secrets of a raven

[liightning]

[liightning]

It's too late... you could have saved me.

Guilt throbbed in the tortoiseshell's heart. Her eyes stung with tears that threatened to fall. "No! It's not too late," she cried. She spun frantically, searching for the familiar pelt, but was only greeted with darkness. The shadows twisted and writhed, crowding closer, whispering in her ear from nowhere and yet everywhere at once.

You should have protected her...

"I c-couldn't!" She was whimpering now, pressing herself to the ground as if she could melt straight into it. "No, it's not my fault, it's not-"

You failed.

Something bumped against her paw and she glanced down. It was a tiny snail shell, split with an ugly jagged crack.

"Snailpaw," she breathed.




She awoke with a gasp, chilled to the bone. The cool morning air stung her nose as she breathed deeply, struggling to calm her racing pulse.

Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream.

She closed her eyes and exhaled.

Just a dream.

[Micki.]

x
A dappled she-cat yawned lazily, stretching out across the rock she lay on.

The rock was large and flat, coming just above the shallows of the lake water's very edge. Her pelt glistened in the sunlight, and she seemed to be enjoying the warm day. And her sunning spot? 'Just divine,' she thought, looking down past her reflection and to the bottom of the lake. Her attention seemed to have been caught by a small stone resting there, sparkling in the light.

Up above her a bird cawed, tearing her attention away from the stone. She squinted through the sun to see the unmistakable shape of a raven. 'Oh, ravens,' she thought, paws going cold as a memory suddenly rushed back to her.


"Come on, Snail! Why do you have to be such a stick in the mud?"

"I am not!" Snailpaw protested, sitting down and huffing in annoyance.

The other she-cat gave a smug look as she responded, "Prove it!"

Snailpaw narrowed her eyes, tail flicking in annoyance, "Fine, Apple! We can go try to catch that dumb bird!"

"Oh there won't be any 'try' about it," Applepaw purred, bouncing towards the edge of camp. Her sister followed, less enthused, but no longer annoyed. Applepaw was the only one that knew how to get a rise out of her, but even her anger was lazy.


"Still lazing around, Snaildapple?" a voice came from behind her, drawing her out of the memory.

Usually Snaildapple didn't mind being called lazy - she was, after all - but today, right now? After that particular memory? It struck a nerve, and the she-cat bristled in response. She said nothing, very unlike her, and continued to watch the raven fly above her - a harsh reminder of her secret.

Maybe one day she would forgive herself, but today was not that day.

[liightning]

Appleblossom, still frazzled from her dream - or nightmare - stumbled outside, absentmindedly joining the group gathered around the deputy.

"Kestrelfall, lead a hunting patrol towards the delta. Marsh-bloom is here, and prey will be returning..." His words were sucked into the roaring storm in Appleblossom's head.

Marsh-bloom. Prey.

The words echoed in her mind.

Hunting.

It wasn't until the deputy had prodded her gently on the shoulder that she snapped back out of her thoughts.

"... feeling okay, Appleblossom?"

"Hmm?" She blinked in alarm at Buzzardflight, green eyes wide. Has he been speaking to me this whole time?

He chuckled. "I was saying that you can take the day off, since you've been working too hard these past days. We have more than enough cats to patrol and perform duties." He tilted his head, studying her face, worry flickering across his face. "Are you feeling okay? Tired?"

"Yeah, yeah, just tired." She shook her head as if trying to shake off the drowsiness. "Sorry."

"Take it easy, alright? Get some rest." He tilted his muzzle up to the morning sun, golden eyes glowing in the light. "Marsh-bloom is upon us, after all; take the opportunity to enjoy the nice weather while it stays." A purr rumbled in his throat.

"Right, I will." She tried to coax a laugh out of her throat, but it sounded a bit forced.

"ake the opportunity to enjoy the nice weather while it stays." Buzzardflight's words echoed in her head. She had felt a bit tense this morning, although she wasn't sure why.

