The RP School-Tutors Needed-Learn past the basics of RPing

[SilverDoe]

Username:SilverDoe
How long have you been role-playing?: Since I was inroduced to the CS forums.
Favourite type of RP: Cat RPs, human RPs. Some RPs I just love:

+Unsafe Sancuary+
The Seers
One-on-One Warrior cats RP
Timezone:North-West European
Do you agree to not take the criticism personally and do as your mentor says?: Yes, I agree and would love to be told how to improve!
What level of role-playing do you consider yourself?: I can write semi-lit, perhaps almost leaning towards literate at times, but mostly I RP at a novice level.
Sample of me at my best:

Victoria kicked a pebble wihout looking up. Sometimes, she felt she didn't care if a hunter found her, but she shook the feeling away. She would have to live through this if she was to ever avenge Sern. That was the only goal left in her life - but living long enough to achieve it would be very difficult. Her contact lenses might fool ordinary humans, but the hunters knew her face. They were bound to find her someday, somehow. She just hoped this time she would be able to take them down. At least, being a seer, she would be able to tell if someone was a hunter the moment she saw them - that is, unless they were female. Vicoria still did not look up as she sat down on a bench, and was surprised to find there was already someone sitting on it.

She quickly got up, smiling and apologising. Then she notice the girls rainbow - colored eyes. 'You're a seer!' she gasped. 'Don't worry, I'm one, too. Perhaps we could help each other out.' She smiled again. It would be nice having a companion again - she'd been on her own since Sern had been killed. I would be nice, but painful.

Vicoria sat down again, then took out a pad and began to scribble down a story. She paused, halfway finished, and erased everything she had written. It was hopeless. She doubted she would ever truly be absorbed by the world of literature again without Sern. Sern had been everything for her. She shook her head to banish hose thoughts and turned back to the other seer. 'So, what do you think?'

or

Lightpelt flicked her tail in contempt. It had been days since she had last eaten, and her stomach was rumbling. She hated the solitary Cofinment.If only, if only she had planned her escape more carefully. If only the keeper hadn't spoted her as she had climbed the tree. The keepers had heated this room to make her even more miserable - the place she came from was always freezing, and her coat was matted with sweat. She did not miss the company, but she did miss the Main Pen. The space was confined, though not as confined as it was in the Solitary Confinment, and the treatment was cruel even there, but anything - anything - was better than here.

Lightpelt heard someone opening the latch. She tryed to jump to her feet, but was too weak after spending so long in the Solitary confinment. Someone grabbed her scruff, and she felt herself being pulled towards a cage. She tryed to struggle, but her consciousness was slowly slipping away. In the background, she heard someone mutter something about some new punishment. She knew she should have been more cautious...

Sample of me at my worst:

Swift walked over and nuzzled Aroura. 'Would you like to go on a hunt with me?'

Are there any certain times you cannot be on?: Past midnight in my timezone. XP

[.:OboeLove:.]

Thank you for joining, you are now a student Two more people in your class and your thread will be made.

[SilverDoe]

Thank you for accepting me! By the way, could you please give me some constructive critisism on my samples?

[.:OboeLove:.]

Victoria kicked a pebble wihout looking up. Sometimes, she felt she didn't care if a hunter found her, but she shook the feeling away. She would have to live through this if she was to ever avenge Sern. That was the only goal left in her life - but living long enough to achieve it would be very difficult. Her contact lenses might fool ordinary humans, but the hunters knew her face. They were bound to find her someday, somehow. She just hoped this time she would be able to take them down. At least, being a seer, she would be able to tell if someone was a hunter the moment she saw them - that is, unless they were female. Vicoria still did not look up as she sat down on a bench, and was surprised to find there was already someone sitting on it.

She quickly got up, smiling and apologising. Then she notice the girls rainbow - colored eyes. 'You're a seer!' she gasped. 'Don't worry, I'm one, too. Perhaps we could help each other out.' She smiled again. It would be nice having a companion again - she'd been on her own since Sern had been killed. I would be nice, but painful.

Vicoria sat down again, then took out a pad and began to scribble down a story. She paused, halfway finished, and erased everything she had written. It was hopeless. She doubted she would ever truly be absorbed by the world of literature again without Sern. Sern had been everything for her. She shook her head to banish hose thoughts and turned back to the other seer. 'So, what do you think?'

