Journey for the Lost

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Total votes : 7

Journey for the Lost

Postby Ranger of the North » Sun Oct 29, 2017 8:48 pm

Posting is more than welcome! I'd love to see feedback :D
This was really new to me — I've never tried the style before,
or the type of speech, so it was interesting to experiment with!
Feel free to ask questions, because there's a lot of NZ lore cx

Judge's stats:
Grammar/spelling
(construction): 9/10
Creativity/originality: 9/10
Style/consistency: 8/10
(1, 492 words)
Last edited by Ranger of the North on Sun Oct 29, 2017 9:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Journey for the Lost

Postby Ranger of the North » Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:49 am

xxxxxSeven Little Eyes peered down from on high, gleaming like lost souls in the blackness of night. They watched silently as a small, far-off figure wove its way through the plant-life below, barely disturbing a leaf.

xxxxxKaia paused to regard the sky, pensively biting her lip. ‘What detains Veil?’ she wondered, noticing the Little Eyes’ curious gleam. ‘Could he have forgotten our agreement?’ Sudden alarm flickered in her heart. ‘Or mayhap death —
xxxxx‘Foolishness!’
The girl ground her teeth, refusing to allow the black thoughts merit.
xxxxxVeil would come through.
xxxxxVeil would be alive.
xxxxxVeil always did — and always was.
xxxxx‘Please!’ she begged, and began to pace feverishly, unable to convince herself of her friend’s well-being.
xxxxxThe Eyes’ gaze burned like fire down her spine, and suddenly she could take it no more. Flinging her arms skyward, Kaia whistled, long and gentle like the song of an evening bell. And the Little Eyes acknowledged her persuasive call.
xxxxx“Thy friend lies not to the East,” the first whispered with the sigh of the wind.
xxxxx“Nor to the South,” another gleamed.
xxxxx“Nor North.”
xxxxxA breeze murmured softly to the sleeping trees, and beneath its voice Kaia heard the faintest of voices from the smallest of stars.
xxxxx“To the West lies thy friend — ‘neath the Lord of the Forest.”
xxxxx Kaia bowed, a smile gracing her lips, and thanked the stars.
xxxxxBefore, she had been fearful and uncertain. Now, she knew where her path lay, and for countless hours, ‘cross river and stream, she walked tirelessly to find her friend.
xxxxxAt last, as the Burning Sun stretched yellow fingers to warm the cold earth, Kaia caught sight of her friend nestled securely beneath the Lord of the Forest's mighty roots.
xxxxx “Ahoy, Veil!” the girl's joyous shout rang through the air as she ducked quickly beneath a low-hanging branch. “Thank Tāne! I feared you stricken,” she whistled in falcon tongue, hastening down a short slope to the bird. “What befell you?”
xxxxx “Naught worth mentioning,” the bird screeched, eyes flashing with anger. “I merely overexerted myself, and sought shelter here.”
xxxxxChuckling softly, Kaia reached a hand out to smooth her friend's ruffled feathers. “Fear not, Veil,” she smiled, “the best of us make mistakes.
xxxxx“But that aside, whither did the winds bear you?”
xxxxx “O'er hill and vale to the desolate Breath for Food Mountains,” the falcon chirped gravely. “But oh, Kaia, life still clings to the crags! Trees and birds such as even you could never imagine!”
xxxxx“What!” she exclaimed. “How could I have missed this place?”
xxxxx “You shall be hard-pressed to reach it, even with my guidance. 'Tis through no fault of yours — ‘though the best of us make mistakes.”
xxxxxKaia laughed aloud, and the falcon joined her.
xxxxx“Are you rested?” she queried after a moment, and for answer the falcon spread wide his wings.
xxxxx“Certainly. Onward?”
xxxxx “Onward!” With an eager cry, girl and falcon melted into the bushes.
xxxxxOn into days, and out into weeks, the two travelled together. On, until nigh-on a month had passed by unnoticed. On, until the Breath for Food Mountains reared their white-capped heads.
xxxxx“Behold, friend!” Veil cried from on high, and Kaia smiled up at him. “Those which no human has yet tamed.”
xxxxx She gazed up at the towering, snow-blanketed mountains, white as a queen’s mantle, and awe filled her heart. “’Tis beauteous beyond compare!”
xxxxx“Verily,” the falcon agreed, settling comfortably on her shoulder. “But come, Kaia, away! We cannot tarry overlong. Many more leagues lie before us, and you must see the wonders of the mountains with your own eyes — though it be only the least I can do,” he added accusingly.
xxxxx Kaia smiled fondly at her companion, and gently smoothed his feathers. “It means more to me than you presume, friend.”
xxxxxTime wound slowly amongst the mountains, and as she climbed, Kaia’s body began to ache like never before. Gusting wind snatched the air from her mouth before she could breathe, and she soon doubled-over, fighting desperately for breath. Thus, as Veil had flown out of sight, she failed to notice the hidden root stretched directly across her path.