Maybe it would do some good to take a nice stroll.



Buzzardflight was right; she felt her body relaxing as she wove between the reeds, ears pricked to the sweet melody of birdsong. The sky was dim with heavy clouds, and she felt as if she were protected by a blanket.

She was enjoying the soft songs carried on the breeze when suddenly, the cry of a raven split through the air, shattering the peace. Without warning, she was overcome with a memory, toes going cold just as they had been that night.



"My toes are cold!" Snailpaw complained, dragging her paws behind her sister.

Applepaw rolled her eyes in return, doing her best to pretend her own paws weren't equally cold. A fierce wind had begun howling through the trees, chilling her to the bone and sending a shiver down her spine.

She picked up the pace. "Walk faster, then!" she called, hurrying along. "You'll be warmer if you pick up your paws."

Snailpaw groaned but broke into a bounding run to keep up, muttering complaints between strides.

A low rumble in the distance - the unmistakable crack of thunder - made her prick her ears. She knew Snailpaw heard, too, when her sister slowed her pace a bit.

"Applepaw? Is that-"

"Yeah, it's thunder. Which we've heard plenty of times before."

"But we were in our dens then, and this time we're far from camp, alone and without shelter-"

"Quit whining, will you?" Applepaw snapped, frustration rising in her. As quickly as the anger had come, it subsided, and guilt throbbed within her. "Sorry," she muttered. "Come on, though - it'll be quick."

Snailpaw whimpered quietly as they continued. Applepaw heard the call of a raven, rough and grating.

"Listen, Snailpaw! There's one, not far! We'll be bringing back prey in no time," she crowed, breaking into a run.

She and her sister skidded to a stop at the foot of a towering willow, its branches swooping low over a river. The wind had calmed down a bit, and thankfully Snailpaw had, too - well, before she spotted the tree. Her eyes widened in alarm and she took a step back.

"You want me to climb that?"

"Scaredy-mouse! Come on, Snailpaw, you can do it!" Applepaw pointed her paw at the huge black raven, perched on a low branch. "All you have to do is catch it. It can't be harder than fishing, right?"

"R-right." Snailpaw's legs shook as she craned her neck. "And then we can go home, right?"

"Then we can go home."

[Micki.]

x
Snaildapple yawned, her paws moving one in front of the other ever so slowly. She was still tagging along with the rest of the patrol, but quite a bit further behind.

After all, she didn't much care for this particular duty. Why did they need to send out patrols to other clans? And, more importantly, why did she have to be part of one?

"My paws haven't hurt like this in a long time," the dappled she-cat mumbled, scrunching up her nose in displeasure.

She was definitely not one for journeys beyond her clan's territory. In all honesty, even journeys within her territory tended to be a little too long for her liking. She was a strictly in-camp kind of cat, but, unfortunately, it was her turn for patrol duty.

And she did owe Bearclan.

Snaildapple sighed, stopping in her tracks. The dappled she-cat plopped her rear down on the ground, making a dramatic groan that could have been heard for miles away. She threw her head up to wail something about a break, but her jaw was left hanging open as she caught a glimpse of the sky.

Up above her, dark clouds were forming thick blankets across the sky. They seemed more menacing than storm clouds usually did, though, and something about them set her stomach in knots.

The other cats in her patrol were soon in front of her, whispering hurried plans to find shelter. 'It's not like the storm will break if you talk any louder,' Snaildapple noted, silently. She didn't have enough energy left to voice the words, and her stomach was knotting up so badly she feared any attempt to speak would have been thwarted by the day's lunch.

Before she could pinpoint what was causing the unsettling feeling, a loud crash of thunder echoed throughout the forest -



BOOOOOOM!

Snailpaw jumped at the sound, much closer than earlier, and she thought she felt a few drops of rain on her back.

Still, she couldn't say no to her sister.

She could never say no to her sister.

