So, this hasnt been on my mind that much but when I think about it, it sticks around for awhile. Pretty much my best friend, thats helped me through middle school, she was my only true friend in middle school, but shes become a social butterfly and making other friends. She doesnt talk to me unless were at school, and even then i have to start the conversations. She has her first boyfriend now, which i know can be exciting but shes just leaving me in the dirt. I really dont appreciate it, plus i feel like were losing our friendship. I just dont know what to do about it. I have other friends, but shes helped me a lot. I used to be this annoying kid that no one wanted to be friends with. I probably still am, but when i was like that i gained and lost friends all the time. They just never seemed to stick around. I believe thats the reason why I play on my computer so much. No one has to know the real me, the real annoying individual i am. I have a friend that I met on Animal Jam back in like 2013, and in 2015 my mom asked me if i wanted to meet her in person, so i was like heck yeah dood why not. So I met my closest best friend in person, just to mention, she lives two hours away from me. We still hang out every now and then, but I wish i lived right next door. Shes so helpful in life and I just need her in my daily life, but that cant and wont happen. Since she lives so far away, and im pretty much losing my other best friend, i feel alone. I’ve dealt with loneliness my entire life, which has made me a home-body. The only times i come out of my room is for school, or food. I love being a home-body except the fact that im just so alone all the time, which is my fault. I cant really do anything about it because when i try to make plans i want to make them with the people i like, my two best friends. But ones too far, and the other never wants to do anything. I just feel stuck in quicksand, I cant get out and the more i struggle the deeper i fall.
Now, this is a completely different problem, and i wrote it in my notes the day it happened.
today is October 14th 2017 and i have bought a bunch of rainbow stuff for halloween, because i thought i’d have a ‘gay’ (happy) halloween. I thought it’d be funny but mom doesn’t like it. she got mad at me for spending my money on a costume, even though i’ve been wearing the same costume for the past like three or four years. when she found out that i spent my money, she got upset and said she wanted to take me shopping for a halloween costume, which i didn’t know about. Its okay if shes upset because i spent the money but then she said something that upset me. She said, “why are you supporting something that you’re not”. Shes right, i’m not gay, i’m bi, but i fully support the gay community. So now were at the piercing place for alyssa (my sister),i’m sitting and she comes to ask me stuff about why i bought it and my sexuality came into place. I said to her “Im bisexual” and she asked “why?”. I had never put much thought into it but this really made me think. “why am i bi?” and i started realizing maybe i’m not bi maybe i’m straight. i don’t know what i am anymore. She completely made me rethink my life, which was already thought out, and unnecessary . Then i remind myself that i’m bi because no matter the gender, people are people. We’re all humans. What does it matter if i like both genders? Why is it such a bad thing to my mom? I start feeling like i’m not accepted anymore by my parents. I don’t know what to do or think. So i’m sitting down, waiting for someone to call alyssa back to get her piercing, and my dad starts rubbing my knee in a supporting, loving way. I about start crying for the second time today, because i thought my dad was unhappy with my sexuality. My mom sits beside me, looking seriously stressed and unhappy. I tap her arm and say “mom”, she looks at me and i pat the seat, telling her to move closer, and she does. I tell her i love her and i rest my head on her shoulder in a comforting way, telling her i’m not mad at her. She starts crying and then to escape the moment she gets up and tells us she has to go to work, even thought she still had about an hour until she had to go. She leaves, in tears, and my dad asks me whats wrong with her, i say i don’t know and that i think shes just very stressed, knowing she was crying because of me.
Sorry for the long stories, i just really needed to let this all out