How can I be
What I
want
to be
When all I want to do is
strip away
These stilled
constraints
And
crush
this
charade
Shred this
sad masquerade
I don't need
no persuading
I'll trip, fall,
pick myself up and
Walk unafraid
As the sun
comes up,
as the
moon
goes down
These heavy notions
creep
around
It makes me
think,
long ago
I was brought into this life, a little lamb
A little lamb
Courageous,
stumbling
Fearless
was my middle name
But somewhere there
I lost my way
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❝ i've never been anything special,
no child with the blood of ancient
kings or the skills and prowess of
a kestrel
but i can offer this world books of
stories to place upon an old dust
covered shelf
pieces of my heart, of me, and no
one else
and bring to this world stories
abound
stories and tales of what goes
on as this world spins round
❞3,508 words━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
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xxxAna let out a sob, a choking, ugly, sob that wracked her whole body with a powerful shudder, followed by more and more just like it, competing to match the intensity of the last. She felt everything, and yet nothing all the same. Her heart had numbed, had let go completely of feeling for it's own protection, but it also screamed and shouted and cried as hard as she did, aching, and begging for the time to be reversed. Everything, everything she had written since she had first begun to write, that she had not gifted to her father or another, had been soaked by ink, had been covered in blackness, the words erased by the cover of a dark ocean, never to be seen or recovered again. It felt as if her life's work had been gone, swiped away, damaged completely and beyond repair in an instant, and like she would never recover, like she would never begin to even get it back. She couldn't even remember half of the things, how could she write them again when all she knew of them was that she loved him, that they possessed pieces of her heart and soul, that they had had so much heart and effort placed in them? She was in shock, still struggling to comprehend exactly what had happened while knowing exactly what had at the same time. Her head swarmed overwhelmingly with a deafening roar, and her heart crumbled even further into dust.
She began to shift, to curl herself closer, further in on herself, but then she heard a noise, a clatter, and everything fell to a screeching, screaming halt as she was pulled to reality once again, and the breaking of her heart only dully throbbed within her chest.
Ana looked up quickly, searching for the source of the noise, and then she found it, and her heart fell even further, if that was even possible.
"Jessym, no!" Ana screamed, leaping to her feet and surging after the dog as he took off at a speedy bolt at the first sign of her movement.
Her broken heart, and the end of her writing, was forgotten, instantly, forgotten.
Jessym had picked up the mask from the desk, he had stolen it. He had taken it, and now held it firmly within his jaws as he ran. That was a gift, one that had cost her master so much. She owed him everything, absolutely everything, she could not let herself lose the mask, she could not allow herself to lose something that had undoubtedly cost someone she cared for so very much. It was a gift that had been given with nothing but the kindness of a heart, even if she did not go to the ball in the end, she would still treasure it, and keep it safe, and find some way to use it to show it was appreciated and loved; she couldn't let the dog take it and run away.
What if he dropped it in the mud? What if he tore it to shreds as he did with the odd toy? What if it was dropped in a frothing puddle, stepping in by thousands of paws and doused in only the gods knew what? What if all had already been lost?
What if he ran into the forest by the castle and she never saw him, or the mask again? What if she lost them both? What if she got the mask, but then lost the beloved dog, the dog she called her friend? What if he hurt himself on the mask? What if his injuries were her fault, what if she had caused him hurt?
Oh gods, the inkwell! It had fallen by him, hadn't it? Or no, that had been the other side of the desk, right? But what if it hadn't, what if he had already been hurt? What if he was already bleeding and in pain, and her chasing only made this worse? Oh no, oh no. Jessym, I'm so sorry. Please be all right.
The young kit quickly skidded down the corner of the hall after the speedy dog, a dog of a breed made for quick hunting and hurricane speeds. Her heart pounded in her chest, her fear rose, and rose, and rose, and rose, and her tear filled eyes were hard to keep open as she ran, only just barely managing to keep pace with the creature.
They rounded the bend into the courtyard, her favorite one, and just as she entered, she nearly slipped on a fallen piece of silken decoration, though she managed to catch herself before she crashed and fell, and broke more than her heart. That was when she found herself stopped, along with Jessym, though she didn't yet know that he had as well. He had halted, just on the other side, right by the entrance across from her, watching her carefully.
Her breath had already been taken from the speedy run, but now, the sight of the courtyard, transformed into something beautiful and new, had too. It looked so different, now, covered in the most stunning decor she had ever seen, and she could not help but pause to stare, dumbfounded, at how striking the courtyard looked, decorated for a fanciful masquerade ball to begin a festival of nine long days, bathed in crystal clear moonlight. She could see the moon through the tree's branches, and the way it's light so beautifully dappled the earth. Everything was washed in a blue light, a soft, ethereal glow, and crystals had been hung throughout, refracting the moon's light at just the perfect angles, driving it toward the center of the clearing, where a statue of ice depicting the previous king sat, likely enchanted by the carver not to melt. It was so very lifelike, filled with more life and light than she had ever personally seen within by the king when she had seen him on his death bed. Through the clearer spots of the ice, and even through the parts that were opaque, she could see the moon's light shining right through it, and that of the beautifully reflecting crystals too. It was beautiful, so very gorgeous, almost opalescent, and it too, stole away her breath. The other side of the clearing looked warped and warbled through the ice, like she was looking through a bloated surface of glass, and that was when she saw Jessym, his head looking like it had widened considerably, and she remembered what she had been doing.