So, as rain started to mist and thunder got louder, the dappled apprentice took a big gulp of air and dug her claws into the barn of the tree. The molly had just started to make it up the giant willow when lightning lit up the sky, which elicited a small squeak of fear from Snailpaw. 'We can go home after this,' she reminded herself, climbing a bit higher.

Rain was coming in sheets now, soaking the small apprentices to the bone.

Still, Snailpaw continued to climb up the tree.

As she got higher, the dappled molly could feel her grip on the bark weakening. She continued on, though, too afraid to tell her sister no more, too afraid to tell her sister they shouldn't be out by themselves in the first place.

Too afraid to have an opinion, to have a backbone.

At last, Snailpaw made it to the branch with the raven, her sister behind her. She started to inch forward, just as they'd been taught.

But the rain was heavy, making it hard to move - making it hard to see, even. Snailpaw shivered, growing more and more horrified by the minute, and freezing cold as well. 'We can go home after this,' she reminded herself once more, still inching towards the large black bird. Each step she took, Snailpaw replayed her sister's voice in her head to comfort and calm herself: 'Then we can go home.'

She was nearly there, just one more -

"AAAAH!"

The molly shrieked - her paws slipping from under her, her face contorted in terror.


A drop of rain hit Snaildapple hard in the middle of her forehead. She blinked repeatedly, trying to shake the same uneasy feeling that she had had that night. "I need water," the dappled she-cat mumbled, more to herself than anyone else, "I'm going to find the river."

And, just like that, Snaildapple was stumbling towards a river on a stormy night.

[liightning]

Stunned, Appleblossom shook her head, the screech of the raven still ringing in her head.

What is going on with me?

Dizzily she tried to recall what had triggered such a memory.

A dazzling moth, pale wings glowing in the dim light, drifted daintily before her muzzle. Anguish forgotten, Appleblossom watched, entranced.

As it danced away, she let out a soft cry - "Don't go!"

Playfully, and almost desperately, she followed its fluttering path through the air. Her heart was light, and in that moment she was a kit again, young and innocent and carefree, not yet weighed down by the troubles of the world.

A light rain began to fall, hissing past her ears, drumming the earth in a rhythmic beat. It streamed down her pelt like a river, smooth and soothing.

Even with the drizzle, the moth twisted and twirled in the air, as graceful and beautiful as ever. It seemed untouched by the rain, a creature of magic, a being from the heavens.

Lead me to my destiny...

Suddenly, her heart skipped a beat as her paws slid out from under her. Snapped out of her trance, she realized too late that she was right by the river, which was swollen with snowmelt. The ground was muddy and slick with rain, and before she could process what was happening or what she could do, she tumbled straight into the current.



A screech split the air.

Frozen with horror, Applepaw watched as her sister slipped off the branch right in front of her, jaws wide in a cry. She plummeted like a stone straight into the rushing current.

The splash jolted her into action.

"Snailpaw!" she cried. She dove into the current without hesitation.

The pitter-patter of rain was drowned out by the gurgling, howling, roaring of water as it filled her ears. Instinctively she gasped, but only found herself with a mouthful of water. Everything she had been taught about swimming seemed to disappear from her mind in her panic, and she was left flailing, helpless as a kit.

The river hurled her back up to the surface. She gasped and choked, coughing up water. Frantically she spun, searching for the familiar dappled pelt.

There was no one in sight.

The torrent dragged her under once again, tossing her left and right like a kit playing with a moss ball. Weakly she tried to fight the current, eyes still searching for her sister in that murky water - but it was no use.

All she saw was darkness.

[Micki.]

x
As the dappled she-cat approached the river, she thought she saw what seemed to be the figure of a cat going into the river. She blinked hard, trying to make sure that she hadn't imagined it. And, sure enough, through the heavy sheets of rain coming down, she could barely make out the figure of a cat bobbing up and down in the river.

