★ Create A Clan Fanclub V.3 ★

[Arya22]

@dino
Looks really good so far, nothing to say!
I'm excited to see what 'stuff' Deerpaw dies at the end. ^ ^

[justice'n'joy]

@chamrosh
Suddenly wants a Puffkit.

[Chamrosh]

@artorias
Thanks!

@I'm Joy
It's from a type of fungi (Puffball fungus), but I feel like it'd be pretty likely to be from a cat who was originally a kitty pet- largely because there's a local cat to me called Puff who's absolutely lovely.

[Dinolil1]

Guys, is this prologue good or nah?



Sunlight flickered down through the leaves of the towering trees, casting shadows on the forest floor. A dark brown tabby lay along the twisted branch of a towering oak, looking down on his murmuring council. Nearby his deputy looked nervous, her face pinched and tense. ''Relax, Blueclaw.'' the elderly tom sighed. ''One of these days, you're going to give yourself a heart-attack over nothing.'' Blueclaw looked up at her leader, shaking her head stubbornly. ''Mudstar, please focus!'' She replied. ''Cats have been vanishing and that doesn't worry you?'' Mudstar pulled himself into an upright position and groaned. ''three cats have vanished, that's nothing new.'' ''Not in front of their mentor's eyes!'' Blueclaw snapped. Below the bickering two, there were four other cats. ''Salmonpelt...are you sure?'' inquired Ternnose, looking terribly uncertain. ''I'm sure as eggs is eggs, we have to leave!'' the spotted tabby declares. ''But what about the lost cats?'' Shadestorm frowns. ''Are we just going to abandon them?'' Salmonpelt sighs deeply, staring thoughtfully at the dark grey tom. ''If that is what we need to do to save ourselves, then yes.'' Next to him a dark brown tabby recoiled from as though he were infected by greencough. ''Salmonpelt, are you really saying this?!'' Swiftflower exclaimed in disbelief. ''Abandon my son?!'' Salmonpelt nods sternly. ''Yes, abandon your son, Swiftflower...he's good as dead anyway.'' Fur bristling, Swiftflower approached him angrily. ''You fox!'' she spat, fur bristling. ''Do you have no concept of family?'' ''Swiftflower...'' ''Shut up, Ternnose.'' Suddenly Mudstar leaped down from the branch and calmly strode up to the furious warrior. ''Swiftflower....don't worry.'' he assured her, offering her a kindly smile. ''We won't be leaving any time soon, we simply don't have the resources nor the time.'' Swiftflower smiled feebly, clearly reassured by this. ''But Mudstar-!'' Salmonpelt whined, shaking his head in disbelief. ''Be quiet, Salmonpelt...this meeting is adjourned, it is clear we must wait for some sign from the stars above.''

[amethyst14]

It is kind of hard to read and some of the dialog got confusing as well. I like the imagery in the beginning though and the plot kind of confuses me. Has more than three cats gone missing?
As that is what I got when he said "it is nothing new"

[Simonpet]

@Dino: It's a good prologue but you need to space out the dialogue. For example:

"Relax, Blueclaw," the elderly tom sighed. "One of these days, you're going to give yourself a heart-attack over nothing.

Blueclaw looked up at her leader, shaking her head stubbornly. "Mudstar, please focus!" she replied. "Cats have been vanishing and that doesn't worry you?"

The spacing out is both a) correct in dialogue and b) easier to read. However, if you're going to color-code everyone's dialogue, that's a different thing entirely and while I'm still not a fan of the big paragraph, it would work.

[Dinolil1]

@Simon & Ame


Would this be better?:

Sunlight flickered down through the leaves of the towering trees, casting shadows on the forest floor. A dark brown tabby lay along the twisted branch of a towering oak, looking down on his murmuring council. Nearby his deputy looked nervous, her face pinched and tense. ''Relax, Blueclaw.'' the elderly tom sighed. ''One of these days, you're going to give yourself a heart-attack over nothing.''

Blueclaw looked up at her leader, shaking her head stubbornly. ''Mudstar, please focus!'' She replied. ''Cats have been vanishing and that doesn't worry you?'' Mudstar pulled himself into an upright position and groaned. ''Three cats have vanished, that's nothing new.'' ''Not in front of their mentor's eyes!'' Blueclaw snapped.

Below the bickering two, there were four other cats. ''Salmonpelt...are you sure?'' inquired Ternnose, looking terribly uncertain. ''I'm sure as eggs is eggs, we have to leave!'' the spotted tabby declares. ''But what about the lost cats?'' Shadestorm frowns. ''Are we just going to abandon them?'' Salmonpelt sighs deeply, staring thoughtfully at the dark grey tom. ''If that is what we need to do to save ourselves, then yes.'' Next to him a dark brown tabby recoiled from as though he were infected by greencough. ''Salmonpelt, are you really saying this?!'' Swiftflower exclaimed in disbelief. ''Abandon my son?!'' Salmonpelt nods sternly. ''Yes, abandon your son, Swiftflower...he's good as dead anyway.'' Fur bristling, Swiftflower approached him angrily. ''You fox!'' she spat, fur bristling. ''Do you have no concept of family?'' ''Swiftflower...'' ''Shut up, Ternnose.'' Suddenly Mudstar leaped down from the branch and calmly strode up to the furious warrior. ''Swiftflower....don't worry.'' he assured her, offering her a kindly smile. ''We won't be leaving any time soon, we simply don't have the resources nor the time.'' Swiftflower smiled feebly, clearly reassured by this. ''But Mudstar-!'' Salmonpelt whined, shaking his head in disbelief. ''Be quiet, Salmonpelt...this meeting is adjourned, it is clear we must wait for some sign from the stars above.''

And Ame, what Mudstar means is that cats have left the clan before, so them choosing to leave in the middle of the night isn't new!

[amethyst14]

Maybe instead of Mudstar saying ''Three cats have vanished, that's nothing new.'' You can word it differently? Like "Cats have chosen to leave before, what makes these three so special?" or something like this.

Also the last paragraph with Salmonpelt and Swiftflower I think could be broken up. Usually in a scene with dialect each cat will have a new line. An example would be;

Mudstar talks here.

Salmonpelt talks here.

Mudtstar talks again.

Swiftflower chimes in.

Like this. Though it can seem like it would take up a lot of space. However, it makes it much easier to read.

[Simonpet]

@Dino: I sent you a giant PM just now. I also agree with what ame said about rewording Mudstar's dialogue slightly to make people less confused as to why he's so relaxed. Maybe he could also dismiss Blueclaw's worry by saying that the cats must have left quietly and it only seemed like they disappeared because they didn't want anyone else to know or were too ashamed.

[Dinolil1]

@Ame

Ah! Gotcha!
And I'm just gonna casually steal that speech, yeah...that cool?

@Simon

I'm just reading it! Thank you!