The Worst Username wrote:Hello! Just dropped by to read over the prologues. There's a ton of action going on right from the start, and I like the universe you're building for all of your characters.
I noticed a lot of run-on sentences, like Ranger mentioned, which you could break up--one thing I've found is that a lot of short sentences in action scenes really drives up the suspense. Also, there's a few infodumps, where you push a lot of information on the reader at once, like when you explained Sonora's planet and the FFA movement. Try breaking the info up into smaller chunks over the story's course. You could reveal info through dialogue, action scenes, what the characters are doing, et cetera. Some of the dialogue sounds a bit unnatural and stiff, too.
Anyways, I'm keeping this in my bookmarks. It looks pretty interesting, and I can't wait to see where you go with it!
Ranger of the North wrote:This is really cool! So far I think Sunora's my favouriteI noticed you have a lot of run-on sentences in your writing, though, so you may want to keep an eye-out for them c; I really enjoyed it though! Are you planning on continuing? c:
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