xxxxxThe girl’s ankle caught with a sickening crack, and a scream of agony tore her throat like sandpaper as she dropped to the ground. “Veil!” White-hot pain raced like lightning from her ankle, and she struggled to calm her churning insides.
xxxxx“I say, what happened!” Veil whistled in alarm, diving swiftly to the ground and eyeing her worriedly.
xxxxx“I — my ankle — be it broken, or — or sprained?” she gasped, face ashen. “Tell me t-truly.”
xxxxx“I... cannot tell,” the falcon admitted shamefacedly, and he hung his head.
xxxxxKaia groaned, leaning back against the mountainside. Sweat beaded her brow. “Alas, Veil, I cannot go f-further. I have not the — the strength to continue,” she choked.
xxxxx“Come now!” the falcon whistled in alarm, hopping closer. “Come now, friend! Holdfast to hope, all will be well in time.
xxxxx“Surely it is not so bad as all that?” he added anxiously. “If you push forward —”
xxxxxKaia shook her head weakly, lips clasped tightly shut. “I have, my friend, for many years. I have, but — but no more.” A strangled sob of defeat and pain burst from her lips, and tears fell like bitter rain.
xxxxxShe had failed. Veil wept. They had failed.
xxxxxSuddenly, a screech rang out from the mountaintop.
xxxxxKaia’s face grew pale as the dead, and Veil shrieked in alarm for his friend.
xxxxx“Ve-il —” The girl’s stiff lips refused to move, and she was unable to continue.
xxxxx“Hold still, hold still, hold still, my friend!” Veil cried agitatedly as she attempted to rise. “Hold still, sit down. I shall investigate, rest your injury!” Kaia smiled weakly, and he leapt aloft.
xxxxxOnly a second later, a startled whistle echoed down the mountainside, and instantly the falcon reappeared.
xxxxx“They come! They come! They come to us! They come!” he shrieked, and Kaia collapsed back.
xxxxx“Be you certain, Veil?” she stammered. “Whom do you speak of? Surely —” Her voice broke off in an involuntary gasp.
xxxxxMajestically gliding down from the mountain, and nestled securely in the arms of the wind, were three magnificent eagles. Dazzling flashes of colour blazed brightly with each powerful wingbeat, accentuated by the blacks and dark-browns of the birds’ bodies. Swiftly they approached, feathery crests burning blood-red in the afternoon sunlight as they swooped in great, ever-diminishing circles.
xxxxxBreath coming in quick, short gasps, Kaia painfully forced herself upright, not daring to believe her eyes.
xxxxxSkillfully angling their wings, the eagles described a last graceful circle and drifted softly to the ground, where they stood, eyeing the friends gravely.
xxxxx“Welcome, Kaia Farspeech and Veil Longflight,” the foremost bird began finally. “Mine brethren hath heard many a tale of thy bravery and wit in seeking us. Why dost thou approach us now?”
xxxxx Kaia swallowed deeply, wiping her eyes with a hand that shook as if with seizure.
xxxxx“You're — you’re alive,” she faltered after a time. “How c-can this be?” Her lips trembled.
xxxxx“Immediately our ancestors realised thy people determined to destroy us, they concealed fledglings — our forefathers — within these mountains,” a female screeched. “Now we live safely, unmolested by thy people — until now.”
xxxxxKaia trembled beneath the eagle’s ire. “M-my people no more,” she amended, fighting to steady her voice. “Long have I sought you, disregarding their customs, and here — here my journey ends. You live.” Tears again sprang to her eyes, and with hasty fingers she wiped them away.
xxxxxShe had done it. The eagles were alive.
xxxxxEven so, a gaping space yawned wide in the pit of her soul. What more could the world hold? Nothing comparable with the knowledge that great eagles still lived, and if she returned home after all — returned to the humans — what would befall her friendship with Veil?
xxxxxThe two companions had succeeded, but their hearts lay heavy.
xxxxx“Thine wishes be fulfilled, howbeit you appear downhearted?” the foremost eagle questioned, and he regarded them thoughtfully.
xxxxx“In these mountains,” he continued, indifferent to Kaia’s attempt at speech, “we prosper. Yet against illnesses we possess no defence — healing requires the hands of thy kind, Farspeech.”
xxxxxKaia's breath caught like a moth in her throat, and she dared not believe her ears. “I... do not understand? S-surely you jest?”
xxxxx“Doth it look as though we have hands, Farspeech? We have need of thine — wilt thou come?”
xxxxxKaia drew a trembling breath as her ankle cried for attention.
xxxxxAnd she exhaled, releasing a jumbled fog of broken thoughts.
xxxxxShe inhaled, raising her hands and surveying their scarred surfaces with disbelief. Her eyes met Veil’s, and the falcon’s eyes shone — there would be no need to disband.
xxxxxExhaling once more, Kaia dared to believe.
xxxxx“I will come.”

