. lonely words

[reverie,]

the musician;
he glows under the stage lights
like some sort of angel with long hair
and a pretty pretty voice to match
and those cheek bone, oh yes, don't forget about those.

maybe he wears a leather jacket
or just a black t-shirt
skinny boys with
perfect eyes.

they come with the satisfaction
you have them,
you have something so many other girls want
but cannot have.

don't do it
unless you're ready to be lonely
maybe for a month, maybe two, maybe six.
because they will go on tour
and you will not.

because they will write songs about their
past loves, who aren't you
and you will have to listen to them
every time you see them perform.

because their eyes are so wide open
yet they are so blind
when it comes to their emotions
and your words.

go for it
if you're addicted to heartbreak too
but when you're laying on the bathroom floor
with a spinning pain in your stomach
you cannot say you haven't been warned

[reverie,]

i didn't like this one anymore ---

[reverie,]

I cut up my thumb on a shard of broken glass the other night
and twenty four hours later I cut my heart looking at you

how cliche was that?
okay okay

I lied when I said if I could make things better I would do it for you
I'd do it for me

I don't want to hurt you
I just want to pick at your wounds
See, when I was little I'd pick off my scabs
and pinch my bruises
because I thought if I felt all the pain at once
it would go away faster
I guess I took that to adulthood
along with all the ugly scars it left
that's not how life works.

How sad,
in those five months I hardily learned anything about you
apart from your skinny body
and dirty hands
and baby face.

I don't
I don't wanna know you.
Your silence is a virtue.

[reverie,]

Don't worry about me
I'll find myself a home eventually

I'll never be able to relive the lightning nights
we sat on a white washed porch and drank four loko
in a dirty little city
playing spit next to the burning citronella

we're here to make new memories
I have to accept everything eventually
everyones getting older
the rain is getting warmer

there are new boys on the block
my friends stuck around another season

I haven't written in my actual journal in a while
maybe I will start again

[reverie,]

It's an entirely other feeling
running through a pitch black backyard
in a torrential downpour
soaked to the bone

I shook my hair out under the shelter of the screened porch
it is 53 degrees and the night feels so warm

i'm smiling
graced by the presence of some new faces
boys who endlessly talk about strip clubs, hunting, and growing old
i didn't mind though
open-mindedness; it's a blessing

and I woke up
to a view of the mist rolling through the mountains, the valley
in a warm little room,
wearing a pair of extra large sweatpants, rolled to fit my tiny waist.
I endlessly appreciate wild nights which end
the most quiet mornings.

[reverie,]

i don't even know what this was.

[reverie,]

I have gotten everything I wanted here
I am the sin
I have dreamed about being the pale pale girl
with long blonde hair
and dark eyes

The girl boys see in their dreams
and only ever seem to get to touch once.

and that is me.

but never once did I think it would come with the most looming
loneliness
the realization they will tire of cold skin
of tired eyes
of mildly chemical breath

I lost my gold for you
I sold it away the moment you kissed my collarbone
and told me you'd stay;
and I followed you into the rain
to where this is little refuge
and the few umbrellas which pass over my head
kiss my gently and dry me off delicately
and continue on their way to a different home.

[reverie,]

four hours of sleep

I woke up to blood pouring out of my nose

I burned my toast

and then the come down-

I smiled at the boy I've loved so much for so long
but he cannot see me; he is looking in the direction of someone far prettier than me

I smiled at the boy I kissed recently
i realize now he was out to lunch with another blonde i've never seen before

I washed my nose out with saline

I tried my best to mend my heart with dark chocolate
and a blend of dreamy psychedelic surf music

[reverie,]

I have never loved a conventionally unattractive creature.
call me vain.

that is, until i met you
because your awkwardly long, damaged hair was something i loved to touch
and your scruffy short facial hair was something i didn't mind kissing.
Nor did i mind kissing your yellowed, damaged, crooked teeth
and I never cared about scar under your eye
or the deep red lines under your dark eye bags.
I didn't mind your unusually skinny legs, the fact you wore women's jeans.

I can say now that yes, you weren't attractive by the definition of Cosmopolitan;
but I know for a fact i truly loved you,
when i'm sitting around a fire and hearing other girls talk about how your teeth could use work
I don't care
when I hear people say your body is weak, you'd lose in a fight
I don't care
when my friends criticize the tattoo you got
It shows who you are
and I love you
for all that
for everything.

[reverie,]

I pathetically haven't been able to write lately

it's been a whirlwind
fueled by adrenaline and a lack of time to breathe
she had it all
the puffy red eyes
and the kindest smile.

her adventure drew her to unknown territories
where the grounds shook
and collapsed unpredictably;

her skin is fragile
and subsequently she is cut and bruised
she is bitter
and still curious.

her eyes touched people she never expected to meet
and they embraced her existence for the moment.

as appreciative as she is for the sun
something has stuck behind her eyes
that makes her cry some nights

her imagination projects his being
creating an inescapable presence
at the worst times;
the times when she's feeling the most secure.