First of all, you could try describing your environment, where is she? In the forest, in Ne York, in some small town? Describe her appearance, have her fool with her hair, or instead of keeping her eyes down you could say "Victoria kept her (insert eye colour here) eyes down, unmoving from the ground". Describe the character you are interacting with as well. What does she look like? I think you're rushing a bit, too, you're having Victoria sit down and start another conversation before the other character can react to her appearance.

Lightpelt flicked her tail in contempt. It had been days since she had last eaten, and her stomach was rumbling. She hated the solitary Cofinment.If only, if only she had planned her escape more carefully. If only the keeper hadn't spoted her as she had climbed the tree. The keepers had heated this room to make her even more miserable - the place she came from was always freezing, and her coat was matted with sweat. She did not miss the company, but she did miss the Main Pen. The space was confined, though not as confined as it was in the Solitary Confinment, and the treatment was cruel even there, but anything - anything - was better than here.

Lightpelt heard someone opening the latch. She tryed to jump to her feet, but was too weak after spending so long in the Solitary confinment. Someone grabbed her scruff, and she felt herself being pulled towards a cage. She tryed to struggle, but her consciousness was slowly slipping away. In the background, she heard someone mutter something about some new punishment. She knew she should have been more cautious...

Describe Lightpelt's tail, give her thoughts to describe her hunger. On 'tryed' here's an old saying to remember how to spell it correctly, "i before e except after c." When she goes unconscious, you could have her go limp in the keeper's arms.

Swift walked over and nuzzled Aroura. 'Would you like to go on a hunt with me?'

Describe Swift's colour and fur type. Describe how he walks, slowly, with purpose? Try to tell us what it looks like around him, maybe even what season it is by adding how the snow or sun, even rain felt on his back, or the crunch of leaves under his feet. When he nuzzles Aroura, does he feel anything, think anything?

[SilverDoe]

Victoria kicked a pebble wihout looking up. Sometimes, she felt she didn't care if a hunter found her, but she shook the feeling away. She would have to live through this if she was to ever avenge Sern. That was the only goal left in her life - but living long enough to achieve it would be very difficult. Her contact lenses might fool ordinary humans, but the hunters knew her face. They were bound to find her someday, somehow. She just hoped this time she would be able to take them down. At least, being a seer, she would be able to tell if someone was a hunter the moment she saw them - that is, unless they were female. Vicoria still did not look up as she sat down on a bench, and was surprised to find there was already someone sitting on it.

She quickly got up, smiling and apologising. Then she notice the girls rainbow - colored eyes. 'You're a seer!' she gasped. 'Don't worry, I'm one, too. Perhaps we could help each other out.' She smiled again. It would be nice having a companion again - she'd been on her own since Sern had been killed. I would be nice, but painful.

Vicoria sat down again, then took out a pad and began to scribble down a story. She paused, halfway finished, and erased everything she had written. It was hopeless. She doubted she would ever truly be absorbed by the world of literature again without Sern. Sern had been everything for her. She shook her head to banish hose thoughts and turned back to the other seer. 'So, what do you think?'

First of all, you could try describing your environment, where is she? In the forest, in Ne York, in some small town? Describe her appearance, have her fool with her hair, or instead of keeping her eyes down you could say "Victoria kept her (insert eye colour here) eyes down, unmoving from the ground". Describe the character you are interacting with as well. What does she look like? I think you're rushing a bit, too, you're having Victoria sit down and start another conversation before the other character can react to her appearance.

Lightpelt flicked her tail in contempt. It had been days since she had last eaten, and her stomach was rumbling. She hated the solitary Cofinment.If only, if only she had planned her escape more carefully. If only the keeper hadn't spoted her as she had climbed the tree. The keepers had heated this room to make her even more miserable - the place she came from was always freezing, and her coat was matted with sweat. She did not miss the company, but she did miss the Main Pen. The space was confined, though not as confined as it was in the Solitary Confinment, and the treatment was cruel even there, but anything - anything - was better than here.