Before her mind could process the event, Snaildapple's legs were already carrying her to the river, faster than she had ever moved in her life. She dove into the river head-first and was soon surrounded by water, swirling around her and making it hard to move. The current was stronger than usual, as though it was being fuelled by the raging storm, and the she-cat silently thanked Bearclan for teaching her to swim.

As she swam deeper and deeper, desperately twisting and turning in the water to look for the other cat, she had an odd, familiar feeling. Yes, she had gone into a river that night, but it was more than that...

She almost lost her focus in that thought, but something in her bones snapped a sense of urgency into her and brought her back to her current predicament. When she focused herself again, Snaildapple caught a glimpse of something in the corner of her eye, and she was soon making her way towards it.

Just as the other cat hit the bottom of the river, the dappled she-cat snatched her by the scruff and started dragging her towards the air. 'So heavy,' she thought, fighting with the additional weight to make it through the current. After what seemed like ages, their heads broke the surface of the water.

Snaildapple silently cursed herself for not having kept up with her swimming practice, her legs growing more and more tired as she battled to make it towards the bank. She grunted something unintelligible to the ancestors, hoping that they could understand her in her moment of need, and kept struggling with the waters. The river felt impossibly big to her, and she briefly thought that she would never make it to the other side. Only moments later, however, she was at the edge of the river.

She hurled the other cat's weight onto the land just as her legs started to give out on her.

The she-cat started to sink, head bobbing in and out of the water as she fought with her own body. 'Not yet, please not yet,' she thought, hissing at her own body as she started to be swept off by the harsh current. "Not yet!" Snaildapple hissed, using the last bit of her strength to launch herself at the river bank.

She came down half on the land, the edge of the bank hitting her hard in the midsection and knocking the air from her lungs. She scrambled to grab at the land, sinking her claws into the dirt. Snaildapple huffed, trying desperately to pull herself up from the river, but pf her strength had all deserted her - everything ached, even her very bones - and she was starting to slip back towards the water.

'I'm so tired...' she thought, eyes drooping, 'Wouldn't it be nice to take a nap? With that thought, Snaildapple surrendered every ounce of fight she had, resigning herself to her fate - a watery grave on a stormy night - as she let go of her grip on the land.



Just as she let go, the cat she had saved from the river was grabbing her and pulling her up onto the bank.

Snaildapple just collapsed as her body hit the solid ground, mumbling curses at the ancestors for such a close call. She closed her eyes and breathed deep, relieved to finally be able to rest a bit. It had been such a long, tiring day.

After a few moments, though, the she-cat huffed, "You could say you're welcome, you know. I did save you from drowning in the river."

No response. 'How rude,' she thought, opening her eyes to see the other cat before she started to complain.

It was then that her heart skipped a beat, shock pulling her onto her stinging limbs. The other cat stared back with the same shocked expression, both unable to speak.


What could they say?



How do you tell your sister you thought she was dead? That you had been too ashamed to tell your parents how she had really been taken from them? That it was your fault she was away from camp, your fault she went into the river? That you had been too pushy, too arrogant, and regretted it since?



How do you tell your sister that you were too ashamed of yourself to face her, to try to find her and let her know you were alright? That it was your fault that you had gone into the river, that you had been carried off by the river? That you had only needed to stand up to her for once in your life, but that you had been too afraid to tell her no, too spineless?





How do you let go of your innermost secrets and forgive yourself for something that you never dared breathe a word of?


All at once, none of those secrets mattered. The moons of holding them in, of wishing that they could change things, disappeared and the two cats embraced, bouncing like kits.

"You're alive, Snail!" Appleblossom shrieked, overcome with joy.

Snaildapple shrieked back, equally over-joyed, "Apple! You're not as fat!"

The two collapsed into a fit of giggles at that, both bouncing up and down.

Appleblossom pawing at her sister's face playfully, "And you're not as lazy, diving into the river like that!"

"Still lazy, just not when it counts!" Snaildapple retorted, grinning widely.