xxxxxSeven Little Eyes peered down from on high, dwarfed by the glory of the sun. They watched silently as a small, far-off figure, mounted astride a mighty eagle, was borne over the mountains and out of sight.
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby kanni » Mon Oct 30, 2017 8:03 pm

Dang. I dont even know where to begin. This was beautiful Ranger, i'm uber proud of you! I love the oldtimey kind of writing, and unlike a lot of stuff people write, IT MAKES SENSE!! Keep it up fam :)
Last edited by kanni on Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby Ranger of the North » Tue Oct 31, 2017 6:07 pm

♥BeefyFish♥ wrote:Dang. I dont even know where to begin. This was beautiful Ranger, i'm uber proud of you! I love the oldtimey kind of writing, and unlike a lot of stuff people write, IT MAKES SENSE!! Keep it up fam :)
Aw, thank you so much, man! I'm really glad it worked for you; glad you like it :D
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby Ranger of the North » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:29 am

Boop!
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby winged-backpack » Wed Nov 08, 2017 4:26 pm

This is really good! I love the descriptions and the characters, and I think it's really effective how you've started and ended with the same phrase. Keep it up, this is so good!
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby Ranger of the North » Wed Nov 08, 2017 7:34 pm

winged-backpack wrote:This is really good! I love the descriptions and the characters, and I think it's really effective how you've started and ended with the same phrase. Keep it up, this is so good!
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it :D
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby Arya22 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:12 pm

Right well I've started reading all those little you wrote and honestly-
This is by far my favorite you've written!! I love the different language and story. ^^
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby Ranger of the North » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:19 pm

Arya22 wrote:Right well I've started reading all those little you wrote and honestly-
This is by far my favorite you've written!! I love the different language and story. ^^
Thank you so much!! It was quite hard to write for me, so I'm really glad you liked it :D
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Re: Journey for the Lost

Postby DeMaizu » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:45 pm

I think what I really liked about this was the friendship between Veil and Kaia; it was cool! The wording threw be off a bit; probably because I'm not used to it more than anything else. The phrasings and (like BeefyFish said) "oldtimey" way that the characters spoke, I mean; it made sense, it just took me a second or so to go "oh, that's the equivalent of such-and-such." Really cool!
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