
i didn't get over my extreme fear of storms until i was 12. every time i came to you when it was thundering outside, bawling, you scolded me and pushed me away. i spent countless nights sobbing quietly into my pillow because you didn't like to be woken up. yet, you never woke from the storms. i am no longer terrified of the thunder, but i cannot be alone with it for long now. i fall back into the absolute terror of those nights.
i was terrified of being alone, especially when you and mom first split up. i couldn't stand being alone in the dark, so i slept with you. then you started dating my stepmother. i spent two nights with you every week. i remember crying to my mother over the phone because i was kicked out of the bed and had to sleep alone. she was there almost every other night. you could not spare two nights with the child you fought so hard to see.
when i was 10 i got a flip phone. my mother gave it to me so that when i was alone and scared at night i could call someone back home and not be alone. when i had a horrible nightmare i used it. when you found out, you took it and didn't give it back. you told me i should have come to you. i tried to do that then next night. you groaned and told me to get over it.
by the time i was 11 i didn't come for you. i didn't want to see you or my stepmother and her family. i came because no matter what i told you, no matter how hard i begged, you believed that every negative thing i had to say was from my mom. you thought she told me to say those things. the reason i came was to see my grandparents. i love them. i love them a lot. i want to spend all my time with them. i tell you this, and you send me to my stepmother's mom.
im really picky when it comes to who can touch me. if you hug me without warning i will freeze up and freak out. its always been like this. if you ask me to hug you, i will 100% say yes. i love hugs, you just have to tell me first. but whenever i tell her this, she gets offended. she tells you and you make me write a letter and talk to her. i tell you the exact same thing i tell her. you ignore it and walk extremely close to me anyway.
your wife is a horrible person and i hate her with a burning passion. it is rare for me to hate someone. i love so many people, and the idea that there is good in everyone is something that i thoroughly believe in. i hate no one but her. you are so scared to have another failed relationship that you do whatever it takes to keep her happy, especially if it has to do with me. i know that she's the one fighting with my mom. i know that she tells you what to say. i know that you do not love anyone more than yourself, and while you have shown signs that you may love me as much as you can, it is overshadowed by her. she controls you to the time you take your showers. two weeks ago you told me we were going to my favorite restaurant when i came up there. we talked about it when i got there. we talked about it the day we drove an hour away to the city to go eat there. i stopped talking mid-sentence when my stepmother casually remarked "im in a mexican mood right now" and we pulled into a cheap tex-mex restaurant. i didn't talk the whole meal. did you notice? i didn't talk on the way home. i cried in the backseat, silently. just like the way i did when i was little, hiding from the thunder. did you know i can have full breakdowns silently now? i bet not, you couldn't even pay attention to me when i was bawling full volume.
you know, it's funny. i feel sick writing this. did you ever notice how i always got sick a few days before i got to your house? i throw up almost uncontrollably when i have holidays there. have you noticed the severe colds i get when im there for over a week? and how they turn into a sinus infection every summer? have you noticed that three mouth ulcers form in my mouth the day i get there? how about the medicine i have to take to numb them, just so that i can open my mouth? do you notice it when i stand at the front door with my bag, reciting the railroad schedule late at night?
i know no matter how much i pray, you won't change. and i pray that your new daughter learns these things earlier than i did. i pray that when i don't have to see you on school breaks and holidays that maybe i can be alone in the thunder. i pray that i can handle being ignored here and there without breaking down in the future.
i don't pray for you, for it will not help you.
i hope you have as good as a day that you can possibly have.

see you july
-me

[beemo]

dear a,
please stop checking on me. please get help.

[DragonLoverHere]

Hey _____,

I give up....
I love you.

-a glutton for punishment