His ears perked to attention as soon as he realized she had seen him, and took notice of him once again, and like before, he took off running, bolting away before she could even begin to start to catch up and begin running after the swift hound.
He ran, and she chased after him, for what all turned into a blur when he finally stopped minutes later, outside of the castle, right by the entrance, and she took a large, gaping breath in an attempt to catch back all the air she had lost while her chest heaved in protest. It was quiet out here, in the night, peaceful, and still. There were lights lighting the way to the entrance, but it was still dark, and a little hard to see, at least until her eyes finally found themselves able to adjust to the darkness.
Slowly, Jessym padded towards her, towering over her small form with his tall, graceful and lithe body, and dropped the mask at her feet. He nudged the side of her face with his snout, and she breathed in his earthy scent, comforted by him being near, and safe. He smelled of the night air, and he still wreaked of the herbs he had been dusted in when he left the jars his tail tipped off the shelf to shatter beside him on the floor. Miraculously, he had come out of that perfect unscathed, and not even a little startled, and of that she was very glad.
He nudged the mask again, after stepping back, and let out a soft whimper, pushing it further toward her. She sat, and let out a shaking breath. Did he wish for her to pick it up? Why? Had he lead her all the way over here just for that? Her paws shakily reached for the mask, grasping it between the toes, and Jessym let out and excited bark, leaping back and wagging his tail while bending down as if he wanted to play, and she looked at him with a sad frown, her head tilting. So he did wish for her to pick it up. But why all this? Did he wish for her to put it on? Had he lead her here so she would enter the masquerade? But why?
Ever so slowly, with paws still shaking, she raised the mask to her face, after taking a very long, hard, thoughtful look at it's velvety back.
It was a perfect fit, a truly, perfect fit.
How had her master found a way for it to fit so perfectly, as if it had always been molded to her features? He was so very kind to her, so very good. It made her want to cry again for a different reason than her heart break, a dull ache that was beginning to retu-
Bark!
Her head snapped up, back to Jessym, who was standing by the start of the pathway leading in, waiting for her, as she now understood was his intent. Had her master put him up to this? No, she doubted that. He would never force her hand in such a way, this was all Jessym's doing.
Clever dog.
Ana stood again, and stepped forward, her legs feeling shaky and weak, but she ignored it, as she took a step again. The odd feeling of the mask against her was a much weirder, more foreign one; it felt very strange to have something so close against her fur, and to know that there was something rimming and surrounding her eyes, but to only just be able to see it. At least it wasn't obscuring her vision at all, that she would very much hate.
The hound stepped forward again, turning back to facing the castle's grand ballroom doors, and started to lead her down the path, until she was at the doors, and he disappeared down another hall, leaving her alone with the guards, who gave a nod to to her, and opened the gate.
She stepped inside.
Instantly she was bombard overwhelmed in the most wonderful way with a beautiful array of sights and colors and sounds and smells, but before she could even begin to take it all in, two figures by a near table stocked full with drool worthy desserts stood out together and caught her eye. Both had halos of brilliant light invisibly tethered to their souls, one looking like the sun, and the other, a fabled angel's crown. The pair stood close to each other, like two lovers that had been long in love, their gazes never leaving the other's for long, and their tails entwining together where they spilled out upon the polished floor. One's pelt was etched in long feathers, appearing like it had been painted by the careful, fine hands of a god, and the other had patterns of golden veins swimming throughout, like gold peaking through a cavern's stony walls. She had seen that sight once, when she and her father had been pressed to take shelter in a cave from a sudden, surging storm. Both wore elegant masks, so carefully crafted and delicate, and exceedingly beautiful. Their garments were just as breathtaking as their intricate masks and their almost glowing presence. It was difficult to tear her eyes away from them once she realized how awkwardly she was standing in the entrance; there was just something special about them, something entrancing that drew her two them. They felt otherworldly almost, ethereal, and they carried themselves in a way not familiar to her, but grand and poised, and almost powerful. They were certainly very wonderfully different to what she knew, that was for certain, and she wished that she did not have to force her gaze away.
Just before she finally tore her gaze from them, she caught the one with an angel's haloed crown feeding a small piece marbled cake to her obvious love, smiles clearly shining in both of their eyes as he took a royally dainty bite, so very strong and noticeable, even from a distance.
Stepping further in, forcing her eyes not to stray back to them, she found herself gazing in awe at the way the ballroom had been transformed. It was already imposing and lovely on it's own, graceful and elegant, with polished surfaces and looming columns and widening stairs, but now, well, it was hard for her to find the words. Decorations had been strewn everywhere, all tastefully done and very beautiful. There was a chandelier upon the ceiling, with chains filled with crystals running from it to each corner of the ballroom, a brilliant light emitting from it's center, peaking out through where it was not encased in sparkling gems. The columns had been painted, or possibly even turned to gold towards the back, and those toward the front were marble mixed with gold, sparkling throughout. Fountains of all kinds decorated the tables that had been laid out around the dance floor, set as neighbors to all kinds of heaping displays of food, free for all those present to take. So many of the castle rooms had been converted to attractions and entertainment as well, some with performers from across the sea, others filled with exotic animals, and others still with rare magics. She had even heard rumors of one filled with bubbles large and strong enough to enter and float inside, but she didn't know if they were true, and she couldn't even see the other halls jutting out from the grand room with all the partygoers inside.
