── your past becomes your god

[lol]

é o pau, é a pedra, é o fim do caminho
é um resto de toco, é um pouco sozinho
é um caco de vidro, é a vida, é o sol
é a noite, é a morte, é um laço, é o anzol
é peroba no campo, é o nó da madeira
caingá candeia, é o matita-pereira

é madeira de vento, tombo da ribanceira
é o mistério profundo, é o queira ou não queira
é o vento vetando, é o fim da ladeira
é a viga, é o vão, festa da ciumeira
é a chuva chovendo, é conversa ribeira
das águas de março, é o fim da canseira
é o pé, é o chão, é a marcha estradeira
passarinho na mão, pedra de a tiradeira

é uma ave no céu, é uma ave no chão
é um regato, é uma fonte, é um pedaço de pão
é o fundo do poço, é o fim do caminho
no rosto um desgosto, é um pouco sozinho

é um estepe, é um prego, é uma conta, é um conto
é um pingo pingando, é uma conta, é um ponto
é um peixe, é um gesto, é uma prata brilhando
é a luz da manha, é o tijolo chegando
é a lenha, é o dia, é o fim da picada
é a garrafa de cana, o estilhaço na estrada
é o projeto da casa, é o corpo na cama
é o carro enguiçado, é a lama, é a lama

é um passo, é uma ponte, é um sapo, é uma rã
é um resto de mato na luz da manhã
são as águas de março fechando o verão
é a promessa de vida no teu coração
é uma cobra, é um pau, é joão, é josé
é um espinho na mão, é um corte no pé
são as águas de março fechando o verão
é a promessa de vida no teu coração

é pau, é pedra, é o fim do caminho
é um resto de toco, é um pouco sozinho
é um passo, é uma ponte, é um sapo, é uma rã
é um belo horizonte, é uma febre terça
são as águas de março fechando o verão
é a promessa de vida no teu coração

[ —águas de março by elis regina ]

[lol]

i've probably watched the charlie brown thanksgiving special too many
times to count. it's probably the closet thing to thanksgiving that i can
really amount to...
thanksgiving was never a major favorite holiday for me— probably be-
cause i don't really celebrate it like everybody else does. it's usually
my immediate family that i celebrate with. i don't get to see aunts,
uncles, grandparents, and more.... our food is usually dry or bland,
everyone at the table is typically in a bad mood, and worst of all—
nobody talks.
the charlie brown special is a thanksgiving on its own due to its non-
oblique and crazy plot. snoopy, a god-forsaken dog is making a than-
ksgiving dinner because his owner, charlie brown doesn't know how.
nevertheless, charlie somehow manages to invite like... 20 people
because of his awful luck.
i've just always enjoyed watching it. it's simple, funny, and really
ironic. sadly, apart from the dog-show, it's the best thing that
really marks itself on thanksgiving for me.

𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑷𝒀 𝑻𝑯𝑨𝑵𝑲𝑺𝑮𝑰𝑽𝑰𝑵𝑮! : (sorry i'm such a party pooper)

[lol]

i'm not looking forward to christmas morning
it's going to be everything but boring
she's going to be here, and ruin all of our fun
once she leaves, it'll be a home run

however, i'm looking forward to christmas eve
i get to spend the day with my mom, and who knows what's up her sleeve?
and even though it won't be a white christmas as per usual
i know it'll be just... "beautiful"

in its own way, i suppose
merry christmas.

[lol]

i found a daisy and her name was darling
she was going through a rough time as she was caught quarreling
she flitted and fluttered beautifully in the wind
her beauty was a sore distraction, but she was never pinned

i pitied her quarrel
she had a good moral

her friends constantly warned her about him
the thorns that lived next door were no good
he was valiant and serrated
their love was truly weighted

i found a thorn and his name was beloved
his love was nothing but gloved
the shouts and weeps were nothing but amiss
but his true love, darling, was more than a kiss

i pitied his magnetism
but, he was in a lot of schisms

his friends constantly warned him about her
the daisies that lived next door were no good
she was beautiful and angelic
their love was truly psychedelic

i found a monster and their name was beloved darling...

[lol]

i've made it. thank god 2018 is over. i am so ready for 2019.


THINGS I NEED TO GET BETTER AT / START DOING
- studying fool! you keep asking yourself why your grades are so
poor, well... maybe take the time to actually study
- selfies? taking pictures of myself and feeling comfortable? i've
always hated my face. my bushy eyebrows, my squinty eyes, my
crooked teeth, my off-centered smile, and my big nose. i want at
some point in my lifetime to enjoy the features i have instead of
cowering away and being the photographer for every picture. this
sounds rly self-centered, i know! but i think it's the only way i'll start
to... like myself? (god, that sounds snooty, i don't mean it that way hh)
- face care. i got a bunch of face care junk for christmas/birthday.
i need to start using it so i can improve on my acne ridden face lol
- talking to people? making more friends.
- work on my trust issues. overcome them. i think it'll help me in the
long run since i'm still scared of sticking my neck out for others and
then getting crushed in the end...
- writing! i really work on my writing this year. start new roleplays,
write more poetry, write things for others, character studies, etc.
- voice any troubles i have. 2018 was a really rough and dark year
for me, and i think if i opened my horizon a little more and reached
out to others when i need it— then i won't be forcing myself down
a dark tunnel of doom and gloom ;'/

yep, that's it. i can do it. 2019 has to be better than 2018 lol

[lol]

i'm feeling pretty creative right now. it's a genuine and good
mood to be in, i think. maybe after i unwind for a little bit, i'll
edit some junk and see where it'll take me...

[lol]

i feel sick to my stomach and utterly irritated??? i'm trying to avoid
getting confronted about this, again. they're making it so hard to
obtain just some peace and quiet for more than a day or two. no, i
don't want to call or talk to you again for 10+ hours. i understand
we live miles and miles away, but i can't stand the clinginess this
person shares.

please just let me have some time to myself. i only got to have an
11 day break before you came and tore up my discord, messages,
and many, many, many other social platforms. thank you lmao

[lol]

yeehaw, haven't posted on here for awhile! just wanted
to come on here and say.... happy 4 yr cs anniversary!
also, i find it kinda funny that it happens to be on tom
hiddleston's birthday, but... you didn't hear that from
me.

can't believe i've been on this site for this long? i
mean, now thinking back on it... i miss all the friends
i encountered, the roleplays i participated/created,
and the drama that i enlisted in. it was all fun and
games and i'm glad that i found this website.

also !! to whoever is reading this or my junk— thank
you! i couldn't have done much without your
anonymous support aha. here's to another year on
cs...

[lol]

i'm caught in a lie
i've manipulated them
my motives proved wrong...

[lol]

i sleep in the devil's bed more than twice a week
and seemingly, it's nothing more than just a quick sneak
for as though i'm there for two weeks, i want it to be an eternity
i wish the devil could lather me up in his paternity
it would be easier than living borderline in any given state
and my friends are trying to tug me out of this awful weight

they don't want me in the devil's bed, they want me in god's deluxe twin-double

maybe it for the best that the devil keeps me wanting more
like some sort of greedy panther lurking for a big boar
or perhaps my mentality has it so i'm facing the wrong direction
how can i find myself if i've lost my entire connection?
i've been shaped in tasteless dreams my entire life
how is it that suddenly i want to change my strife?

they don't want me in the devil's bed, they want me in god's deluxe twin-double

so i'll wither and wait for a sign of appreciation
but i'll just sit in absolute hesitation.......
who am i? who am i? who am i? who am i? who am i?