by FlitterRayne » Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:21 pm
Dear Mom,
I miss so much the person you used to be before your cancer returned. Your laugh, silly humor, comfort, support and faith. I miss the woman who raised me, who took me to garage sales, taught me to haggle, and even the fights we used to have...if anything it showed you still loved and cared what happened to everyone around you...even if I was wrong.
I hate what is happening to you right now. I hate seeing you fade before our eyes, seeing you so weak, seeing you trying not to give up, seeing you sick, in the hospital, and so afraid, even if you try not to show it.
I'm afraid as well, and this is so hard for all of us...but we're all trying to be strong. I know I hide quite a bit, for my daughter's sake, as younger ones always look to the adults around them for clues on how to feel, and how to handle emotions. She's scared too, so scared and trying to hold it together. She so fears losing you, and I do too.
It's not fair, and I so want to clutch you to me and sob with you, but we can't for multiple reasons, and I know and respect that. But I beg for just a little more time, for you to stay, for you not to be cheated into this incurable sickness.
Above all, I pray for you, that you find peace, that you no longer feel so sick, that you find that grace God grants to those lucky enough before they pass. I pray that you find comfort in these treatments in hopes that one, even if it doesn't let you stay with us longer, that you feel more able to press on until your journey ends. I pray for so much more, but even these basic things would mean the world to our family.
I wish I could say all of this to you, but I know I'll never be able to. I'm barely able to hold myself together just typing this...but I feel better saying them here, if nothing else. I fully believe you'll be greated in heaven and accepted in...your faith was stronger than many I've known, and I hope to follow you there one day. But I believe once you're there, this letter will land in your hands for you to see, that you know of all of these things, my hopes, my prayers, my worries, wishes and love, with that understanding and clarity available to us only after we sit beside God's golden love.
Please, please always know I love you...you've always been so supportive, and had nothing but love for your family. You've set a hard example to follow, big shoes to fill, but I hope one day I can be even half the woman you are. I love you!
~FlitterRayne
Remembering my Mother lost last June 17th, 2017. You are loved and well missed.
Known as "FlitterRayne" on Eldemore and Flight Rising well. Trades in both places welcomed!