Her gaze shifted to the left, to where the band played it's vigorous songs, and another stole the attention of her eye. He possessed four eyes, two blue, two red mixed with deep orange, and his fur was covered in patterns of carnations, and filled and painted with colors that reminded her of an ocean's waves and salty water. His horns arched like a strong bull's, and his tale had been pulled into an elegant, yet free style. There was something special about him too, familiar almost, as if she had seen him, and his bright colors, in her wildest dreams, where he kept them safe. Near his chest, in front of his heart, was a scene of diamonds and clouds, floating in his halo's light, like a little island in the sky. His colors were much brighter than most kalons she had seen, but he fit in well here, where there were kalons of every possible shape and color. It almost reminded her of her father, but his colors were more pink and red, like her own. It was his heart and love that made them bright. Beside him, was a small kit, older than her, of blue and black, silent, and small in comparison, and staying close to him, for safety and comfort, her tail with a swimming koi fish splaying out behind her, only slightly hidden underneath the sparkling, translucent fabric of her dress. Her hair was cut short, her horns blue, and there were what looked to be crystals upon the dress. She had a few piercings, something quite uncommon here, and she reminded her of a gentle flowing stream. Each of her subtle movements looked like the running, rippling water, that cascaded gracefully over rocks in a stream. They too, were beautiful to watch, a different sort of family than the two lovers she had caught.
Just a little to the right there was another figure that drew her attention as well, a loner, hidden in the shadows. The first thing she noticed about the figure was her long tail with birds flying across, and her colors, a bright turquoise turning to green, like that one kalon's colors of salted sea, mixed alongside cream, and browns tinted with rose. Her garments reminded her of a gypsy's, the sort of thing her father would wear. Her hair was tied up, in a way the almost reminded her of the myth's of genies. She was beautiful, and wild, and didn't quite look at home here, much like Ana probably looked like herself.
Her flitting attention was drawn away to something else again, when the music stopped, and then quickly picked up into a new tune, a tune for a partner's dance. She watched as many couples took to the floor, including a lone dancer, with a billowing hat and tall feather, reminiscent of a pirate's, who seemed to rapidly switch partners, trying to get closer to something, though she wasn't sure what. She wore a cape, a long cape that flowed out behind her as she twirled, revealing a sheathed rapier and a dreadlocked tail fading from browns to gold. She seemed to glitter, with the jewelry that she wore, and even with the rather unusual choice of closing, with all the costumes and masks surrounding them, she blended right in, and fit in perfectly beside the nobles she danced around. As Ana watched her switch partners again with the dance's next twirl, her attention was shifted again to a familiar sight that filled her with a smile, the first smile she had let cross her face that day. It was the first two who she had noticed, dancing together, so very elegantly. They moved like gods of dance, swirling so beautifully together across the dance floor, expertly weaving between all the other couples around them, and gliding across the surface. Their long tails and hair twirled gracefully with them; making them both the perfect picture of beauty and elegance, a most beautiful sight to behold. She was entranced by them, so very entranced, light seeming to emit from them both, like a glow that was there but no one could see. Would she be able to dance like them someday? Was that what her parents looked like, when they were younger, and so very in love? Was that what she would look like someday, when she was much older and grown, if she ever met someone who called so strongly to her heart? If she did meet someone to call her other half, would they be able to mend the broken pieces of her heart, the pieces that she had lost? Would they be able to put her heart back together, and allow it to grow back true and strong? Or perhaps, would she be able to do that first, herself? Her old stories may have been lost, but could she not try and get them back, and create something new? Would that not heal her heart too?
When morning came, the next day, after a night of watching those in the masquerade, and reminding herself of how beautiful the world could truly be, and why she fell in love with writing to begin with, she found herself at her desk again, ink-stained papers to the side, with a quill in her paw, and a fresh parchment before her.
She was very hesitant in her movements and being at first, her paw shaking as she lowered the quill to the parchment, the memories of the tragedy from the night before weighing heavily on her mind, but the moment it touched upon it, all her doubts and fears and pains faded away, and she was truly reminded once again of why she loved it so. The words and ideas came flowing outward from her like a fountain spewing crystal clear waters that fell cold against her skin as she was hit by the scattered spray.
This was magical, this was right, this felt right, why had she ever stopped?
Her love and skill for writing had never left, they had been there, within her still, hiding, waiting for her to discover them again, and to do that, all she had needed was a little reminder, something to show her why that passion was there, just as she had the very first time.
❝ the lady gilded in gold,
oh what a beautiful, entrancing sight to behold
as is her lover at her side,
who's breathtaking light did brightly shine as the steps of their dance took a graceful glide
❞
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