Lightpelt heard someone opening the latch. She tryed to jump to her feet, but was too weak after spending so long in the Solitary confinment. Someone grabbed her scruff, and she felt herself being pulled towards a cage. She tryed to struggle, but her consciousness was slowly slipping away. In the background, she heard someone mutter something about some new punishment. She knew she should have been more cautious...

Describe Lightpelt's tail, give her thoughts to describe her hunger. On 'tryed' here's an old saying to remember how to spell it correctly, "i before e except after c." When she goes unconscious, you could have her go limp in the keeper's arms.

Swift walked over and nuzzled Aroura. 'Would you like to go on a hunt with me?'

Describe Swift's colour and fur type. Describe how he walks, slowly, with purpose? Try to tell us what it looks like around him, maybe even what season it is by adding how the snow or sun, even rain felt on his back, or the crunch of leaves under his feet. When he nuzzles Aroura, does he feel anything, think anything?

Thank you!

[Teacup-old]

Bump~

Welcome to the roleplay school Silver!

[NocturnalPanda]

Username: gabby-grandchampions

How long have you been role-playing?: Sporadically for the past three and a half years

Favourite type of RP: Animal or Fantasy

Timezone: +0 GMT (England)

Do you agree to not take the criticism personally and do as your mentor says?: Yes, constructive criticism is very welcome as i know there is still much i need to improve on to become a better roleplayer.

What level of role-playing do you consider yourself?: I'm not a complete novice, i can write a fair paragraph but its not consistent and i know that the content needs working on quite a bit.

I have a sample of my roleplaying, any constructive criticism would be appreciated. Kitai is my character and Arashi is a NPC whom everyone can play. It is about a group of +Anima (people who have the anima of an animal inside them and can transform at will to gain some of their animals features, eg. Kitai is a cat +Anima and gets claws, better vision hearing and smell, among other bonuses when she transforms.)

"As soon as Ken's group got back Kitai sent Kai to report to Arashi. The Enemy was very close and the camp was nearly ready to go. Finally Kitai heard Arashi calling everybody to go, but just as they were leaving the camp they heard the whistling of ropes an the clang of metal as they realised they hadent been quick enough. Kitai dropped her backpack and transformed, she sliced her claws over as many ropes as she could before the first man managed to get over the northern wall of the camp. Kitai leapt high over the first man and jumped straight down on him throwing im to the ground. The man screamed as some of his ribs cacked from the force. Out of the corner of her eye Kitai saw Arashi spread his wings and with a bow and arrow in hand he went above the battle shooting people off the ladders and ropes they were climbing. Kitai felt something pierce her side and whirled around to see a man who had thrown a javalin at her, luckily the gash wasnt too deep so she rushed over moving at twice the speed of any normal human because of her ability and slashed her claws at him, hitting an artery. By this time she was feeling very feint from blood loss and only just noticed a fellow bird +Anima come down and take her away to be bandaged up."

Are there any certain times you cannot be on?: I am not online for most of the day for various reasons. im online generally from 5pm english time onwards. I am never really online after 10pm either, and i will probably not be online for the whole time between 5pm and 10pm. Sometimes i come online more often and more during the day for example if its the weekend, and i usually come online for ten minutes in the morning before school. But basically not during school or the middle of the night.
Sorry if its a problem that i have such limited time online but i hope we can work round that.

[SilverDoe]

By the way which do you think is better - the Victoria one or the Lightpelt one?

[Zook<3]

Username: Zook<3
How long have you been role-playing?: Since October 17, 2010. (Everyone thought I was amazing at it until you said I stunk at it)
Favourite type of RP: Mostly the ones I make about foxes. Romance is my forte, but I can do a little war as well.
Timezone: Uh... The west coast of America (I don't know timezones)
Do you agree to not take the criticism personally and do as your mentor says?: Sure
What level of role-playing do you consider yourself?: Well, some of the people who have joined many of my role plays, say I'm good. But one person said;

((Can you at least try to type more than ten sentences?!))

Are there any certain times you cannot be on?: Uh... During school. I always role play after school, and during the night.

[.:OboeLove:.]

Accepted. You three's class will begin tomorrow. And I never said you stunk at role-playing, but when you leave personalities and histories blank...